Will: Granny!
Hattie: Oh, sugar! Will, as handsome as ever.
Carlton: Grandma, as generous as ever.
Will: Granny, did you notice how Carlton's grown? He's almost into adult sizes.
Hattie: Well, congratulations, dear.

Will: Well, there's this girl named Tanya, I met her at the mall. She works in a fancy men's store where even the underwear comes from Europe. I don't know if she'd go out with anybody in local drawers.
Hattie: Sets to mind a heifer we once had.
Will: You ain't seen Tanya.
Hattie: You listen up. Now, Petunia had two bulls liking her. One a big strong Angus with a chest as wide as a Chevy.
Will: Oh, that one's me, right?
Hattie: The other one was a slim, handsome Jersey. A real lady's bull.
Will: Ah, word to Granny. That one's me, right?
Hattie: Now, all season long, Petunia just couldn't decide. So come fall, she ups and picks the Angus. See?
Will: No.
Hattie: Why, by then, breeding season was over.
Will: Maybe if you changed it to cats or something.

Hilary: What is that smell?
Hattie: Watch your step. The floor is wet.
Philip: Mother, what are you doing?
Hattie: I'm picking apples from a cherry tree. What does it look like I'm doing? I'm giving your floor a good hand scrubbing.
Vivian: That's Geoffrey's job.
Hattie: No, it ain't.
Geoffrey: [enters] I have begun the mulch pile, madam.
Hattie: Fine, Geoffrey, I'll be out to look at it directly, right after I flip the mattresses.
Philip: Hold on, Mama. Geoffrey?
Geoffrey: Sorry, sir, but she threatened me with a whupping.

Will: Yo, DJ Granny. What's going on?
Hattie: Nothing. And your uncle aims to keep it that way. Oh, I know he means well but a body has to feel useful.
Will: Useful? You know that girlie advice you gave me? It worked like a charm.
Hattie: Really?
Will: I don't remember it exactly but I just walked up to her and said: "Hey, Tanya. Bulls and cows need to get together before it starts snowing."
Hattie: And she understood that?
Will: No, but she liked my hair.

Vivian: I don't understand. Where would they be at this hour?
Carlton: The Heavy D concert. I accidentally overheard Will on the phone when I was trying to clean my receiver.
Philip: Will probably dragged my mother with him. I'm going down there.
Carlton: I'm going with you, Dad. It's a rap concert. You want to be with someone who knows how to be hip.

Hattie: Don't go giving me that look, Zeke. That's the same look you give me at the county fair when I wouldn't let you climb up the greasy pole. Now, you're not all that mad with me, are you?
Philip: Well, Mama, yes, I am. I try to set some rules down for Will and you undermined my authority. I know how to handle things. I am an adult.
Hattie: I am, too, Zeke.
Philip: I know that.
Hattie: Do you? How many adults do you tell to take a nap?
Philip: Mama, I was just worried about you.
Hattie: But I'm fine, baby.
Philip: I know. When you had the flu and I talked to you on the phone, you sounded so small. I just want you to live a long time.
Hattie: Then, Zeke, let me live.

Will: I'm telling you, Ashley, it's the perfect thing for Granny's visit. Look, we enter here, we go past the llamas and giraffes, take a look at the monkey house and then end with a ride on the Ferris wheel.
Ashley: Will, for the last time we are not breaking into Michael Jackson's house.

Carlton: [to Hattie] So it turned out I did get an "A" in my English mid-term and the A minus was in Math. What a crazy week that was. So anyway, that takes us up to the spring quarter. That's when l-
Philip: Worked hard, got good grades, made the honor roll, the end.

Will: Hey, Granny, I've been looking through the guidebooks I found an attraction with your name written all over it.
Hattie: What's that, honey?
Will: Raging Waters.
Philip: Are you insane?
Carlton: It's a little late to be asking.

Philip: Grandma's here to rest and recuperate. She's just gotten over the flu.
Hattie: I told you it was a cold.
Philip: What did the doctor say?
Hattie: Us country folks don't run to the doctor at every sneeze, sniffle, or broken bone. We are not the spendthrifts you are, Zeke.
Will: Zeke. That one always kills me. Granny, I love when you come to visit. Did you bring the picture of him and the goat? [Phil sighs]
Hattie: Never leave home without it.
Will: [laughs] Oh, yes, sir, I'll be getting a frame for this one.