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‘Father Knows Best’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Father Knows Best

507. Father Knows Best

Aired October 24, 1994

After Will finds out that Ashley has switched schools without her parents' knowledge, he pretends to be Ashley's father to meet her teacher, Miss Sharpe (Renée Jones).

Quote from Will

Miss Sharpe: Well, will Mrs. Banks be joining us?
Will: Uh, no, I'm single. I mean, um, Ashley's mother ran out on us. Ashley was but a mere tyke at the time. I had to be both Mommy and Daddy. We went from training wheels to training bras. They both came off too soon, didn't they, kitten?

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Quote from Will

Ashley: Okay. Mom, Dad, it's like this. Will has something he wants to tell you.
Will: I ain't got nothing. Um... Your Honor, uh... Now, before you deliver your verdict, the defense dictates that you sustain the motion of the ocean. Because most parents want the truth, but they can't handle the truth. So in conclusion, I move for a change of venue. What you say you give us a half-hour head start.

Quote from Philip

Vivian: Philip, I'm sure the mayor's mother meant it as a compliment.
Philip: Oh, really? Then I should be honored that she thinks I look like a Black Alfred Hitchcock. Hi kids.
Will: [as Hitchcock] Good evening.

Quote from Hilary

Hilary: Will, I don't get it. My producer told me that I'm losing my Black audience.
Will: I don't see why, Hil. I mean, you got the best talk show on TV.
Hilary: You really think so? Well, what was your favorite topic?
Will: Uh... Uh, the one with the, uh... Dysfunctional, uh, single parent, uh, gang member nuns. Hil, I've never actually seen one of your shows.
Hilary: Will.
Will: Look, listen, Hilary, I'm sorry. You need to do some stuff that reaches out to your brothers and sisters.
Hilary: Why? What have Carlton and Ashley ever done for me?

Quote from Ashley

Ashley: Will, I need your help.
Will: Ashley, let me sum this up for you in two words: Unh-unh.
Ashley: You know, I didn't want to have to say this. But it's your fault I'm in this mess.
Will: My fault? Oh, this one here gonna be good.
Ashley: Before you showed up, I was leading a nice, sheltered existence. But you made me see there was a whole world beyond Bel-Air filled with people who take public transportation and don't have butlers. I like that world. It's like a drug, Will, and you got me hooked.
Will: Well, you better go cold turkey before you wind up a dead duck.

Quote from Will

Will: Mm. How could something so smooth be called sharp?
Miss Sharpe: Yes. Well, nice to finally meet you, Mr. Banks.
Will: Rhaul, please.
Miss Sharpe: [giggles] Rhaul. Oh, and welcome back from the Orient. Konnichi wa.
Will: God bless you, Miss Sharpe. It is Miss Sharpe, isn't it?
Miss Sharpe: Yes, it is.
Will: Mm. You're a fine teacher, Miss Sharpe. Hey, I bet you could teach me a thing or two... [Ashley pokes Will] On the academic side, I mean.

Quote from Geoffrey

Geoffrey: Mail call. Wall Street Journal for Master Carlton.
Carlton: Thank you, Geoffrey.
Geoffrey: A statement from The Bank of Bel-Air for Miss Ashley. And a plain brown package for me. I'll be taking my break now.

Quote from Will

Carlton: Bank of Bel-Air?
Ashley: Yeah. Well, bye. [exits]
Will: See you later, Ash.
Carlton: Something's afoot.
Will: And something's a foot and a half. [looks Carlton up and down]

Quote from Will

Carlton: I'm talking about Ashley. I know where every penny of this family's money is. And none of it is in the Bank of Bel-Air.
Will: So?
Carlton: So, obviously, Ashley's hoarding money. And I know why. She's amassing a private fortune so she can buy out the family business in a hostile takeover.
Will: A sweater and a string of pearls and you'd be Angela Lansbury.

Quote from Ashley

Ashley: Will, you don't understand. Everything's so fake at Bel-Air Academy. The teachers, the kids, the noses. I can't take it anymore. Please don't tell Daddy.
Will: [sighs] All right, I ain't gonna dime you but if he subpoenas me, I'm gonna be singing like Luther.

Quote from Will

Ashley: You just had to go back. We were out the door, Will. We were free. Free!
Will: Look, ease up, Miss Tubman. You know, Miss Sharpe gave us the weekend to break it to Uncle Phil. Now, let's go over this evil twin story again.

