Philip: Ashley, sweetheart. Now, before Kevin comes over I think I should have a little talk with you about boys.
Ashley: Great, Daddy.
Philip: They're all dogs, got it? Have a good time, sweetheart.

Philip: Will!
Will: Hey, check it out. Black folks playing tennis. I wonder if there's a White guy somewhere tap-dancing.

Philip: I can still remember the night Ashley was born. She looked like a beautiful, little, black Winston Churchill.
Vivian: Seems like yesterday.
Philip: Our baby's not a baby anymore, is she?
Vivian: You know, I knew it was time to have a talk with her. And I tried to the other night, but I just couldn't face the fact that she was having sexual feelings.
Philip: [groans] Oh, Vivian. Vivian, how could this happen to us? We live in a good neighborhood, they go to good schools. She's never even had a cavity, for God's sake. Oh, Vivian, times have changed since you and I were young. Hell, they've changed since Hilary and Carlton were young. Well, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. You pack your bags, we are moving to Greenland.

Carlton: Hilary, as a loyal Republican and a staunch Bush man I'm warning you, don't do this.
Will: Oh, come on, Carlton. You're not a Bush man. You're more like a Pygmy.

Will: Ow. Ashley, you hit me in my stomach with this thing. Had it been Carlton, you could've put his eye out.

Will: It's Ashley. Now, look, you can't tell Uncle Phil and Aunt Viv. But she asked me to tell her about sex. I don't know what to tell her. I mean, she should hear it from somebody more experienced. [Will & Carlton look at Hilary]
Hilary: Well, pardon me for being attractive. Look, I'm the wrong person. I mean, I tried to tell Carlton about sex. And, well, you know the rest.
Will: Look, well, somebody has to tell her. I mean, she won't do anything stupid if she has some good solid facts.
Carlton: Wrong, my hot-blooded cousin. If you tell her about sex, she's just gonna run out and do it.
Hilary: Oh, that's ridiculous, Carlton. We wanna expose her to a realistic portrayal of relationships. I know. We'll rent Pretty Woman.

Geoffrey: Children, I have a special surprise. Cookies in the shapes of your favorite cartoon characters.
Ashley: Geoffrey, I really don't think Kevin and I would like-
Will: Whoa! Check it out. Elmer Fudd. And he got little Chiclet teeth. Yo, that's fly, G.
Kevin: Yeah, that's fly.
Geoffrey: Thank you. It's good to know those four years at Oxford didn't go to waste.

Will: So, Ashley, what's you and Kev getting into this weekend?
Ashley: The same thing as every weekend. Pizza and Dad's renting a video. This week it's The Muppets Take Manhattan.

Ashley: What I mean is, well... I like Kevin. And, well, I know he really likes me.
Will: Oh!
Ashley: And I kind of need some advice.
Will: Well, I know what it's like being 13, Ashley. And I just have to say, if you want to kiss Kevin, go for it.
Ashley: Uh, I've already kissed him.
Will: Oh, no. I mean, on the lips.
Ashley: So do l. Will, I need to know everything you know about sex.
Will: [screams]

Will: Well, here we are to get information for our book report.
Carlton: I'm just here to check the place for asbestos.
Carlton: This is embarrassing, Will. Why did you have to drag me down here anyway?
Will: Please. Look at this face. You think anybody's gonna believe I have questions about sex?
Ms. Rinkoff: Is there a John Doe and a Joan Crawford?
Carlton: I choked, okay?
Will: Present.
Ms. Rinkoff: Hi, I'm Miss Rinkoff. I'm one of the counselors here. Right this way, please.
Carlton: Shall we step into your office and talk about asbestos? Asbestos?
Ms. Rinkoff: Last I heard, it was called knocking boots.