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‘Slum Like It... Not!’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Slum Like It... Not!

519. Slum Like It... Not!

Aired March 13, 1995

Worried about his financial future, Will talks Uncle Phil into investing in Jazz's apartment block.

Quote from Will

Ashley: Daddy, why don't you hear Will out? He might say something you like.
Philip: Well, I guess you're right. My father always said there's no such thing as a bad idea.
Carlton: Yes. But your father never heard about fried-chicken-flavored aspirin. What did you call it again, Will?
Will: Rotisserie-gold-icillin.
Carlton: And let's not forget about his beepers that cough.
Will: Oh, now, wait a minute. That one could've worked. You just never thought it through enough, Uncle Phil. See, now check this out, you're sitting in a movie theater, your beeper go off. Instead of hearing beep, beep, beep, beep, you hear: [coughing and snorting] See? That's a lot less annoying, right?

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Quote from Jazz

Carlton: Good Lord, who knows what kind of vermin are in here?
Jazz: How do?
Philip: I don't have time for you, Jazz. I have to meet with the head of the tenants association.
Jazz: Okay. But before I go, this'll make you laugh. Knock, knock.
Philip: Who's there?
Jazz: The head of the tenants association. That's me.
Will: But wait a minute. Jazz, you mean you're the person that's suing my uncle? Man, what were you thinking about?
Jazz: I'm just trying to protect your investment. After you put a couple of million dollars in this place, it'll be worth thousands.

Quote from Carlton

Will: Stop it, Carlton. Now, put it back in the fuse box, please. This is dangerous.
Carlton: Not if you know how to read. Look, it says touch here.
Will: Cool.
Carlton: But wait. There's more. "A town risk." What the heck does that mean? A town risk. [Will screams] Oh, at own risk. Sorry.

Quote from Geoffrey

Ashley: Oh, Will, there's nothing to worry about. So what, you and Lisa have no place to live.
Carlton: And no money in the bank.
Geoffrey: And a crummy dead-end job. Heh. Oh, wait. That would be me.

Quote from Will

Will: Hey, hey. Hey, look. Hey, dude. I'm only gonna say this once. Get off me. I'm only gonna say this twice.
Bailiff: Your Honor, these gentlemen claim to know you. You want me to throw them in the lockup?
Philip: Oh, would you?
Will: Hey, Uncle Phil.
Philip: Oh, all right. Thank you, Kevin.
Will: Get off me, Kevin.
Philip: What do you two want? I'm in the middle of making a very crucial decision here.
Will: Uh, go with the original. Extra crispy is overrated.

Quote from Geoffrey

Will: Hey, I wasn't doing nothing. Hey.
Geoffrey: Hello, Master William.
Philip: Danish?
Geoffrey: Only on my mother's side.

Quote from Will

Philip: Now this is how you put together a presentation. You see how he's organized all the facts and figures here? Some of these figures look pretty good. Mm.
Will: You just like that piechart in there, don't you?
Philip: Ha, ha. Well, you can joke if you want to, but I wouldn't mind taking a big bite out of this pie.
Will: So you mean you like this presentation, Uncle Phil?
Philip: I certainly do. Oh. Hey, I'm sorry, son. It's just that, you know well, this is where Carlton shines.
Will: Oh, yeah. I mean, you know my presentation was nothing compared to this. Oh, get the... Oh, wait a minute. This is my presentation. Look. What that say there?
Philip: "Presented by Will Smith."
Will: Oh, that what it says? You know, it's amazing because just last night you were saying how stupid this was. You know, it must have morphed.
Philip: Yeah, well, see, I really flipped through it rather quickly, you know and-
Will: You backpedal any faster, Uncle Phil, you're gonna moonwalk right through that wall.

Quote from Carlton

Will: Well, thank you guys very much. I feel better now.
Ashley: Don't worry, Will. You and Lisa will be okay.
Carlton: That's right. I believe you'll always be able to make a living. You do own a squeegee, don't you?

Quote from Will

Philip: Will, if this is about another one of your investment ideas, forget it. I don't know, they're just a little too... What is the word I'm looking for?
Carlton: Stupid?
Philip: Bingo. [laughs]
Will: Whoa, wait a minute.
Carlton: Dad doesn't need financial advice from you. Why do you think he has me?
Will: I don't know. What, the drugstore was closed that weekend?

Quote from Will

Will: All right, all right. Look, is it worth five minutes to hear the investment opportunity of a lifetime?
Philip: No.
Will: I'll take it as a yes. Hit it, Jazz. [reggae music plays]
Will: [in Jamaican accent] Uncle Phil, mon how would you like to live in an island paradise?
Philip: You expect me to buy an island?
Will: Oh, no, mon. I expect you to retire there. Boom! [Jazz sticks Uncle Phil's head on the picture of a man] Oh. Look at this man. The sun from your melon be blinding the little children. Blee-bah-bah! [Jazz sticks a hat on Uncle Phil's head in the picture]
Philip: Get to the point!