Quote from Will

Will: Ashley, what are you doing?
Ashley: Changing for school. See, um... Today is, uh, casual day.
Will: Well, uh, that sounds like the, uh, truth.
Ashley: Actually, Will, I've been keeping a secret. And if I don't tell someone, I'm gonna explode.
Will: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't tell me. If I know, I can't say I don't know when you get busted and Uncle Phil start rounding up the usual suspects. And I am the usual suspects.

Quote from Will

Will: Whoa, if it isn't Belly D. Williams. I'm just kidding. Just kidding. You look great. Where you all going?
Philip: Oh, fundraiser at the museum. Boy, do I hate these things.
Vivian: Then why agree to be on the Board of Trustees?
Philip: Well, I'm a judge and judges are supposed to be on boards.
Will: Well, it's just that with you, it's usually a smorgasbord.

Quote from Ashley

Will: Ashley, no. Now, I'm sorry that you got yourself into this little predicament. But trying to blame it on me, now, that's just low.
Ashley: You're right. I can't believe I said that. You've always been so good to me. I'm just so desperate. I'm a terrible, terrible person. [sobbing]
Will: No No, no. Look, don't cry, Ashley. Come on. Come on, all right. We'll figure a way out of this, all right?
Ashley: Thanks, Will. You're a saint. [Ashley smiles and flicks her hair as she walks away]
Will: Wait. What was that?
Ashley: What?
Will: You smiled. I saw your reflection in the window.
Ashley: Oh, no. That was a happy smile. See?
Will: I don't believe I fell for them crocodile tears. Girl, you're on your own.
Ashley: All right, fine! Be that way! But if I go down, I'm taking you with me.
Will: Ashley. I didn't do nothing.

Quote from Will

Ashley: [sighs] It's a miracle this whole thing worked.
Will: What you talking about, girl? Denzel ain't the only brother than can act.
Ashley: Well, at least this buys me some time before I have to break the news to Daddy. Well, I have to get my history books. You stay right here, Rhaul.
Will: I made that up.

Quote from Will

Miss Sharpe: Mr. Banks, did you forget something?
Will: Uh, you know, I'm glad you asked. I, uh, forgot to give you the number to my direct line.
Miss Sharpe: Look, I'm very flattered, but-
Will: You know that is an absolutely intoxicating fragrance that you're wearing.
Miss Sharpe: Uh... Come closer.
Will: Hey.
Miss Sharpe: That's a fake mustache.
Will: No, it's not.
Miss Sharpe: [rips it off] Yes, it is.
Will: No, it's not.
Miss Sharpe: Look, I don't know who you are, but I'm calling your real parents right now.
Ashley: Will?
Will: No, it's not.
Ashley: Miss Sharpe.
Will: It's not.

Quote from Philip

Philip: What the hell are you talking about?
Ashley: Daddy, I withdrew from Bel-Air Academy six weeks ago and transferred to Morris High. [Will ducks behind a couch]
Vivian: You what?
Philip: I'm not mad.
Will: You're not? And you thought he was gonna be mad.
Philip: Well, you transferred out, you'll transfer back. Tomorrow, when I wake up, Ashley will be back in Bel-Air Academy and maybe Will won't even be here.
Ashley: Daddy, I'm not going back. [Will ducks again]
Philip: Now I'm mad.

Quote from Hilary

Ashley: Daddy, Will made me realize how limited my life has been. I wanna be with real people with real concerns.
Philip: Oh, and people in Bel-Air don't have real concerns?
Carlton: It's pronounced Porsche.
Hilary: Porsche.
Carlton: Porsche.
Hilary: Porsche.

Quote from Hilary

Hilary: Good morning, everyone.
Will: Hey, Hil. So, what's today's Black topic? Amish rap stars?
Hilary: I'm through chasing one specific demographic. Thanks to my leopard skin midriff top, I hit an all-time high with male viewers. I got more men yesterday than Sally Jesse Raphael gets in a year.
Will: How hard could that be?

Quote from Will

Ashley: I dropped out of Bel-Air Academy and I've been going to public school since the beginning of the semester.
Will: I didn't hear that.
Ashley: I said I dropped out.
Will: I heard what you said, Ashley. Ash, what are you? How can you do that?
Ashley: It was easy. I forged all the papers, took Daddy's tuition money and put it in an interest-bearing account. Pretty good, huh?
Will: You're tripping? No, no- No, no. You're worse than tripping. You've fallen and you can't get up. And he will find out. And when he does, he's going to ground you into dust.

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