Philip: So, Vivian, how were your classes today?
Vivian: Fine. I just wish my students would concentrate more on their work. They're very easily distracted.
Will: I see it every day. Don't you, Hilary?
Hilary: [barks quietly]
Vivian: Did you say something, sweetie?
Hilary: No. [Phil takes a sip of his drink] Will Smith is perfect.
Will: Why, thank you. It's so nice to be appreciated.
Philip: Yes, but perhaps another time. Your mother is trying to say something and I'm sure she would appreciate it if she weren't interrupted again.
Hilary: Sorry.

Vivian: Anyway, as I was saying- [Phil takes another sip]
Hilary: Will Smith is the king of the universe.
Will: Why, thank you.
Vivian: I'd like to finish my story, if that's okay with you, Hilary. [Hilary barks]
Philip: Hilary? [Hilary barks]
Vivian: Look, I know everyone gets a little silly around midterms but not at the dinner table.
Hilary: I'm sorry, Mom. [Carlton taps his glass] Will Smith is the scum of the earth.
Vivian: Hilary!
Hilary: [barks] [Phil takes a drink] However, Will Smith is the pinnacle of manliness. [Carlton clears his throat; Hilary slaps Will upside the head]
Will: Hilary! [Hilary barks; slaps Will again]
Ashley: What's with Hilary? [Hilary barks] [Carlton clears his throat] [Hilary slaps Will again]
Will: Hilary.
Hilary: [barks] [Carlton clears his throat] [slaps Will again]

Will: Yo, G, that was hilarious. Put a Barney Rubble head on, I'd swear it was Flintstones On Ice.
Geoffrey: I'm pleased that I've amused you, Master William. It is the least I can do, given the hours of merriment I have derived from looking at the remarkable way your ears protrude from your head.
Will: [laughs] BWA: Butler With an Attitude.

Will: Did you memorize that list of things I gave you to do at dinner tonight?
Hilary: Yes.
Will: Well, just to be on the safe side, let's have a little pop quiz. Number one: Any time Uncle Phil takes a drink, what do you do?
Hilary: I compliment you.
Will: Yes! Now, did you memorize the list of compliments?
Hilary: Yes.
Will: Okay, very good. Number two: Any time anyone says "Hilary," what do you do?
Hilary: I bark like a dog.
Will: That's right! See you at dinner.
Hilary: Will, if you have an ounce of compassion, you'll let me off the hook.
Will: Yeah, that's a good point. No, we'll do it anyway.

Carlton: Oh, Hilary?
Hilary: Yes?
Carlton: It's dinner time. Did you memorize our list?
Hilary: Yes.
Carlton: Well, let's just review. What do you do when I hit my glass with my spoon?
Hilary: I insult Will.
Carlton: Good. And what do you do when I clear my throat?
Hilary: I smack Will upside the head.
Carlton: Damn it, you're prepared! Let's go!

Hilary: Oh, and this is his latest: He gave me a list of embarrassing things I have to do at dinner tomorrow night.
Carlton: That's awful. Is he making you clean his room?
Hilary: No.
Carlton: Will you clean mine? [smiles]
Hilary: Carlton.
Carlton: I'm sorry, Hilary, but this is too good to be true. Why should Will have all the fun?
Hilary: Why, you little-
Carlton: Dad?
Hilary: I hate you!
Carlton: Be that as it may, I want these debate cards typed by tomorrow morning. Double-spaced.

Carlton: Looks like I am gonna be pulling another all-nighter. I have to get my index cards together for the big debate match next week.
Philip: What's your topic?
Carlton: "When President Bush said he would never raise taxes, was he lying or just kidding?"

Vivian: Okay. You two have fun at the library. [exits]
Hilary: Bye.
Toni: A library? I thought we were going shopping.
Hilary: We are. I was just saying that to her. Come on. [both exit]
Will: [to camera] What's this I hear, Hilary? Lying to Mommy? I feel that revenge is within my reach. This is a job for Sherlock Homeboy. [holds up magnifying glass]

Hilary: I've been thinking. And I decided that I'll do whatever you want me to do to make things better.
Philip: And exactly what would that be?
Hilary: I don't know. Whatever you want me to do.
Philip: Hilary, that's the problem. We've been making all the decisions for you. You're 21 years old. It's time for you to make your own decisions. If you weren't getting anything out of college and you wanted to drop out, you should have told us and not tried to hide it like a kid.
Hilary: But I thought you wanted me to go to college.
Vivian: We want you to go to college when you'll appreciate it. But it's not to make us happy. It's to make something of your life. We just want you to be all you can be.
Hilary: You want me to join the Army?

Will: [rings bell]
Hilary: Yes?
Will: "Yes," what?
Hilary: Yes, Your Highness?
Will: Have you done His Highness' laundry?
Hilary: Yes. [Will stammers] Yes, Your Highness.
Will: Well, you forgot His Highness' overalls, his T-shirt, and of course, his pair of lucky drawers. You're going to want to hand wash these.
Hilary: I am not hand washing your drawers.
Will: Yes, you are. And from now on, you will pronounce the word "draws."