Trevor: Anyway, Alexis said I couldn't have called at a better time. They're doing a show about political candidates and their families and she said that one of the families just dropped out.
Hilary: So they're flying all of us to Chicago tomorrow morning. I'm so excited. I have always wanted to go to Chicago. Oh, wait, am I going to need a passport?

Will: Oh, and by the way, Uncle Phil... I don't remember if I told you or not, but when I dropped the tape off at the editor, I just, you know, authorized a few last minute changes.
Philip: You authorized a few...? Nobody gave you permission to authorize any changes.
Will: No, but it's cool, Uncle Phil, you're going to love it. Here it comes.
Philip: [on TV] Hi, I'm Philip Banks, and I'm running for Superior Court J-J-J-Judge. [footage of Uncle Phil partying]
Philip: What the hell is that?
Vivian: That was our New Year's Eve party.
Will: Oh, Uncle Phil, you know, I just put in a couple of home movies you know, to show your human side. It gets better, check it out.
Philip: [on TV] And if you put me on the bench, I'll take a real bite out of crime. Bite, Bite, Bite. [footage of Uncle Phil eating pizza] Vote for Philip Banks. Philip Banks. Philip Banks.
Will: [laughs, cheers] Emmy! Hey, so what do you think, Uncle Phil?
[Uncle Phil throws Will out of the house, a la Jazz]

Will: Oprah, I have a question.
Oprah Winfrey: We're not ready for that portion of the show just yet, but, Mrs. Banks, answer me this if you will.
Will: I'm Will, Oprah, I can answer it.
Oprah Winfrey: Come here.
Will: Come? Me come?
Oprah Winfrey: Come here. Come on. Okay, see, this is it. I'm the one with the microphone. And you can't answer a question until I ask the question. You understand how it works?
Will: You ask then I answer. It works like...
Oprah Winfrey: Good. Now sit down. Sit down.

Will: Oh, Oprah.
Oprah Winfrey: Young brother, what do you want?
Will: I was just wondering, is it the question portion yet?
Oprah Winfrey: Do you have a question?
Will: Yes.
Oprah Winfrey: Okay, what is your question?
Will: I have a question for Senator Lloyd. Senator, let's say that, you know, you had a young urban handsome nephew. Would you let him come on the Oprah Winfrey Show with you?
Senator Lloyd: Well, I sure would, son. And let me say, I love your Leslie Uggams.
Will: Thanks. My next question is for Mr. Banks.
Oprah Winfrey: Two questions?
Will: Yeah. Mr. Banks, would you let your nephew come on the Oprah Winfrey Show or would you make him fly all the way to Chicago for nothing to sit out in the audience, to be embarrassed in front of his girl. Hi, Latisha. Huh?

Woman: I have a question for Mr. Banks. Has being in politics ruined your sex life?
Philip: No, mine's great, how's yours, honey? [laughs]
Will: Oprah, I have a question.
Oprah Winfrey: Will, I missed you. Okay.
Will: My question is for Mrs. Banks. Mrs. Banks, let's say that your oldest sister, who sacrificed her whole life to raise you, sent her only son out to live with you and you promised to treat him like your own. Um, and just for the sake of argument, let's call him Will. Would you bring him on the Oprah Winfrey Show with you or would you make him sit in the audience like you're ashamed of him?
Vivian: We're not ashamed of you. It's just... Sit down, shut up, and behave yourself.
Oprah Winfrey: Okay, let me take a wild stab in the dark here. You all are related?
Will: Yes, Oprah. See, it's all coming out, it's all coming out.
Oprah Winfrey: Anybody got a tissue, anybody? Thank you. Yes. Here, you poor sweetheart. Blow. You poor baby. [Will whimpers] I mean, I think this is terrible. This is- You should go up there and be with your family, where you belong. Don't you think so, audience? Go on up there and be with your family, where you belong.
Will: Move, Ashley, move. Thank you, Oprah.

Will: Look, Oprah, I have something to say.
Oprah Winfrey: What a surprise.
Will: Now, look, my uncle brought me out from Philadelphia to live with him so I could get a head start in life. And, now, we have some problems, but what family doesn't? All I know is when I need these people, they are right there for me. [audience applaud]
Philip: That's nice of you to say, Will.
Man: Well, if you ask me your whole damn family is crazy.
Will: All right, see brother, if we was in Philly, it might have to be something. But we on TV and I believe Martin's philosophy non-violence, so I'm going to chill. I'm going to chill.
Man: And if your mama sent you out here to live with them then she's crazy, too.
Will: Hey, man, don't nobody talk about my mother, man. [runs at the man]
Oprah Winfrey: We'll be right back.

Hilary: Oprah, I always love your clothes. And that's such a gorgeous suit.
Oprah Winfrey: Well, I tell you what, if you really like it, I will send you one in your size.
Hilary: Wow! I always heard that you were generous, but... Oh, my God, I can't believe this.
Carlton: Me neither. Gee, Oprah, I really like that diamond bracelet.
Oprah Winfrey: Nice try.

Philip: Will, I can't believe I took your advice about my TV campaign spot.
Will: Uncle Phil, you really would have buried Judge Robertson if you would have let me put the Uh-Huh Girls in there with you. It would have been like, "Banks is the right one, baby, uh-huh!"

Lydia: And after I got out of Betty Ford I started a new life with the Maharishi Anaghanda. [audience applaud]
Hilary: You are so brave. I mean, wearing red shoes with a pink dress.

Will: Hey, Ms. Winfrey.
Oprah Winfrey: Will, I'll tell you what. You know, after all we've been through, you can call me Oprah.
Will: You got it, Ope... Oprah. You know, your initials, O.W? Did anybody ever tell you that spells "ow"?
Oprah Winfrey: Uh-huh. I knew that.
Will: Look, Oprah I hope I didn't mess your show up too much. And I'm really sorry for the way I acted.
Oprah Winfrey: Listen, don't you apologize, because I'm thinking it was a great experience.
Will: Really?
Oprah Winfrey: Absolutely. As a matter of fact, here...
Will: What's this?
Oprah Winfrey: Two free tickets to the Donahue Show. Tell Phil Oprah said, "Hi."
Will: She likes me.