Philip: Vivian, why are you making such a big deal about this? I say we do it right here, right now.
Geoffrey: Oh, good, a floor show.
Philip: Geoffrey, this envelope contains Mrs. Banks' sonogram. It's gonna tell us whether or not the baby is a boy or a girl.
Ashley: How can you tell if it's a boy or a girl?
Hilary: Oh, Ashley, you are so naive. If it's a boy, it's blue. Come on, I think it's time for another woman-to-woman talk.
Ashley: Okay, what do you want to know this time?
Will: Hilary's not planning on having kids, is she?

Will: Look, a friend of mine has a little problem. And, you know, I was wondering, since you're a judge and everything...
Philip: I am not reducing bail.
Will: No, Uncle Phil, no. See, that's not- See, check it out. Now, this friend of mine knows this squaw that he's completely in love with, right? But this particular squaw just broke up with his best friend. Now he don't want to diss his boy or nothing like that, right, but he wants to know how long is a good time to wait before he, uh, raids this squaw's village, if you know what I'm saying.
Philip: Interesting you should bring that up. I had a case like that come before me just recently.
Will: Really?
Philip: Word up. Now this guy started going out with his best friend's girl hours after they broke up.
Will: Whoa, he waited that long?
Philip: Well, this other guy didn't think it was that long. He was very jealous, and he shot his friend.
Will: Dead?
Philip: No. Let's just say he's, uh, two olives short of a martini. [Will groans] So before your friend starts raiding any villages he better be sure it's worth it.

Philip: Look, Geoffrey now I know Mrs. Banks and I made you promise not to show us that sonogram but, look, I've got to know whether the baby is a boy or a girl and I can make it worth your while. How does a $100 sound?
Geoffrey: Like one hell of a night in Tijuana.
Vivian: Philip Banks, you really should be ashamed of yourself. Bribing Geoffrey with a $100.
Geoffrey: I'll say. At least she offered me $200.

Carlton: Very funny, guys. Why don't you stop spinning? Who moved the refrigerator all the way over there?
Ashley: How are you feeling, Carlton?
Carlton: Remember the Star Trek where the insect bored its way through the guy's brain?
Ashley: Yeah.
Carlton: That'd feel kind of good right now.

Vivian: Philip, I want that sonogram.
Philip: Yes.
Vivian: There's nothing here or here.
Philip: Well, it's got to be here. We searched the whole house, Vivian.
Vivian: Well, what if he's got it on him?
Philip: Found it.
Vivian: You found the sonogram?
Philip: No, it's that little chocolate bunny from Easter. I've been looking all over for it.
Vivian: Philip, honey, at least take off the foil.

Will: Come on, Carlton, you can't keep moping around like this forever. I mean, it's not like you and Paula just broke up yesterday, man. You've had the whole weekend to get over it.
Carlton: Will, sometimes you're so insensitive. Love isn't something you can just turn on and off.
Will: Carlton, I still think you're blowing this whole thing out of proportion, man. Now, I've seen Paula, and I don't see what the attraction was.
Carlton: What are you talking about? She's a beautiful, intelligent girl with a dynamite body.
Will: Oh, yeah, I know. I don't see what attracted her to you.
Will: These are jokes, man. You gotta loosen up. You gotta have some fun. You gotta do something or go someplace that gets her off your mind.
Carlton: It's impossible. Everywhere I turn, I see something that reminds me of her. Something we've shared together, a patch of grass, a beach blanket, a swing.
Will: Maybe you should go to bed.

Vivian: Philip, I am not looking at this sonogram. It'll take away the excitement in the delivery room. Honey, half the thrill is finding out.
Philip: All right, then, it's settled. We don't want to know.
Vivian: Of course, in the delivery room, I'm going to be too busy screaming. Okay, I want to know. No, I don't. Yes, I do.
Philip: Now this is exactly why the doctor changed his number on us, Vivian. Now for the last time, do you want to know or don't you?
Vivian: No.
Philip: Fine, then I'll take the envelope. I'm not going to open it. I promise. Trust me.
Will: Aunt Viv, I don't think so. See, this is the same dude that said a squirrel ate that six-pack of Milky Ways.

Carlton: Oh, Mommy, I don't feel so good. I think I got the flu.
Vivian: Oh, that's too bad, baby. Get out of the house.
Will: You know, we're getting more and more like the Jackson family every day.
Vivian: Sweetheart, you know I love you but being pregnant, I cannot take a chance of getting sick. Now shoo.
Carlton: But where will I go?
Will: Well, I guess you'll have to move into the pool house.
Hilary: The pool house? Daddy, I live in the pool house. And there's no way I'm giving it up for Carlton.
Philip: You want to start paying rent?
Hilary: I can be out in an hour.

Will: You've gone over the line. Okay? You don't never call a dude's mom.
Carlton: So it's okay to steal a guy's girlfriend as long as you don't go tell his mommy about it.
Will: No, no, this is serious, man. Even in ancient times they would kill your cattle, they would burn your village and they would stone your family, but they wouldn't never tell your mother, man.
Carlton: "But I did it to save you from something you don't know and soon as I figure it out, I'll let you know."
Will: That's it. We're going to have to take this to the street, man. Aunt Viv!

Will: My head is killing me.
Carlton: My throat hurts. [phone rings]
Will: Oh, now my ears are ringing.
Carlton: Mine, too.
Hilary: [on machine] Hi, this is Hilary. Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm not in so... So leave a...