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‘I, Clownius’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: I, Clownius

613. I, Clownius

Aired January 15, 1996

Will, Carlton and Uncle Phil are taken hostage by a clown following a high profile court case.

Quote from Will

Will: Now, wait a minute, Uncle Phil. I don't usually say this, but I agree with the little squidget. Come on, you can't go down to that courthouse by yourself. You need a bodyguard. Hey, I'm your man.
Philip: I'll be fine, Will.
Will: Uh-huh. That's just what Bobo Anderson said.
Philip: Who?
Will: Bobo Anderson. One of my boys from back in Philly. Oh see, Bobo started getting all these threatening letters. Everybody was like: "Yo, Bobo, you need to watch your back. You know brothers be tripping." He's like, "No, man, I'm cool. I'm all right." Then, bam! One day he just up and disappeared.
Carlton: He was killed?
Will: Oh, no, his family moved out of town. I ain't seen him since third grade.
Philip: Will, what has all this got to do with your being my bodyguard?
Will: Oh. You know, I figure if you let me slide down to that courtroom with you, you know I might get to console some of them show-biz madam girls. You know, it won't be just your body I'm guarding, you know what I'm saying? You know what I'm talking about, dawg. You know what I'm saying, right? You know. You know what I'm saying. You know what I'm saying, right? You know. You know what I'm saying, boy? You know Damn, I miss Bobo.

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Quote from Carlton

Detective Simms: Well, whenever there's a high-profile case like this every wacko comes out of the woodwork.
Carlton: I say we treat this as a code-one priority. We need to seal the perimeter. I want four cars on 24-hour surveillance sharpshooters on the roof, and a canine team. And remember, we're working with a nut here.
Detective Simms: And who are you?
Will: He's the nut we working with. [laughs]
Carlton: Carlton Banks. I'll be your point man on this little operation.
Detective Simms: Well, I'll tell you what, you let us do our job, and we'll let you do whatever it is you do.

Quote from Will

Will: Tssh! Mirror, mirror on the wall I ain't too short, I ain't too tall Damn, if I don't have it all Come here.

Quote from Will

Vivian: Come on, everybody, your dad's on TV. The jury's about to announce the verdict.
Ashley: Do you think she's innocent or guilty?
Will: Oh, please, that woman turned more tricks than David Copperfield.
Hilary: She'll probably get off with community service.
Will: Seems to me, community service is what got her in this mess in the first place, you know what I'm saying? Serving the community. Y'all know what I'm talking about, right?

Quote from Carlton

Geoffrey: This fax just came in.
Carlton: Oh, my God.
Will: What? What does it say?
Carlton: It says, "I'm gonna kill you, Banks."
Will: Yo. Hey, it's a death threat against Uncle Phil.
Vivian: What?
Hilary: What?
Carlton: Dad? Oh, thank God. I thought it was for me.

Quote from Geoffrey

Carlton: Now, Ashley's out in the decoy vehicle and this will be command central. And this baby right here will monitor all our activities. Your assignment is to be on this 24 hours a day. Now, have you read the manual and committed the frequency to memory?
Geoffrey: Check.
Carlton: Now, what do you do if we get caught?
Geoffrey: Laugh.

Quote from Hilary

Hilary: Oh, I see we have company. Who's your friend?
Will: Hilary, he's a dummy.
Hilary: [giggles] Who needs brains when you got a body like that?

Quote from Will

Philip: The biggest day of my professional career and now I'm gonna be late.
Carlton: You should've stayed in the car. We could've protected you.
Philip: The only person who's gonna need protection now is you, if you don't back off!
Carlton: He's just a little tense about the trial.
Will: Ah, just let him bang down a couple Ding Dongs. He'll be all right.

