Carlton: Will, is that all you're taking for the entire Christmas vacation?
Will: No, man. These just my hair products.
Carlton: What about your ski clothes?
Will: Carlton, skiing is for White guys named Sven and O.J. Simpson.
Carlton: Will, you deprived product of the ghetto, skiing is an extremely exhilarating sport.
Will: What is exhilarating about strapping two sticks on your feet flying down a hill at 90 miles an hour and slamming into a tree? This is L.A., man, if I want to get my head cracked I can star in the next Rodney King video.

Geoffrey: The real estate agent assured Mr. Banks that this cabin sleeps 15 people.
Vy: Well, there are 13 of us and only four beds. Now, I don't know how you do things in England but this family ain't that close.

Aunt Helen: Look, all I know is Lester and I have been saving up for this trip all year. We are not sleeping on the floor.
Lester: Baby, we're on vacation. Wherever we lie down, we aren't gonna be sleeping.
Aunt Helen: Lester, how many times I gotta tell you to cut down on that vitamin E? I am not a machine.
Lester: Well, I am. You gonna let me rock your world?
Vy: Get a grip on yourself, Lester.
Aunt Helen: Don't encourage him.

Vy: Well, Frank, how are you? It sure is good to see you.
Frank: Really? I thought you said, "Next time I see that White boy, I hope he's under a bus."
Vy: That was just a figure of speech. Come on, give big sister Vy a hug.
Will: You know, Mom, that was real sweet. Hey, somebody get an exorcist on the phone.

Will: Here we are in the lovely state of Utah. Don't ask me why. The only Black people I've seen been in the Ray Charles Pepsi commercial.
Frank: You're kidding. Every time I turn around, I see a Black person.

Aunt Helen: The creep even took the toilet paper. Don't ask me how I know.

Carlton: Will, I was really scared tonight.
Will: Yeah, Carlton, you're scared of zipper-fly jeans.
Carlton: Come on. I mean, weren't you scared, just a little bit?
Will: What, are you tripping, man? Scared? I was petrified, man. If Ashley hadn't slapped me, man, I might have screamed.
Carlton: I'll tell you one thing: What happened tonight made me realize how precious life is. And I promised myself that I would always make sure I let my family know how much I love them. So I just want to say I love you, Will. [Will is silent] Aren't you gonna say it back? [Will snores] I know how you feel, even if you won't say it. [sings] The road is long With many a winding turn that leads us to...
Ashley: If there is an ounce of decency left in you just tell him you love him.
Carlton: It's okay, Ash. [sings] Because we are family Hey hey hey yeah I got all my sisters--
Will: I love you, man. All right? I love you! I love you!
Carlton: I love you, too.

Vy: Will! Hey! What is that under your nose?
Will: I'm sorry. It's my mustache, Mom. Yeah, I know, you hate it.
Vy: No, no, baby, it looks great. Everything is great. Even your Aunt Helen's mustache is great.
Will: Wait, hold it. "Everything is great"? Mom, you okay?
Vy: Baby, listen, these days I'm seeing life in a whole new, wonderful way. This cup is not half empty, it's half full.
Will: Is it half full of Scotch?

Lester: Come on, Phil. We got time to get a good two hours of skiing in before dinner.
Aunt Helen: Well, hold it right there, Jean-Claude. I hope you're planning to take some skiing lessons.
Lester: I don't need lessons. I know how to ski.
[cut to a pair of paramedics helping Lester back into the cabin with his leg in a cast:]
Paramedic: Just keep him comfortable.
Aunt Helen: Forget comfortable. He's lucky I'm keeping him at all. Don't ever scare me like that again.
Bobby: Daddy. When you were rolling down that big hill you looked just like Gumby.
Will: Yeah, Uncle Les. And you sounded like Patti LaBelle.

Aunt Helen: So, so, so did you whiz in the tube?
Janice: Oh, it's upstairs. I'm afraid to look at it by myself. I want all of you guys to share this with me.
Aunt Helen: Come on, girl. This is a pregnancy test, not an order of nachos.