Carlton: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
[Carlton runs out the kitchen door and around the side of the house]
Carlton: Oh, God. Oh, Lisa!
Will: [to himself] Gotcha. [laughs]
[Carlton runs in through the living room doors and back into the kitchen]
Carlton: No! No! Tell me you didn't. Oh, God. [Carlton drops to the floor and crawls back out the door]
Carlton: No, no, no.
[Carlton runs into the cabin]
Carlton: Will, no. Oh, my God, no! Oh, no.
[Carlton climbs the steps of the audience]
Carlton: How could you do that? Oh, no. Oh, my Oh, God. Oh, God. No.
[Carlton emerges from the elevator in The Peacock Stop]
Carlton: No. Oh, God, how could he do that? How could he do that?
[Carlton runs off set and hugs Will]
Carlton: Oh, my God! Oh, my God.

Philip: It's confidence, son. Women love a confident man. Take me for instance. Why, back in the day, [chuckles] I'd slip on the old dashiki, puff up the old fro, find a foxy mama, say, "Hey, baby, let's get it on." [chuckles]
Carlton: And they bought that?
Philip: Actually, your mother was the only one.

Lisa: Oh, Will, don't let that spoil anything, because this has been the greatest night.
Will: Well, if you like this one, wait till you see the sequel.
Lisa: You are a dog. [Will barks] The only problem is I really wanna be a Kappa and if they see me with you, they won't let me in.
Will: Don't even worry about that, I'll wear a disguise. I'll go Michael Jackson style.
Lisa: You don't need to go that far. I'm house-sitting a friend's cabin this weekend and I wouldn't mind a little company.
Will: Little company? I'm more like the Fortune 500, you know? AT&T. Reach out and touch a brother if you got your bill paid.

Will: Autumn, my favorite time of the year. The leaves are falling and the hotties are pledging. Here I go, girl. Baby, if I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? Get it? That's a double entendre. Savez-vous? Savez-vous?
Lisa: [speaks French]
Will: Oh, Grey Poupon to you too, girl. Hey, listen, what do you say we go have some dinner tonight? You know, escargots and all that.
Lisa: I don't think that will be a good idea. I'm pledging Kappa and we sisters have to stick together.
Carlton: That's right. Your lines won't work with us, mister.
Will: Lines? What are y'all talking about? These aren't lines. You know what? A woman cannot take it when a man is honest. Look, when I take a woman out, I'm 100 percent gentleman. Look, I'm... [Carlton and the sorority all parrot Will's line] opening car doors, paying for dinners.
All: And I treat a woman like a king treats a queen.
Will: Y'all remembered those, huh?

Carlton: What's wrong, Will? Rough weekend?
Will: Carlton man, listen, my date with Lisa didn't quite turn out the way I planned.
Carlton: Pray tell, why not?
Will: Carlton, we got up there, the girl went crazy. She tied me to this chair, was trying to torture me.
Carlton: No.
Will: But I got loose, man. Then she really went off. So I grabbed this rock, man... [sobs] and I... Oh, my God, she's still up there.

Vivian: This piece is exquisite.
Philip: It certainly is. And you can sense the artist's pain and yet it's a celebration of life.
Will: Yo! A swap meet.
Philip: This is Mr. Culture.
Will: What you talking about, Uncle Phil? I got me a capacity for paintings, man. You know, I can sense what the artist is saying. Oh, like this one. "What a brother got to do to get some fries?" See, and here, I can sense the juxtaposition of metaphors interspersed with the three-second violation.
Philip: You're a jackass.
Vivian: What is that noise?
Philip: Oh, Geoffrey's using my electric shoe buffer.
Will: Do you mean that old thing with all the frayed wires?
Philip: Hey, now, that's a one-of-a-kind original. They don't make them like that anymore.
[After the lights flicker, Geoffrey is flung down the stairs in a cloud of smoke. He cautiously stands up with his jacket smoking.]
Will: I call this one Workmen's Compensation.

Will: I don't believe you. You're so desperate to get over, you gonna go out on your own blood.
Carlton: I'm not trying to get over on anybody, Will. Your problem is that you can't understand or respect women because you're not in touch with your feminine side.
Will: You know what your problem is, C? You're not in touch with anybody's feminine side.

Hilary: Daddy, today I bought something for someone I really love.
Philip: I hope you enjoy it, sweetheart.
Hilary: Daddy, it's for you. Well, what do you think?
Philip: It's... It's a... Blue.
Hilary: I bought it next door at the new country club. It's a Marachi, handmade in Milan. Don't you love it? Try it on.
Philip: Well, ha, ha my first Marachi.
Hilary: Okay. Well, I just think that sweater looks gorgeous. In fact, I'm gonna buy you a matching hat. [exits]
Philip: Oh, sweetheart...
Geoffrey: Tell me, sir, do I wash that or take a weed whacker to it?

Carlton: [picks up the phone] Carlton Banks here.
Will: Carlton, it's Will. I'm up at Lake Arrowhead with Lisa. Listen, she got me tied to a chair, man.
Carlton: Oh, stop bragging, you sick pervert. [hangs up]
Ashley: Who's a pervert?
Carlton: Oh, I'm just teasing Will. See, some sorority girls are playing a trick on him at some cabin.
Ashley: What kind of trick?
Carlton: They're going to terrorize and torture him. Oh, don't worry, it's all in good fun.

Ashley: Wow, it's Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: Hi.
Ashley: Hi.
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: How you doing? Thank you.
Philip: Pleased to meet you.
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: Hey, how are you?
Philip: That will be $140.
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: Jeez, I'm so sorry. You know, putting is the worst part of my game. Hey, nice sweaters.
Vivian: Oh, Marachi. Our daughter bought them for us.
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: She's got great taste.
Jazz: Hey, Mr. Kareem, they're waiting for you on the tee.
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: Got to run, ciao.