Quote from Will

Ashley: Where are you going?
Will: Oh, I finally got a date with Lori Williams and I am on my way. How I look, huh? Uh, uh, boom!
Ashley: Uh... Fine.
Will: Uh... Fine?
Ashley: Well, I don't know. I think it's that suit. It's kind of...
Will: Kind of what?
Ashley: It just has way too many buttons and the color is very '95.
Will: Girl, you must be crazy. I look great. I'm the man when it comes to fashion. I know when I look good. Shoot, girl, I-
Carlton: [comes downstairs in the same suit] Hey, guys.
Will: I'm gonna go ahead and change.

Quote from Will

Carlton: Dad's liable to give her life. I got grounded for a whole month just because I came home late.
Will: Well, you deserved it. I mean, getting everybody's hopes up like that and then showing up again.

Quote from Will

Philip: Well, the fax came right after the verdict was announced.
Geoffrey: And they haven't stopped since.
Philip: Oh, half of them wanna hang me, half of them wanna hug me.
Will: Oh, there's a dude here from Appalachia. He says he thinks your mouth is kind of pretty. Guess I'll put this in the hug pile.

Quote from Will

Will: Oh, Carlton, I still think it was a little early to give up on the dating service.
Carlton: Will, meet Safety Guy.
Will: Safety Guy, what's up, bro? What's going on, boy?
Carlton: Look, this happens to be the latest in home and personal security. "Designed as a visual deterrent, Safety Guy is a life-size simulated male."
Will: Hmm. And you're a pint-size simulated male.
Carlton: Very funny. He's gonna protect the Big Guy when we're not around.
Will: You mean to tell me this thing can protect somebody?
Carlton: Oh, absolutely.
Will: Hmm. [slaps the back of Carlton's head] Huh. He must be on a break, huh?
Carlton: Will, this is no time for tomfoolery. Now, take your walkie-talkie and infrared goggles.
Will: Damn. Oh, my God. Yo, I can see right through your clothes with these things. No wonder you're so shy.

Quote from Carlton

Carlton: Okay, pal, state your business.
Juggles: Who are you?
Carlton: Never mind who I am. And wipe that smile off your face and tell me your name.
Juggles: Juggles.
Carlton: Well, look, Juggles, get what you're after and get out of here.
Juggles: Who are you?
Carlton: Carlton Banks. And that's my father, Judge Banks. I'm the head of his security team and my job is to check out suspicious people like you. So come on, let's go. Move it along.
Juggles: Judge Banks from the Show-Biz Madam Trial?
Carlton: Pretty impressed, huh?
Juggles: More than you can imagine. [shouts] All right! Nobody moves and nobody gets blown up! [Carlton screams]

Quote from Carlton

Carlton: All right, Will, I got a plan. You create a diversion while Dad and I slip out the back.
Will: Hey, yo. Hey, man, where does that leave me?
Carlton: You are so selfish.

Quote from Will

Philip: What do you hope to accomplish by strapping a bomb to your chest and blowing up a gas station?
Juggles: [chuckles] I'm on my way down to one of the networks and I'm gonna make them put me on TV. And then the whole world is gonna see my talent to entertain.
Will: Um... Wouldn't it be easier to just get a agent?
Juggles: I had an agent and then he had my wife. [nervous silence] That's a joke!
Philip: There's gotta be a better way.
Juggles: Yeah, well, I tried all the other ways, but it's always Bozo this or Coco that. Never any jobs for Juggles, oh, no. And I'll tell you another thing, I could've sold twice as many hamburgers as that Ronald guy. That no-act clown. No. No. Nobody wants to give Juggles a chance. Mm-mm. One little tent fire. One little elephant stampede. A couple of kids end up in the hospital and, all of a sudden, Juggles is poison. As if they even saw me smoking that cigar. It's harassment, I tell you!
Will: Well, you're probably in a hurry to get down to that network, you know. So don't let us stop you. Grab your little seltzer bottle, hop in your little miniature car. If you go right now, you could probably beat rush hour.
Juggles: No! No, no, no. Oh, no. Now that I got myself a big celebrity judge hostage I'm gonna make the network people come here. [chuckles] I'll be a bigger celebrity than I even thought.

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