Philip: Good morning, everyone.
Will: Hey, Aunt Viv, I'm telling you, if we band together we can take him.
Vivian: Leave him alone, honey, he's mine. Philip, baby if Mr. Goodwrench wants to visit Mrs. Toolbox he'd better get Mr. Water running.
Philip: Carlton, get the yellow pages.

Quiz Show Host: [on TV] The question is, "What is the motto of The Three Musketeers?"
Geoffrey: That's an easy one. "Creamy on the inside, smooth on the outside."
Contestant: [on TV] "All for one and one for all!"
Quiz Show Host: [on TV] Right again.
Will: I can't believe you missed that one, G.
Carlton: Yeah, even Will could have guessed that one and the only thing he reads is the cereal box.
Will: Yeah, well, at least I don't fit in one.

Vivian: Hi, Will. Where's your uncle?
Will: He's throwing Jazz out the house again.
Vivian: Okay. Here are those poetry books you wanted. I used them in the Freshman Lit class I taught last year. If you have any questions about poetry, just ask me.
Will: Yeah, I have a question. I understand why guys get into poetry. To get girls. But why do girls like poetry?
Vivian: Because girls think with their brains.

Geoffrey: I must say Mr. Jazz's sister is quite a charmer.
Philip: Yes, she is. Makes me question the whole theory of genetics.

Hilary: All right. Let's make this fast. "Spider-Man. By Stan Lee." The yellow box says: "High above Manhattan." And Spider-Man goes, "My spider-sense is buzzing like a beehive."
Will: Uh, his Highness would like you to describe everything in the picture.
Hilary: Can't you just look at it?
Will: Uncle Phil!
Hilary: I was just asking.
Will: He's sitting on the edge of some stupid building and there are, like, wavy lines coming out of his head so he's hot, or his head smells or something. Anyway...
Will: Hilary. That's his spidey-sense.
Hilary: Okay. There's also something gross coming out of his wrist. Is this the guy you don't want to be standing next to at a party, or what?

Ashley: Geoffrey, where have you been?
Philip: Yes. Last thing you said was: "I just need to step outside for a little fresh air. I'll be right back." That was seven hours ago.
Geoffrey: Aw, don't get into a hissy fit, sir. I left dinner in the oven.
Ashley: Oh, thank goodness. I thought we were gonna have to eat what Daddy gave us.
Carlton: God help us. You'd think a guy who eats so much would at least know his way around the kitchen.

Will: Boy, Uncle Phil and Aunt Viv sure are hyped up about going down to their old neighborhood.
Carlton: Brother, I can just hear them now: "Look, kids, this is where we lived when we first got married. And this is the little park where we walked little Hilary."
Will: "And, oh look, there's the pet store where we bought little Carlton."