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‘Take My Cousin - Please’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Take My Cousin - Please

411. Take My Cousin - Please

Aired November 22, 1993

Will sets Hilary up on a date with his teacher, Professor Burton (Phil Morris), to try get a better grade. Meanwhile, Uncle Phil and Carlton build a crib together.

Quote from Will

Will: Hilary. Listen. That is not a mole or an Adam's apple that you're seeing. It's Trevor.
Hilary: You're telling me that Trevor was reincarnated in Scott's throat?
Will: No, look, Hil, what I'm trying to say is that you miss Trevor so much something inside of you won't let go of him. If you walk out on Scott now, this could haunt you for the rest of your life.
Hilary: What do you mean?
Will: Well... You might never go out again. You'll become one of them crazy old women who walk around all day long with a shower cap on, with an old raggedy halter-top that say "Jam." And then you gonna start wearing rhinestone gauchos. And then, just for no reason, you'll say: "Dum-dum-diday" Then you'll be eating neckbone sandwiches all the time. And screaming at your little imaginary dog, Brutus. And you know what the worst part is?
Hilary: What?
Will: The only man you're gonna be able to get is some fool named Grady, who be smelling like menthol all the time and falling asleep in his soup.
Hilary: Oh, God, I hate soup.
Will: Then you march through those curtains and you look his throat in the face!

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Quote from Geoffrey

Vivian: Philip, the important thing is that you and your son spent quality time together. You should be proud of what you built.
Geoffrey: Even if it is a deathtrap.
Philip: You are just jealous because you don't have son like Carlton to build something with.
Geoffrey: Yes, sir, that must be it. Look! It's a bird. It's a plane. It's Master Nicky.

Quote from Geoffrey

Vivian: Here, darling. Philip, I know what's gonna happen. Carlton's gonna start in on your nerves and you're gonna end up at his throat.
Philip: Oh, nonsense. This is a perfect time for a father and son to spend some quality time together. Geoffrey, go fetch my tools.
Geoffrey: You mean your knife and fork?

Quote from Hilary

Will: Hey, Hil, you got a second?
Hilary: Sure.
Will: All right. Sweet Savage Lust. One of the classics, huh?
Hilary: It's about this rich, beautiful girl who loses her lover in a terrible accident and spends her nights alone mourning his death. Where do they get these stories?
Will: Hey, look, Hil you know, Trevor's been gone for months now. Don't you miss dating?
Hilary: Yeah. At first, I felt guilty for wanting to. But I think if Trevor were still alive, he'd want me to see other guys.

Quote from Will

Will: What is the matter with you? You are making a mountain out of a mole, Hil.

Quote from Hilary

Will: Hilary. Tonight, I hurt somebody that I really care about.
Hilary: What about me, Will?
Will: I meant you.
Hilary: Oh. Thank you. But you were right.
Will: I was?
Hilary: Scott is the first guy since Trevor that I really liked. And I guess I got scared and I had to find something wrong with him.
Will: And that Adam's-apple thing was the best you could do, huh?
Hilary: Well, I never had much of an imagination. When I was a little girl, I never had any imaginary friends. I just used to play with Carlton's. And, God, they were such dweebs.

Quote from Carlton

Philip: Hey, everybody. I just bought Nicky a brand new crib.
Carlton: "The Crib Chalet has over 100 features including automatic guardrail-extension, infrared climb-out sensors and a built-in busy box. Some assembly required." Oh, no.
Philip: Carlton, my boy, go put on your work clothes.
Carlton: [to Vivian] Help me.
Ashley: I'm not gonna miss a minute of this.

Quote from Will

Will: All right. Hey, you know what? Allow me. "Will, you should be ashamed of yourself." "Hey, Jackie, I can explain." "Explain what? How you're using your cousin just to get yourself a good grade?" "Hey, look, Jackie, it ain't like that." "I know you, Will. But I still burn with desire for you, baby."
Jackie: "Yo, Jackie. I'm just looking out for number one. You know what I'm saying? You know, you know."

Quote from Will

Will: Hilary, listen. Imperfections are what make people special. Like in Philly, a big butt on a sister was considered a thing of beauty. You know, the more back baby got, the better. I mean, up to a point. Then, it's just nasty.

