‘I, Stank Hole in One’
Season 6, Episode 21 - Aired May 6, 1996
Ashley wants to go to performing arts school in New York and thinks a TV commercial will help her application. Meanwhile, Hilary and Carlton rescue a race horse that's about to be retired.
Quote from Hilary
Hilary: I'm so excited. I just know I'm gonna win. I have a system that can't miss.
Will: Oh, yeah? What's that?
Hilary: I bet on every horse.
Will: Hilary, one of them has to win.
Hilary: I know and it doesn't matter which one. Isn't it great?
Quote from Geoffrey
Will: Hey, G, we're going down to the race track today, man. You wanna put a couple of ones on a bet?
Geoffrey: Well, I'm not much of a gambler, Master William, but since you're going... Back wheel the eighth with the one on top of the two, three and six. And in the fifth, par tri the three eight with the two and five.
Will: You got yourself a secret life going, don't you, G?
Quote from Will
Philip: You don't think I was too rough on Ashley?
Will: Are you tripping? You are the leader of the pack. It is your right. No, no, no. Scratch that. It is your duty as a male to assert your dominance. There, I said it, your dominance.
Philip: Really? Because your Aunt Vivian wasn't as supportive of my approach.
Will: Your approach? Man, I got one thing to say about your approach: Woof, woof, woof. You are the king of the jungle, Mufasa.
Philip: Yes, I am. Yes, I am.
Will: You are the ruler of all that you survey.
Will: You will be obeyed!
Philip: I will be obeyed!
Will: That's right.
Philip: Yes. [as Ashley walks by] Hi, sweetie, you look awfully pretty. Well, I guess I showed her.
Will: You ain't nothing but Simba.
Quote from Nicky
Nicky: Mommy and Daddy won't let me watch Bad Boys.
Will: Bad Boys, huh? What you gonna do?
Nicky: I know what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna run away from home.
Will: Oh, Nick. Man, come here. You're running away from home?
Nicky: That's right. I'm out of here.
Will: Whoa, whoa. Hold on a second, there, little traveling man. You running away from home, you gonna need some food. You know, bums, they don't like to share. Here you go, a little grub. Hey, and it gets a little chilly out in that night air so you probably need a jacket and a hat. Yeah. Oh, you know. And here's a few bucks, you know, in case something jump off out there. All right. You good to go, little bro.
Nicky: Aren't you gonna try and stop me?
Will: Try to stop you? No, man, with you gone that's more food for me, you know. Plus, I get to keep your turtle and that banging little bike you got.
Nicky: My turtle and my bike?
Will: I mean, somebody gotta claim all that stuff. All right, I'll stay. But not because I'm scared. Not because you're taking my stuff. And not because of that reverse psychology you tried to use on me.
Will: Well, then why you gonna stay?
Nicky: I'm 5, you dork.
Quote from Will
Ashley: Where's Carlton?
Will: Oh, he's in the stables with the jockeys. He's never been the tallest person in a room before.
Quote from Carlton
Carlton: Some short stack told me to get out of the paddock area. God, that feels great to say.
Quote from Philip
Ashley: Hi, Daddy.
Philip: Don't you "hi, Daddy" me. Just when were you planning on telling me about your little soft-core drink commercial?
Ashley: [to Will] You.
Philip: We would've found out eventually.
Will: Yeah, even though they're not showing that much of her face.
Ashley: I don't believe this. You're both being hypocrites. You sit there glued to the set anytime Baywatch comes on.
Philip: [stammers] Well, that's only because I have trouble sleeping and the sound of the waves gently caressing the shore helps relax me.
Quote from Ashley
Will: What's up, Ash? [Ashley turns the volume up] What you watching? You know, I have no idea what got into the big guy!
Ashley: You got into him. You're the rat that dimed me out.
Will: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute, Ashley. Now that hurts. I'm offended by that characterization.
Ashley: Oh, I'm sorry. You don't like rat. How about snake? Weasel? Doody-head?
Will: Don't be calling me no doody-head.
Quote from Ashley
Ashley: Will, you know how much going to the School of Performing Arts means to me and how much that commercial would help.
Will: Wait a minute. That commercial was degrading.
Ashley: Oh, really? It was? Uh, which part? The part where I'm in clothes driving the car? The part where I'm in sweats drinking the cola? The part where I'm rollerblading? No. All you focused on were the seven seconds I was in a bathing suit playing volleyball. I play volleyball in a bathing suit all the time. Am I degrading myself?
Will: I- I didn't know about all them other parts.
Ashley: Exactly. Because you didn't ask. All that mattered to you and Dad was your narrow-minded maleness. You know, this job may not be my dream job but, regardless, it's my dream. You and Dad have nothing to do with it.
Quote from Will
Ashley: You know what? I should just go and do it anyway.
Will: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait. Wait a minute. Now... Now, I realize you're excited and you're a little upset but Uncle Phil is a big man. He's a very big man with a very short fuse. Bad combination. Very bad combination.
Ashley: Goodbye. [exits]
Will: Bad talk. Very bad talk.