Hippie: So what I'm saying is, there shouldn't be a rich or poor. We should all just share the wealth, man.
Carlton: Oh, I beg to differ.
[The VW camper van pulls over and Carlton is tossed out onto the sidewalk]

Will: Ah. That was close. That was close. Oh, man. Oh, my God. I don't believe it. I almost burned the kitchen down. Oh, no! No! Auntie Em! Auntie Em!
[later:]
Will: Mama, no!

Philip: The whole family will be there. He's gonna make his decision about who is to preside over the Show-Biz Madam Trial.
Hilary: Ew. She's so scuzzy. I mean, it's bad enough that she gets hookers for married men, but blue eye shadow? Hello.

Fire Chief: Our work here is done. You okay?
Will: No, I'm not okay, man. How could I do this? I mean, it ain't like I ain't done some stupid stuff since I been out here but how am I supposed to explain this?
Fire Chief: Son, just how did this happen?
Will: I had a little accident cooking the flambe.
Fire Chief: Flambe? You torched your uncle's kitchen cooking flambe? [laughs] Black folks ain't supposed to cook flambe. You stupid. Hey, guys, sissy boy been cooking flambe. [stops laughing] I hope I've been of assistance to you.

Geoffrey: Good evening, Master William.
[Geoffrey puts a bag of groceries on the burnt counter, which then fall to the ground. He walks over to the refrigerator and places a bag of groceries through the hole in the door. He walks over to Will, picks up a burnt-out stool and sits down on the frame.]
Geoffrey: Of all the rooms to burn in your uncle's house. The kitchen. Are you mad, boy?

Will: lxnay on the Indian food. Judge can't take spicy. [sprays water on the chicken] Come on, don't just stand there. Help me.
Geoffrey: This is insanity. I want no part of this, Master William. You have gone too far.
Will: Look, if I got to hose down some poultry to pull this off, that's what I'm gonna do. Are you with me?
Geoffrey: Oh.
Will: [grabs sauce bottles] Red or brown? G, red or brown?
Geoffrey: Don't make me choose.
Will: Red or brown?
Geoffrey: Ooh. Brown.

Carlton: And the next thing I know, I'm on this train heading for home. So all in all, this has been the most bizarre night of my life.
Man: Do you ever wonder what makes your skin stay on?

Will: Oh, Lord, help me, no!
Philip: Pardon me.
Will: Hey, look, Uncle Phil, no disrespect, man but you got to watch where you parking that thing. Man, you know, get some flashing lights or some horns or something. [imitates beeping] I'm gonna just go ahead and shut up now.
Philip: You've been sitting on this couch all morning. A little bored?
Will: Oh, no, man. I'm cool. What you reading?
Philip: A postcard from Carlton. He's doing something with his summer.
Will: [as Carlton] "Dear Big Guy. Thanks a lot for sending me to Young Republicans Camp. Yosemite's really neat. Hey, I'm rooming with Newt's nephew, Fig."
Philip: I wouldn't make fun of them. These kids are the future leaders of this country.

Philip: You know why you're bored, don't you? You miss your cousin Carlton.
Will: Pfft. Ha! Please, me miss Carlton? Pfft. I forgot all about him. Did he say when he coming back?

Hilary: Hi, everyone, guess what. Wolfgang Puck is coming on my show on Monday. We're doing a cooking segment together.
Geoffrey: Miss Hilary in the kitchen? [laughs]
Will: Hey, you know what? That's cool, Hil. What say we go hook something up now? I'll help you practice.
Hilary: Help me cook? You must really be bored.