Geoffrey: Can I help you?
INS Agent: Are you Geoffrey Butler?
Geoffrey: Yes, I am. And you must be the woman of my dreams. [she handcuffs Geoffrey] You are! Ooh.

Will: Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Raphael de la Ghetto.
[Geoffrey walks down the stairs wearing a dashiki, a giant afro and a pair of glasses with the sun-lenses popped out]
Geoffrey: "Listen To the street beat Hear the sound pound Plug your ears Mask your fears Something weird's going down So listen to the street beat Listen to the box shock Listen, or I'll kill you" [applause]
Ned: That was heavy, man. Let's have another one. Encore. [all] Encore.
Geoffrey: "Cannon to the right of them Cannon to the left of them Cannon in front of them Volleyed and thundered"
Toni: Hilary, isn't that your butler?
Hilary: Yeah. Wow, it's a good look for him.
Geoffrey: "Came through the jaws of Death" [chatter] Silence, you ungrateful children. When you're ready to be quiet and listen, I shall return.

Will: Yo, G, here's the whipped cream you wanted for dinner.
Geoffrey: Who said it was for dinner?

Will: Yo, G, that was hilarious. Put a Barney Rubble head on, I'd swear it was Flintstones On Ice.
Geoffrey: I'm pleased that I've amused you, Master William. It is the least I can do, given the hours of merriment I have derived from looking at the remarkable way your ears protrude from your head.
Will: [laughs] BWA: Butler With an Attitude.

Philip: In light of your exemplary service over this past year, I'd like to offer you an additional $20 a week.
Geoffrey: I'm sorry? I thought you said $20 per week.
Philip: I did.
Geoffrey: Very well. Dinner at 7:00 as usual, sir? [Vivian pinches Phil's arm]
Philip: Ow. Of course that's not all, Geoffrey.
Geoffrey: Of course not, sir. I really didn't think so.
Philip: Why don't you treat yourself to a new uniform, on me.
Geoffrey: Thank you, sir, you're most kind. And with my newfound wealth... I can treat myself to a Happy Meal.

Geoffrey: Goodbye everyone. I'm off for the weekend.
Ashley: Bye, Geoffrey. I hope you enjoy your butlers' convention.
Geoffrey: Goodbye, Miss Ashley.
Will: Yo, G, G. I always wondered what y'all be doing at them joints. What is it, like reminiscing about Mr. French?
Geoffrey: Actually, we'll be reminiscing about Benson. It's the Black Butlers' Convention. This year's theme is "Get It Your Own Damn Self."

Vivian: Geoffrey, can I get some coffee, please?
Geoffrey: l'm working on it, madam.
Vivian: Well, when will it be ready?
Geoffrey: At this rate? About the time Queen Elizabeth opens for Queen Latifah.

Geoffrey: Well, if you're so confident in my lack of ability perhaps you'd like to make a little wager. Say, $30?
Will: Done.
Contestant: [on TV] Vietnam for $200.
Quiz Show Host: [on TV] You drew the wild card.
Carlton: What do you say, Geoffrey? Want to double your bet?
Geoffrey: Well, it is an awful lot of money but, what the hell.
Quiz Show Host: And the question is... "Who is the South Vietnamese president killed by his own generals in 1963?" [Will & Carlton laugh]
Geoffrey: Ngo Dinh Diem.
Quiz Show Host: [on TV] [buzzer] No guesses? The correct answer is Ngo Dinh Diem.
Geoffrey: [chuckles] Splendid. [exits]
Will: I say we call Immigration.

Quiz Show Host: [on TV] The category is Greek History. And the final Brainstorm question is. "What Bronze Age civilization emerged about 2500 BC?"
Hilary: Oh, I know, the Minoan civilization.
Contestant: [on TV] The Minoan civilization?
Quiz Show Host: [on TV] Correct.
Will: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold up, hold up. Time out. Flag on the plate, traveling, offsides, clipping. Hold up, wait a minute. What's up with this here?
Carlton: Hilary, how'd you know that?
Hilary: Easy, Geoffrey's been watching that tape all day.
Geoffrey: Well, I'm off to the store. When you're through, do turn off the VCR and return that tape of Brainstorm to my room. Oh, and might I add, ha ha! And, ha!

Geoffrey: Miss Hilary, you can't go through life quitting everything. You'll never achieve anything unless you stick with something. And you should stick with this because you've done a truly remarkable job on this party. Can't remember when I've seen you this happy.
Hilary: Yeah, but, Geoffrey, what difference does it make? I mean, do you really see Cindy saying: "Wow, you've just got to meet my friend, Hilary Banks. She can sculpt cauliflower into a bust of Barbra Streisand!"
Geoffrey: There's nothing demeaning about serving others, young lady. I'm very good at my job and in that I take great pride.
Hilary: I'm not as strong as you are, Geoffrey.
Geoffrey: Oh, no? Well, I had a hand in raising you, Miss Hilary and if I do say so myself, Geoffrey don't raise no fools. Now if you love this job as much as I think you do go out there, pick up a tray and enter that room as if you were the Queen of England.
Hilary: But she's so dowdy. Can I be Princess Caroline instead?
Geoffrey: [nods] Get busy, Princess.