Will: See, once upon a time there was this young boy that lived in Philly, right? And right next to him lived the prettiest little honey you ever seen in your life. And he loved her with his whole heart and soul.
Ashley: Aw.
Will: Amen, sister. But see, on the other side of that girl lived this little, filthy McRotten dude and he wanted her just for her body, right? So one day, the two dudes was about to get it on, right? The girl came out and stopped them. She said, "No, flip a coin and the winner can be my boyfriend," right? So the nasty dude snatch off into his pocket, right? Calls heads, flips the coin, the nice guy lost the toss, and the girl, and it broke his heart. And do you know why he lost?
Vivian: Why?
Will: Because the nasty dude cheated. He had a two-headed coin. The nice guy didn't get the girl.
Philip: So, this story is about you, isn't it, Will?
Will: That's right, Uncle Phil. And to this day I just thank God I had my two-headed coin 'cause that girl was smoking, man.

Hilary: Well, I think heaven is this wonderful place where all the people are good-looking, nothing clashes, and you never have to wait for a table. And hell is like the Valley.
Ashley: What do you think, Daddy?
Philip: I think we're all damn lucky Hilary has a job.
Hilary: Thanks, Daddy.

Will: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold up here a minute. I'm sorry, Uncle Phil. A man is dead here, people.
I mean, did he not feel pain when he was hurt? I mean, did he not shiver when he was cold? Did he not dream? I mean, he was only human, but yes, he was human. And I fail to believe that the world can profit from a man's death. And I think each and every one of you should be really ashamed of yourselves.
Man: And who are you?
Will: [stammers] I'm the dude that killed him. [applause] Tough room.
Philip: Yeah.

Will: No, no, no, no, see, to me heaven has to be like a cross between a Sir Mix-A-Lot video and Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles. See, it's like I can have a leg in one hand and a breast in the other. So what do you think, G?
Geoffrey: I think I must have been very bad in a previous life.

Carlton: I figured it out, Will. I'm gonna get Dad what he always wanted.
Will: What, a Pizza Hut in the garage?

Carlton: Better. I'm going to clinch the election by getting an influential person to endorse him. Watch and learn. [on the phone] Hello, is President Bush there? Carlton. Carlton Banks. It's personal.
Will: [covers the phone] Carlton, are you by any chance an idiot?
Carlton: Not available? Perhaps you should let George know that as Alternate Assistant Treasurer to the Bel-Air Junior Republicans, I'm in a position to scratch his back if he'll scratch mine, capische? Hello?

Hilary: Daddy, now, you know how much I love you. I would do anything for you, right?
Philip: All right, Hilary, how much do you want?
Hilary: No, I'm talking about... Well, $100. But I was talking about the election. Now, for me to vote for you in good conscience I need to know where you stand on the issues.
Philip: Okay, well, I'm against plea bargaining and I'm for...
Hilary: Yeah, yeah, yeah. But where do you stand on a woman's right to choose the restaurant?
Philip: I think we should leave that up to the Supreme Court.

Will: My uncle fights for what he believes in.
Judge Robertson: Ooh. Shame on me.
Will: My uncle's three times the man you will ever be.
Judge Robertson: He's got my vote.
Will: And another thing: Everything you said in your campaign was a lie. You have no integrity, no decency, and you're really, really short. And I'll tell you another thing, if you don't like it, man, you can drop dead. [Judge Robertson collapses]
Reporter: Oh, my God, he's dead.
Will: Hey, come on, man, if I told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it? [runs out of the room screaming]

Will: Hey, G, did you bring the mail in yet?
Geoffrey: No. I've been saving that genteel pleasure to calm myself, lest I get too giddy from scrubbing the john.
Will: You know, you really need a woman, G.
Geoffrey: What's a woman?

Will: Hey, mail call! [to Hilary] For you, Self magazine, Shape magazine and Sassy magazine. [to Carlton] And for you, sir, Elf magazine, Ape magazine and Sissy magazine. [to Uncle Phil] And, for you, sir the bill for Self, the bill for Shape, and the bill for Sassy magazines.