Quote from Philip

Carlton: Dad, we started this three days ago and there's no end in sight. Let's pay someone to finish the job.
Philip: Am I keeping you from something more important?
Carlton: As a matter of fact, yes. I've got midterms and, eventually, I'd like to move out get a full-time job and start a family.
Philip: And when you do, I will help you build one of these for your child.
Carlton: No, you won't, because I'll be smart enough to pay someone to do it for me.
Philip: And just how are you gonna do that without a trust fund?
Geoffrey: Game, set, match.

Quote from Will

Professor Burton: Is Hilary okay? It seems like something's bothering her.
Will: No, no, everything's cool, man. Hey, you wouldn't happen to have a turtleneck out in your car would you?
Old Woman: Ssh! We are trying to enjoy the opera.
Will: I know, it's hard ain't it?

Quote from Will

Hilary: His neck is blocking my view. It's like watching a snake digest a rabbit.
Will: Hilary. Listen, it is all in your head.
Hilary: It's all in his throat.
Old Woman: Young man.
Will: Did you see Throw Momma From The Train?

Quote from Ashley

Ashley: Hey, Dad. Did you see this report in Consumer magazine? It says that the Crib Chalet is the most dangerous crib on the market.
Philip: What are you talking about?
Ashley: According to this, the crib malfunctioned and an infant was tossed 50 feet in the air.
Geoffrey: We can beat that.
Vivian: Geoffrey.
Philip: Well... Well, that was just one crib.
Ashley: Well, the same thing happened to twins in Nova Scotia.
Philip: Sweetheart, why don't you go read an Archie comic book or something.

Quote from Will

Jackie: Will, academic probation is serious. How could you let this happen?
Will: It's Professor Burton's fault. He used to be such an easy grader until him and his wife got a divorce. Then he became impossible. The last test he gave, I got a four, and I cheated.

Quote from Will

Will: Uh, hey, look, man. Look, I usually keep this on a need-to-know basis. But you look like you really need to know. Behold. My chicktionary.
Professor Burton: A little black book, huh?
Will: Oh, yes, sir.
Professor Burton: Well, what are these letters next to the girls' names?
Will: Oh, those are grades.
Professor Burton: There's a lot of F's.
Will: That ain't necessarily a bad thing, you know?
Professor Burton: What's the B mean?
Will: Be prepared for a possible F.

Quote from Will

Will: Oh, and G.G.W.A.B. Means Good God What A Booty.

Quote from Hilary

Will: What are you doing here?
Hilary: I need to switch cars. Carlton said you have the keys.
Will: Cool. What's wrong with your car?
Hilary: I'm going shoe shopping, I need the wagon. Bye.

Quote from Will

Professor Burton: Who is that?
Will: Hilary? Oh, that's my cousin.
Professor Burton: Well, is she involved with anyone?
Will: Mostly just herself. Oh, you... You know, she... She was just telling me today how much she could really use a man in her life. And... You a man.
Professor Burton: Oh, good.
Will: Check it out. I got an idea: Why don't you come over our house tonight, right. And I'll introduce y'all.
Professor Burton: Will, I really appreciate this. A woman like her could really lift my spirits. [exits]
Will: [to himself] Maybe she could do the same for my grade.

Quote from Will

Will: Hilary Banks. Scott Burton.
Professor Burton: "When a man is in love he endures more than at other times. He submits to everything."
[As Professor Burton holds out his hand for Hilary to shake, she gives Will a quizzical look]
Will: Ooh, boy, don't make me have to turn the hose on y'all two.
Hilary: Will.
Will: Yeah?
Hilary: What's going on here?
Will: Well, Hil, I figured that y'all might have something in common. I'm saying, he's an English professor and... And you speak some English.

Quote from Will

Hilary: Look, Steve.
Will: Scott.
Hilary: Whatever. I'm really sorry-
Professor Burton: No, I'm sorry. I was just so struck by your beauty today, I had to meet you. I'm terrible at this kind of thing.
Hilary: Oh, you're not terrible.
Will: Shields are down, Scotty.

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