‘The Script Formerly Known As...’ Quotes Page 1 of 3
605. The Script Formerly Known As...
Aired October 16, 1995
When Will and Hilary try to book more interesting guests for her show, she interviews a juror, George (George Wallace), who was dismissed from Uncle Phil's high-profile case. Meanwhile, Carlton tries video dating.
Quote from Hilary
Hilary: Hello and welcome to Hilary. We're very excited today to have as our guest recently dismissed juror from the Show-Biz Madam Trial, George Howlings. Welcome.
George: Thank you. Thank you so much.
Hilary: Well, I guess what we're all dying to know is why you were dismissed.
George: Well, you know, they told the press I was writing a book, but that's not it.
Hilary: Oh? Tell us what it really was.
George: Well, they said I was crazy, but I'm not crazy. But you wanna know who is crazy? Maybe I shouldn't say this on TV.
Hilary: Oh, come on, George. Just between you and me, who was crazy?
George: That lard-butt of a judge. That man is crazy as they come. What does it take to become a judge these days? Now, if you ask me, that man was very incompetent. Couldn't judge a beauty pageant. About as useless as a no-mouthed dog at a Frisbee contest. If I ever see him, I'll lower him like a cheap carpet. And it looked to me, he dozed off every now and then.
George: Probably dreaming about that bony-legged prosecutor. I think they got something going on. Ain't that right, Will Smith?
Quote from Philip
Philip: That is enough. I have never been so embarrassed in my entire life. And to think the two people responsible for it are my own family. My own flesh and blood.
Will: Um... Technically, Uncle Phil, I'm not really your flesh and blood. See, my Mom and Aunt Viv, they... I see where you going with this though.
Philip: Do you?
Will: Oh, yeah, I can see. Pssh-pssh!
Philip: Then tell me, what is it? Haven't I done enough for you? Taking you into my home, huh? Treated you with respect. Maybe I did something to hurt you, is that it?
Will: No. Come on, Uncle Phil. No. No, that's not it.
Philip: Then why?
Will: I don't- I don't know.
Philip: And you my own daughter. My first-born. [sighs] I don't know if there's a knife that could cut as deeply.
Quote from Philip
Hilary: Trust me, if Daddy saw the show this afternoon, everything will be fine. And if he didn't, we'll show it to him. Now, do you know how to work one of these things?
Philip: What are you two doing?
Will: [screams] Hey, man. Did you see anything, I don't know, good on TV today?
Hilary: So you didn't see the show?
Philip: Oh, I saw the show. And now thanks to you, not only am I an incompetent judge, but an unfit parent. Tell me, what do you have planned for tomorrow, huh? Perhaps snapshots of me in the bathtub, huh? Or a video of me chasing stray dogs in my car.
Hilary: Daddy, you don't do that, do you?
Quote from Will
Vivian: This is the way it's supposed to be. One big happy family.
Will: Hey, look, Uncle Phil, man, I just wanna say again how sorry-
Philip: Enough, enough said, Will. Enough. Let's just put it all behind us. What's done is done. I just wanna sit here and watch a little TV.
Jay Leno: [on TV] Anybody see the Hilary show the other day? They had a dismissed juror from the Show-Biz Madam Case insulting Judge Banks, who just happens to be Hilary's father. Boy, here's a family that really puts the "fun" back in dysfunctional, isn't it? Speaking of Judge Banks, we have a special tribute to him tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome The Dancing Phils.
Philip: That's it! I've had enough!
Will: But, wait-
Philip: No, no. Just go. Just go. Please. Go!
Will: Now, wait, wait a minute. Now, you wait one minute, Uncle Phil. Now, I didn't wanna have to do this but you brought this on yourself. [Will lipsyncs] And I am telling you I'm not going Even though the rough times are showing There's just no way, there's no way Tear down the mountains Yell, scream and shout You can say what you want I'm not walking out Stop all the rivers, push, strike and kill I'm not gonna leave you There's no way I will And I am telling you I'm not going You're the best man I'll ever know There's no way I can ever, ever go No, no, no, no way No, no, no, no way I'm living without you Oh, I'm not living without you Not living without you I don't wanna be free I'm staying I'm staying And you, and you, and you You're gonna You're gonna love me
Quote from Hilary
Will: Hil. Hil. Hold up. He's gonna kill us.
Hilary: Will, it's not like it was our fault. We can't control what someone says. Daddy will understand that.
Will: Well, I hope so.
Hilary: And if not, I'll just blame the whole thing on you. Oops. Did I say that out loud?
Quote from Ashley
Ashley: [on the phone] This weekend? Oh, I'd love to, Thad, but I'm gonna lay low. Oh, no, it's nothing serious, just the flu. Oh, that's so sweet. Okay, bye. [hangs up]
Janet: Thad? I thought you were dating Kyle.
Ashley: I am. He's the flu.
Quote from Hilary
Hilary: Will, bottom line, I need more stimulating guests. I need someone who can hold my attention for more than three seconds.
Will: Well, all right. How about we get...?
Hilary: I gotta go.
Quote from Will
Will: Uncle Phil, what's going on, man? [Uncle Phil mutters] Would you like to buy a vowel?
Philip: [sighs] You know, this trial is gonna be the death of me. We lost another juror today.
Will: Oh, really? Hey, did you check under your robe? You know what, I can see you're not in the mood for that right now.
Here. Come on. Right here. Right here. So come on, man. What happened?
Philip: He was writing a book. The bailiff found him hiding in the men's room with his laptop.
Will: You sure he wasn't just downloading his floppy? [laughs] Can you hear me? Can you hear me?
Philip: Ha-ha-ha! Shut up. Can you hear me?
Quote from Carlton
Carlton: Hi, I'm Carlton Banks, and I joined Great Introductions to give you red-hot mamas a chance to take a walk on the wild side. So climb on board. [imitates train whistle] A tad forward. [French accent] Bon jour, je suis Carlton. I am tan, I am a tourist and I'd love to give a lucky mademoiselle like you a chance to meet moi. That felt close.
[As Carlton gets up to the check the video tape, he notices Will and Jazz snuck in while he was filming. Will laughs]
Carlton: Do you guys mind?
Will: [French accent] What is your problem, Pepe Le Puny?
Carlton: Hardy har har.
Quote from Jazz
Bree Walker: [on TV] And in a related story Judge Philip Banks has dismissed yet another juror in the Show-Biz Madam Case. As cameras are not allowed in his courtroom we have an artist's rendering of his action. Specific details are not yet available as to why the juror was dismissed.
Jazz: Wait, I know that guy.
Carlton: Of course you do. That's my Dad, you half-life.
Jazz: Not him, the other dude.
Will: Oh, what, you knew him?
Jazz: He's my barber.
Will: The dude that cut that jack-o'- lantern in your head last Halloween?
Jazz: That's the guy. It'd have been great if that candle hadn't burned the roof of my mouth.
Will: Jazz, do you think he'd do Hilary?
Jazz: Why not? She got a nice big head.