Sergeant: Sit down!
Philip: Hey! You don't talk to my wife like that.
Sergeant: Now, wait a minute, buddy. Who the hell do you think you're talking-
Philip: Who the hell do you think you're talking to?
Henry: What's going on?
Sergeant: May I help you, sir?
Henry: I'm Henry Furth.
Sergeant: Good news. Your car is safe and sound. And we've got the perpetrators.
Henry: Those aren't the perpetrators. Those are my partner's son and nephew.
Sergeant: Partner?
Philip: Legal partner. I've got a few questions for you. When you got this alleged confession from them did they have a lawyer present? No. Because I'm their lawyer. Did you notify their parents? No. Because we're their parents. So, Officer, don't tell us to wait. And don't tell us to sit down. Just open that damn cell and let those two boys out or I'll tie this place up with so much litigation that your grandchildren are gonna need lawyers!

Geoffrey: I must say Mr. Jazz's sister is quite a charmer.
Philip: Yes, she is. Makes me question the whole theory of genetics.

Will: Look, man, I don't have the problem, alright? You have the problem. I remind you of where you came from and what you used to be. Now, I don't know, somewhere between Princeton or the office, you got soft. You forgot who you are and where you came from.
Philip: You think you're so wise. [Will turns away] Look at me when I'm talking to you. Let me tell you something, son. I grew up on the streets just like you. I encountered bigotry you could not imagine. Now, you have a nice poster of Malcolm X on your wall. I heard the brother speak. I read every word he wrote. Believe me, I know where I come from.
Will: You actually heard Malcolm speak, man?
Philip: That's right. So before you criticize somebody, you find out what he's all about.

Marge: Looks like I've had quite an impact on your kids.
Philip: You're proud of getting a high school kid suspended?
Marge: If you mean, am I proud to have told him to do anything you have to for what you believe in then, yes, I am.
Vivian: Marge, when you talked to Will about when we chained ourselves together at sit-ins, you're only giving him the romantic part of the struggle. Girlfriend, you are leaving out everything that went before it. The leaflets, the petitions, the years of trying to work through the system.
Marge: If the system doesn't work, you have to blow the door down. Looks like you forgot that.
Philip: You talk as if I wasn't there with you in Birmingham facing dogs and fire hoses. This is me, Olifami. The same Olifami that was with you the night Harlem went up in flames. But now I have a family and I choose not to fight in the streets. I have an office to fight from and I have fought and won cases for fair housing, affirmative action, health care, and I am not ashamed to write a big fat check for something I believe in and that doesn't make me any less committed than you. So don't you dare look down your damn nose at me, Adibola.

Will: Uncle Phil, I don't think "comedian" is a bad word.
Philip: It is in this house. I just spent thousands of dollars sending you to a topnotch prep school. Maybe I should have just sent you to Camp Funnypants.
Will: Look, I bet Sinbad's parents supported him when he wanted to be a comedian.
Philip: They named him Sinbad! He had two options: Pirate or comic.

Philip: You know, Geoffrey, I do believe that of all the holidays Thanksgiving is my favorite. Oh, the yams, the cranberry sauce, the pie and, of course, that big old Butterball.
Geoffrey: Well, you are what you eat.
Philip: [laughs] Did you just call me a big old Butterball?
Geoffrey: Nothing gets past you, sir.
Philip: Ha-ha-ha. You know, Geoffrey, if you're going to comment on my girth you could at least put some thought into it.
Geoffrey: I beg your pardon, sir?
Philip: Well, I mean there are just so many more interesting ways to say it. I mean, you could be poetic. His corpulent flesh rolls around his bones like a thick chocolate pudding. Huh? Or scientific. He is so huge that food comes to him from the gravitational pull alone. Huh? Ha-ha-ha. Or you could be quizzical. Is that your head or is your neck blowing a bubble? You could be ribald, ironic, vaudevillian, whatever. But be creative. You got that?
Geoffrey: Anything you say, sir.
Will: Hey. Hey, what's up? Oh, Uncle Phil. Uh, that elephant that trampled all them people called, he want his butt back.

Vivian: Philip, do you think I'm old?
Philip: Of course not.
Vivian: Do you think I'm pretty?
Philip: Woman, look in that mirror and tell me what you see.
Vivian: I don't know.
Philip: Well, let me tell you. I see every great thing a man could possibly want in a woman. Eyes so dark and deep a man could get lost in them. Skin the color of mahogany, soft as satin. A body fit for a goddess. Look how beautiful you are. Look. Look how beautiful you are. Why do you think I make it home by 6:00 every night?
Vivian: I thought it was for those little cheese things Geoffrey makes.
Philip: [chuckles] Well, it's not.

Philip: Anyway, let me update this for you. Say a stranger asks you for directions. Now, you don't know where it is, but do you say that? No. You say, "Go down three blocks, make a left, you can't miss it."
Will: Yeah. I got plenty of dudes out there still looking for places.
Philip: Same guy asks a woman. Now, she doesn't know either. But she says, "I don't know." Pfft. That's the difference between men and women.
Will: Wait, wait, wait, Uncle Phil. What is it that makes men act like that?
Philip: It's testosterone, the male hormone.
Will: And women don't have testosterone?
Philip: Well, I believe they do, but theirs is dormant most of the time. Excuse me.
Will: Wait, wait. Uncle Phil, hold on. You don't know the answer to none of these questions I'm asking you, do you?
Philip: No, I guess I don't.
Will: Then why didn't you just say so?
Philip: Because I'm a man. Hmph.

Philip: I can't imagine what kind of excuse you could come up with. Do you have anything to say in your own defense?
Will: Nothing. It's shameful, Uncle Phil. I mean, here you are busting your hump trying to impart values and teach basic human decency and I turn around and do some mess like this.
Philip: I just don't get it, Will. I mean what is going on in that head of yours?
Will: I don't know, Uncle Phil. I'm out of control. Please stop me before I disobey again.
Philip: Don't you ever stop to think before you do these disgusting things?
Will: Of course, I do, Uncle Phil. Do you think I like being the way I am? I'm a victim. I'm a victim of my imagination. Help me.
Philip: Well all right, since you put it that way. I'm not going to punish you, Will.
Will: You know, that's radical, Uncle Phil, but it just might work.
Philip: I'm not going to punish you today, maybe not even tomorrow. You see, I need to think a long, long time about just what I'm going to do with you. I don't know, it might come to me in the middle of the night or maybe next week, or a few years from now. In the meantime, why don't you worry about it? Be afraid, Will. Be very afraid. [laughs maniacally]
[sometime later:]
Philip: [reading a book of Medieval Tortures] I've got it. Will!

Geoffrey: Sir, about Saturday's menu, shall I prepare the same meal you had at your wedding?
Will: G, how's he supposed to remember what he had for dinner 25 years ago?
Philip: Well, we started out with some chicken pot pie and, oh, some delicious coleslaw. And then there was some really, really great baked beans, with, what, what, molasses. And for dessert, we had a big huge chunk of chocolate devil's food cake. Mmm. I'm guessing.
Geoffrey: If only that power could be used for good.