Vivian: Look, there he goes.
Trevor: [on TV] Hilary Banks...
Hilary: Yes, Trevor?
Trevor: [on TV] Will you marry me? [thud]
[As the TV picture turns to static, the family are stunned into silence]
Will: I ain't no bungee expert or nothing... But I don't think he's supposed to be slamming into the ground like that.
[A title card appears on the TV]
Hilary: "Please stand by"? Great. The president's about to interrupt my marriage proposal.

Hilary: The coffee commercial went great. First, I take a big sip of coffee, then I say: Hi, I'm Hilary Banks, TV weather girl. When I don't have my head in the clouds I like to relax with a nice hot cup of Casual Cup coffee. So rich and fine, tastes just like you ground the beans yourself. Well, the first take, I said, " Tastes just like you found the beans yourself." We did it again, I said, "When I don't have my head in the crowds." So I did it again, and-
Will: Hilary. Hilary, how many takes did you do?
Hilary: Only 41. You think that would tire me out, but I'm more awake now than when I started.
Will: Stupid question, did you forget to spit after each take?
Hilary: Why would I want to spit it out? I'm nuts about coffee. Although, it's not made from nuts, it's from beans, so I guess I'm beans about coffee.
Will: Oh, gee, I'd love to stay and continue this fascinating monologue, but I have to get some studying done.
Hilary: You know, I've always wondered, if coffee's made from beans does that make it a vegetable?
Will: Why are you following me? Listen, don't you have to go to work in the morning? Shouldn't you go get some sleep?
Hilary: Oh, I'd love to go to sleep, but I can't. I'm wide awake. See? Wee!
Will: Why don't you try doing something boring like reading the dictionary? Do you have one?
Hilary: Of course, I do. What do you think is propping up my makeup table?

Hilary: I can't stand this. Everyone has a date except me.
Will: What's the problem, Hil? I mean, come on. You're pretty, you're fun, you're intelli- Vision.
Hilary: Well, that's exactly the problem. I'm a celebrity and men are intimidated by me. I'm a beautiful woman trapped in an even more beautiful woman's body.

Ashley: Maybe Daddy's password is some kind of food.
Carlton: Look, I tried every dish in Geoffrey's cookbook, nothing works.
Hilary: Unbelievable. What kind of idiot picks a password no one can guess?
Carlton: See, it's that kind of question that knocks you out of the running... for Dad's favorite. Just keep a lookout.

Philip: So, Vivian, how were your classes today?
Vivian: Fine. I just wish my students would concentrate more on their work. They're very easily distracted.
Will: I see it every day. Don't you, Hilary?
Hilary: [barks quietly]
Vivian: Did you say something, sweetie?
Hilary: No. [Phil takes a sip of his drink] Will Smith is perfect.
Will: Why, thank you. It's so nice to be appreciated.
Philip: Yes, but perhaps another time. Your mother is trying to say something and I'm sure she would appreciate it if she weren't interrupted again.
Hilary: Sorry.

Vivian: Anyway, as I was saying- [Phil takes another sip]
Hilary: Will Smith is the king of the universe.
Will: Why, thank you.
Vivian: I'd like to finish my story, if that's okay with you, Hilary. [Hilary barks]
Philip: Hilary? [Hilary barks]
Vivian: Look, I know everyone gets a little silly around midterms but not at the dinner table.
Hilary: I'm sorry, Mom. [Carlton taps his glass] Will Smith is the scum of the earth.
Vivian: Hilary!
Hilary: [barks] [Phil takes a drink] However, Will Smith is the pinnacle of manliness. [Carlton clears his throat; Hilary slaps Will upside the head]
Will: Hilary! [Hilary barks; slaps Will again]
Ashley: What's with Hilary? [Hilary barks] [Carlton clears his throat] [Hilary slaps Will again]
Will: Hilary.
Hilary: [barks] [Carlton clears his throat] [slaps Will again]

Hilary: Well, here goes. Don't you all feel like a part of history? [opens paycheck] What? Federal taxes? This is an outrage. Didn't President Bush say, "No new taxes"?
Geoffrey: But federal taxes aren't new.
Hilary: Well, they are to me. And who is this FICA guy?
Vivian: Hilary, baby, taxes are taken out of everybody's salary. They pay for highways, national defense, and housing programs.
Hilary: I thought the government was supposed to pay for all that.

Hilary: I'm sorry I was late, Alec. I came straight from court. I was arrested during a free-Mandela rally.
Alec: Mandela was freed two years ago.
Hilary: And l, for one, want to make sure he stays that way. Say, why don't you come over for dinner again tonight and we can discuss how to keep the guy out of jail?

Hilary: Daddy, I have the greatest idea. If I watch the weather in New York I'll have a three-hour jump on the competition.
Philip: Honey, that might not work every time.
Philip: Listen, when you drove to work today you didn't by any chance go down Sunset Boulevard, did you?
Hilary: Oh, I couldn't. It was backed up for miles. And everyone was honking like it was New Year's Eve. "Chance of snow and a minus three wind chill." Well, my work is done. I'm going shopping.
Philip: Sweetheart, I've thought it over, you know, and you're right. I'm gonna put an end this newsletter business. In fact, I'm gonna head down to the law library and get right to work.
Hilary: Thank you, Daddy. Now, dress warm, it's gonna snow.

Philip: So I'm at an anti-war rally getting ready to burn my draft card and Janice offers me a light.
Hilary: I am so against war. I mean, there's death and destruction... and they preempt your favorite programs. I remember during Desert Storm, trying to find Knots Landing...