Quote from Will

Philip: So you want me to take a chance on you, huh?
Will: No, I want you to give me a chance, Uncle Phil. Listen, I'm really serious about this. I'm not asking for a handout. I mean, you're gonna make a bundle on this deal too.
Philip: Okay, son. I'll have my accountant check it out.
Will: Uh, whoa, hold it. Little problem, little problem. Got a little time problem here. Uncle Phil, this place is gonna go fast. Look, just give me the 5 percent, let me put it down. I mean, you spend more than that on Milk Duds. You know, in the course of a year.
Philip: You know. You know, Will, you backpedal pretty well yourself.

Quote from Will

Will: Can I see the list of complaints, please? "Somebody keep making them damn Chevy Chase movies. Dude in apartment 3G keep calling me sugar drawers."
Philip: Complaints about the building, Jazz.
Will: I think they kick in right here, Uncle Phil. "Sticky stuff on the stairs tastes bitter."
Philip: Oh, my God, let me see this. I only have seven days to bring every violation up to code and look at all of these.
Will: Look, Uncle Phil, you want me to start calling repairmen?
Carlton: No, Will, he wants you to call the idiot who keeps greenlighting all those Chevy Chase movies.

Quote from Jazz

Jazz: Hey, Mr. Banks, I just wanted to say...
Philip: Oh, that's okay, Jazz. You don't have to thank me.
Jazz: Thank you? Damn, a coat of paint in a roach motel and you're all over yourself. I came to make you an offer.
Philip: Offer?
Jazz: Yeah, an offer to withhold my rent until I can come up with it.
Philip: Not on your life.
Jazz: Very well, then. Thank you for considering my proposal. Have a nice day. [stairs creak] Hey, landlord. Do I detect a hazardous stairwell? [yells] [thudding]
Philip: Ooh. My God.
Will: Uh, that's okay, Uncle Phil. His rent check would have bounced too.

Quote from Will

Ashley: Will, I don't think I've ever seen you bite your nails. Are you worried about something?
Will: I was not biting my nails, Ashley. [spitting]
Carlton: Well, Will, when I'm nervous I put a bag over my head and breathe very deeply.
Will: Does that help?
Carlton: Absolutely. By the time I regain consciousness I've forgotten everything I was worried about.
Ashley: Come on, Will. I know something's bothering you.
Will: Oh, okay, I'll admit it. You know, I am getting married in two months and that does give a brother a lot to think about, you know. Heh. That doesn't mean I'm worried about my future because I'm not. [bites the bottom of an unwrapped banana] That's how I eat them.

Quote from Will

Will: No, wait a minute. Me and Lisa are gonna be just fine, okay? I'm gonna make something of myself. I got a whole lot of great ideas to make me some money.
Ashley: So, what's the problem?
Will: I ain't got no money. It takes money to make money, Ashley. What I need is somebody to just walk in and say...
Philip: You know what? I just made a bundle on the stock market. Ha. Now I just need something to invest it in.
Chorus: [singing] Hallelujah, hallelujah

Quote from Will

Will: Hey, Hil, you always get money from Uncle Phil. How do you do it?
Hilary: Well, first I tell him that I love him. Then I hug him so tight his wallet falls out and I kick it under the couch.
Will: So you hug him just to get money? That is low.
Philip: Well...
Will: Give me a hug, you big bear.

Quote from Will

Philip: Will, I am not interested in any of your harebrained get-rich-quick schemes.
Will: Okay, okay. Uncle Phil, now listen. This new idea is not stupid. And I do not wanna get rich quick. I just wanna be a married man who's responsible and realistic. And I need to do it in two weeks.
Philip: Two weeks, Will?
Will: You know, two days would be even better.
Philip: Now, if you have an idea you want me to take seriously present it to me in a well-thought-out, professional manner. You know, beat by beat.

Quote from Philip

Philip: Mm, mm, mm. Little Lance Ito. Who'd have thought it?

Quote from Philip

Will: Okay, okay. All right, okay. Okay. Uncle Phil, all we're saying is all this could be yours if you invest in this.
Philip: An apartment building?
Will: No, no, no. This isn't just an apartment building, Uncle Phil. This is... [Jazz makes trumpet fanfare sound] Chalet Towers.
Jazz: Uh-huh.
Philip: I don't think I'm interested.
Will: Well, Jazz lives here, Uncle Phil.
Philip: Oh, that's very different. I know I'm not interested.

Quote from Jazz

Jazz: Oh, come on. I don't want our cozy abode turned into a strip mall. I lived in a strip mall, Mr. Banks. And I'm sure I don't need to tell you how hard it is to take a bath in the men's room sink.
Philip: Bailiff!

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