Will: [v.o.] See, my moms won the WDAS-FM Back To Africa Contest. She spotted anything culturally wrong in The Lion King.
Both: Mmm.
Laqueesha: I will see you later.
Will: Little did she know that's the last time she'd see me.
Jazz: [v.o.] Your woman was murdered?
Will: [v.o.] Can I finish?
Jazz: [v.o.] My fault, go ahead.

Will: [v.o.] O'Neill escaped by bowling over nine agents and a DEA dog. My life was in danger so they put me in witness protection in Deliverance, Alabama. They hooked me up with a new life and a new name.
Will: Floyd Palmer? Hey, look, no. Uh-uh. Come on. I'm more like a Malcolm Akbar Mustafa.
Agent Moore: It's taken.
Will: Wait, wait, whoa, whoa, hold up. Come on. I'm a city boy. You know, I got to get out to: I gotta get out to the club and get my little groove on. Talk some jazz. Got me?
Agent Moore: Well, the nearest town is Hatred, Mississippi. I can check if there's dancing.

Will: Man, it was the most horrifying thing I had ever seen.
[flashback:]
Will: [screams] Uncle Phil. Hey, man, what you doing here?
Philip: What am I doing here? What am I doing here? [chuckling] Well, son, I'll tell you what I'm doing here. You see, years ago I fell in love with and married a wonderful woman named Vivian. Vivian had a sister named Vy.
Vy gave birth to a child named Will whose sole purpose in life has been to make mine a living hell. Now, you've done a lot to me over the last four years, but how you managed to have me ripped out of my wonderful life in Bel-Air and relocated to this landfill boggles my mind. What do you have to say for yourself?
Will: Is that a toupee?
Philip: Yes, it's a toupee. It's a part of my new identity. You see what you do to me? Now, where's the bathroom?
Will: It's right through that door.
Philip: It leads outside.
Will: Oh, yeah, I know. You better take this broomstick. There's something living in there.

Will: Hey, my family. Aunt Viv. What happened?
Ashley: The FBI heard that your hit man was gonna try to get to you through us. So they put us in the witness protection program too.
Carlton: See, Mom, I always said Will would be the ruin of this family but did you listen to me? Does anyone ever listen to me?
Will: What are you babbling about, Carlton?
Carlton: Carlton? There's no Carlton here. Thanks to you, Carlton Banks no longer exists. He's now Little Zeke from Cabin Creek.

Will: [v.o.] I knew it was just a matter of time before O'Neill found me so I decided to fight fire with fire. I enlisted the aid of my future father-in-law and his trigger-happy kin.
Will: All right, listen, now, when you hear me say the word "family" that's when you coming running out, all right? All right.
Hatfield McCoy: You heard my future son-in-law, now git.
Will: [v.o.] As they ran off to take their positions I realized one thing: Hatfield didn't use deodorant. I had to kill time before the killer came to kill me. I thought about all those showdowns I'd seen in all those Westerns. The good guys usually won. Well, except for the Unforgiven where everybody got killed. And then there was Posse which got killed at the box office.

Jazz: How did you get away?
Will: Ante up and I'll tell you.
Jazz: I'm out of money.
Will: Then I'm out of story.
Jazz: Wait a second. That part about the bear wasn't true, was it?
Carlton: None of it was true. Mister, consider yourself hustled. [Will & Carlton laugh]
Will: Listen, why don't you come over for some poker tomorrow we'll tell you about Carlton and the alien.
Jazz: You know, you guys are nothing but a bunch of stinking, thieving liars. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go sit on a vase and get home to my wife.

Will: Jazz, I got 10 bucks that says you bluffing worse than Haiti.
Carlton: Let's see you beat three kings.
Jazz: Two pair.
Carlton: Yes. [Will chuckles]
Jazz: A pair of red fives and a pair of black fives.
Will: That is eight pots in a row. Couldn't nobody be that lucky... unless they were cheating.
Jazz: It ain't cheating, Will. It's focus. The fact is the only time I ever concentrate is when I'm playing poker. It's a gift.
Carlton: Well, according to my calculations, over the last three years Jazz has beaten us for approximately $13,000.
Jazz: It would've been 14 if you hadn't gone back to Philly. My wallet sure missed you, homey.

Will: Well, I wasn't in Philly the whole time, Jazz.
Jazz: No? Where were you, Kalamazoo?
Will: Alabama.
Jazz: And what were you doing in Alabama?
Will: I witnessed a murder.

Jazz: Oh, you ain't witnessed no murder. Did he, Carlton?
Carlton: I'm not at liberty to discuss this. And you shouldn't either.
Jazz: Oh, shut up, Carlton. Ain't nothing that me and Will don't know about each other.
Will: Except this.
Jazz: For real? Tell me.
Carlton: He can't. Agent Moore swore us to secrecy.
Will: Look, Carlton is right, Jazz. I'm sorry I brought it up. Let's just play.
Jazz: Will, if you don't tell me what went down, our friendship is over.

Will: It all started on a hot August day back in Philly. Okay, you want to ante up? I had just arrived at Duke's with my girl, Laqueesha. The City of Brotherly Love's finest sister.
[flashback:]
Will: Oh, baby, thank you so much for walking me to work. And thank you for breakfast too.
Laqueesha: Oh, well, am I a better cook than your mama?
Will: See, y'all got different styles. My mom usually like to cook with her clothes on.
Laqueesha: Well, I guess when she comes home from her trip I'm gonna have to go back to my own place, huh?
Will: Well, either that or we have to be very, very quiet.