Ashley: Well, Dougie's his hero. Didn't you have heroes when you were a kid?
Will: Yeah, Shaft.
Ashley: And how did you feel when you found out that Shaft wasn't real?
Will: What are you talking about? No, I'm saying, he was based on an actual guy.
Ashley: No, he wasn't.
Will: He was too, Ashley.
Ashley: Shaft is fictional, Will.
Will: I'm saying, he went to Africa and everything.

Hilary: Geoffrey, if I were a potato, where would I be?

Hilary: Look at this.
Will: "Powerful Earthquake Rattles Northern Coast."
Hilary: Oh, boo-hoo. This.
Will: "Television personality Leeza Gibbons was shocked that the woman attempting to vandalize her car was none other than rival talk-show host Hilary Banks. Banks, seen here wielding a potato..."
Hilary: Wielding? I was not wielding, I was rubbing. I rubbed that damn potato all over Leeza's car and it didn't make a scratch. At least they didn't catch me putting my keys in her exhaust pipe.

Vivian: Will, when I was a little girl, I got so mad at your mother I stopped speaking to her for weeks.
Will: Heh. Really? It's hard to imagine you being quiet for that long, Aunt Viv. [laughing] Go on.
Vivian: She gave away one of my favorite toys. It was a Raggedy Ann doll. But I got over it.
Vy: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. My mom told me about that. Didn't you chop the head off her teddy bear and flush it down the toilet?
Vivian: That's how I got over it.

Hilary: Geoffrey. Geoffrey! Geoffrey!
Geoffrey: Yes, Miss Hilary?
Hilary: I have been calling you for 15 minutes. Didn't you hear me?
Geoffrey: Yes, but I so rarely have a woman scream my name I was rather enjoying it.

Hilary: I need to tape Leeza Gibbons' show. I'm gonna record every nasty thing she says and then I'm gonna sue her for definition of character. Now, how do you turn this on?
Geoffrey: Why don't you just use the VCR?
Hilary: Geoffrey, if I knew how to use the VCR, would I need this camera? No, I would not. Oh, it's already started. Turn it on.

Will: Yo, Nicky, you ready?
Nicky: Almost. Hurry up, man, we got to get on.
Carlton: Where's Nicky? Today is children's day at the Nixon Library.
Will: Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up, man. Nicky's going with me. I'm taking him to the sorority beach-volleyball tournament. Mm. Two hundred honeys bumping and spiking. You know what I mean? Heh. You know what I mean? Yeah, you don't know what I mean.
Carlton: Will, you're just Nicky's cousin, I'm his brother. I'm a big branch of his family tree.
Will: Mm. Then why are your limbs so short?

Will: Whoa, nice flowers. Another stalker?
Hilary: I wish. I had a problem at the studio today.
Geoffrey: What happened?
Hilary: Well, I was late for my talk-show taping, so I parked in the first space I could find. I found out later it was Leeza Gibbons' spot and she had my car towed. [sighs] I was so upset, I sent these flowers to cheer myself up.
Will: Man, now who does a thing like that?
Hilary: I know, can you believe her? I don't care how high her ratings are, nobody treats Hilary Banks like this. I'll get her. And her little car too.
Will: You're not taking them diet pills again, are you?

Hilary: Will, you have to help me think of a way to get even with her.
Geoffrey: Forgive me, but why are you involving Master William?
Hilary: Will's come a long way from Philly, but let's face it he's still a common street hood from the wrong side of the tracks. So will you help me?
Will: Oh, gee, you know, when you put it that way... no.

Vivian: Will, at this age, Nicky is like a sponge. If he hears something he likes, he's gonna imitate it.
Will: Oh, kind of like Michael Bolton.