Vivian: Let those kids out.
Sergeant: These kids are car thieves.
Vivian: Then you have made a big mistake. Now, I don't know how you got that bogus confession out of them but those two boys haven't stolen a thing from anyone. This has got to the biggest amateur operation I have seen since Mayberry R.F.D.
Police Officer: Could you ask your wife to calm down?
Vivian: Calm yourself, Barney Fife.
Philip: Vivian, please. Now, officers, I'm sure we can clear this whole matter up quite easily.
Sergeant: Could you please sit down? We're busy now.
Vivian: Oh, honey, we're about to get very busy.

Kayla: Let me tell you something. I got four older sisters, all of them mamas before they was 18. None of them finished high school. Everybody's waiting for Kayla. I'm the last chance for the whole damn family and you have no idea what that feels like.
Vivian: Oh, I know what that feels like. And I know what it feels like to clean hotel rooms during the day and go to school at night just to get the high school diploma I didn't get.
Will: Aunt Viv, you dropped out of high school?
Vivian: It's not something I'm proud of, but I did it. My whole family was counting on me, too. But I couldn't handle the pressure, so I ran off with some guy and quit school. By the time I realized I'd made a mistake, it was too late. I was left with no education and nothing I was qualified to do. It took me years to get back. And honey, if you wonder why I seem to fit so well here it's because I worked damn hard to get here and I know I deserve it. Your problem is is that you don't know you deserve it. Will knows it and I know it, but unless you know it there is nothing more I can say.

Vivian: Geoffrey, my bags are upstairs.
Geoffrey: How thrilling for you.
Vivian: Geoffrey, you know, I'm very, very fond of you but I'm also eight months pregnant and I'm not in a very good mood. I could very easily rip out your heart eat it, and then have cappuccino. Am I making myself quite clear?
Geoffrey: Hallmark couldn't have put it any better.
Will: Hey, you know, Aunt Viv I'm really gonna miss you this weekend.
Vivian: Oh, no, you're not. And I'm not gonna miss you, either.

Philip: All right, that reporter's going to be here any minute. Does everybody remember what they're supposed to say? Hilary?
Hilary: Yes, Daddy.
Philip: Ashley?
Ashley: Yes, Daddy.
Philip: Vivian?
Vivian: What is this, the von Trapp family? Philip, I'm not about to parrot compliments for the benefit of some reporter.

Vivian: Why did you want a course in Black history in the first place?
Will: Because I'm interested in it.
Vivian: Are you really?
Will: Of course.
Vivian: Well, you didn't seem too happy about all the work I was giving you. I mean, weren't you the one who said if you were interested in something, you would study hard?
Will: Aunt Viv, I read The Autobiography of Malcolm X three times.
Vivian: And that makes you a serious student on Black history?
Will: That's a very important book.
Vivian: Will, baby, you can read that book, you can wear the T-shirts, you can put up the posters, and shout the slogans, but unless you know all the history behind it you're trivializing the entire struggle. Now you started something very good here but it's up to you, baby, to follow through on it.

Philip: What took you so long?
Vivian: Oh, I just spent an hour chasing my outfit on the new rotating dress rack.
Philip: Why didn't you set the variable speed adjuster?
Vivian: Philip, these gadgets are making my life miserable.
Philip: Baby, you're the one that's wanted to redecorate.
Vivian: Well, yeah, I wanted to keep up with the Joneses, honey, not the Jetsons!

Philip: Vivian, you don't expect me to condone his behavior.
Vivian: Baby, I know that falling asleep is not a good thing. But your own secretary has said that she's had to nudge you awake after you've had Mexican food.
Philip: Only after the El Presidente Platter.
Vivian: And he should go to practice, but it is an extracurricular activity. It's a lot like you going to the gym, and, as I recall, the last time you were there I think the Jeffersons were still trying to move on up.
Philip: That's different. I'm starting back Monday.

Vivian: Okay, here are the files you asked for, sweetheart.
Philip: Thank you. Um, I need a copy of the Richburg merger and find out if we got a continuance on the Seger case.
Vivian: Philip, I am tired of this. You're just lying on your back giving orders, and I'm doing all the work. Why does this seem so familiar?

Vivian: Hi, Will. Where's your uncle?
Will: He's throwing Jazz out the house again.
Vivian: Okay. Here are those poetry books you wanted. I used them in the Freshman Lit class I taught last year. If you have any questions about poetry, just ask me.
Will: Yeah, I have a question. I understand why guys get into poetry. To get girls. But why do girls like poetry?
Vivian: Because girls think with their brains.

Will: Aunt Viv, what are you doing here?
Vivian: What does it look like I'm doing here? I came to get my boy.
Carlton: Mom, I can explain. We were on our way to San Francisco when I realized I had a Sociology report to do...
Vivian: Don't even try, Carlton. Will told me everything. [others groan]
Carlton: It was a bet.
Vivian: A bet? I don't care. Carlton, you are not going to MacArthur Park tonight. In fact, none of you are going to MacArthur Park tonight.
Tiny: Wait a minute.
Vivian: Boy, do not test me.
Tiny: Yes, ma'am.
Vivian: Carlton, Will, get your things. I will be waiting downstairs in the car. And another thing, this place is a disgrace. You have a trashcan, honey. Use it.