Geoffrey: Soy meatloaf, madam?
Vivian: Yes, Geoffrey. I am through serving that fat-filled cholesterol-ridden mess.
Geoffrey: Say what you will, but he is a good provider.

Geoffrey: Your sandwich, sir.
Philip: Thank you, Geoffrey. What is this?
Geoffrey: Tofu and rice cakes. I tried to warn you. Mrs. Banks has run amok.
Philip: Geoffrey. Geoffrey. Now, if you'll go to my office and look in my desk...
Geoffrey: Gone, sir.
Philip: My pimento loaf?
Geoffrey: I'm afraid so, sir.
Philip: But I still have some bologna in the...
Geoffrey: She got that too, sir.

Carlton: And in conclusion, if you follow these steps as I have outlined then I guarantee you'll be successful. [applause] Thank you.
Student #1: You still haven't told us what you do.
Carlton: Well, I was previously in expeditious comestible management. And, um, currently, I'm overseeing a myriad of options.
Student #2: Do you even have a job?
Carlton: Well, strictly speaking, I-
Student #3: He's a bum just like my Uncle Eddie.
Student #4: Excuse me, sir. Are you really a bum?
Carlton: Back off, sister.
Student #1: You got an attitude problem.
Carlton: Damn right I've got attitude. Just wait till you grow up. You'll see how tough it is. There are sharks out there and you're all little guppies waiting to be devoured. Oh, sure, you can lie back in your protective little womb called high school and pretend the world is your oyster. But one day it's gonna turn on you like the rotting milk in your stinking little lunchboxes. Thank you.

Philip: You know, Will my first job was in a law clerk's office. It was the summer of my freshman year in college and I thought I was... [chuckles] all that. Anyway, I spent most of my days making coffee and copying legal documents. And that was before Xerox machines.
Will: Dag. Who was your boss? Mr. Slate? [laughs] He was on The Flintstones.

Werner: Hilary, how you doing?
Hilary: Oh, how does it look like I'm doing? My throat is sore. My eyes are dry. Every bone in my body aches. And my nose is so clogged up I can't even smell my Obsession.

Carlton: I don't mean to brag, but you're looking at the next junior executive at the California International Bank.
Philip: Well, they hired you on the spot, huh, son?
Carlton: Well, they haven't actually hired me yet, but their body language was pretty clear.
Philip: Body language?
Carlton: Sure. They gave me the wink and the gun. You know. [clicks tongue] Well, when they give you the wink and the gun that means: "Hey, you're our man." [clicks tongue]

Hilary: My brain is all clouded. My head's all fogged up. And I can't think straight.
Will: And now you've got a cold on top of it.

Will: Yo, Hil, Mr. Stimple's here to-
Hilary: Well, what do you know? It's Uncle Cousin Will. [laughs] Oh, I feel much better. That was some good tea. I love you.
Will: Hil, Hil, Hil. Hey, come here. Come here. Come here. Wait right here. [screams] "Use only before bedtime. Do not operate heavy machinery."
Hilary: Good thing we're not on a tractor, huh?
Will: [screams]
Hilary: [screams]

Carlton: [answers phone] Carlton Banks' office. Please hold. Carlton Banks here. Oh, yes. The job, of course. Uh-huh. Yes. Huh? But I don't understand. You can't give a guy the wink and the gun and then not give him a job. Buck up? Buck off.

Will: Hey. How you doing? You must be Mr. Stimple. How you doing? I'm Hilary's hair designer, Diante. Pleasure. Oh, why didn't you tell me he had such lustrous hairs? Oh, excuse me. I'm right in the middle of doing girlfriend's hair. She is so excited to meet you. Just later.
Mr. Stimple: Well, I'd kind of like to meet her now. Uh, Hilary, I've never seen the program. Now, do you stand and interview a guest, or do you run all around like Donahue?
Will: Oh, listen. Hilary can do it all. You know, she can stand. She can run. You know, she's like Ricki Lake and Oprah and Donahue all wrapped up in one. Around here we call her, Ricki-Oprah-hue.
Mr. Stimple: Very clever word play, but I'd like to hear what Hilary has to say.
Will: Oh, see, she like real shy. You know, she can't really verbalize with you till she gets to know you. You know what I mean?
Mr. Stimple: Of course. Where's my head? Fred Stimple. Stimple Rubber. Pleasure.
Will: Oh, no, you don't. Honey, it took me an hour to do them nails. You a Leo, ain't you?