Lisa: What was that all about?
Will: Nothing. Jazz just messing with me. Talking about I don't know my baby. Like how much you love sweet potato pie.
Lisa: Baby, I hate sweet potato pie.
Will: You playing, right, girl? You so silly. No, next you gonna be telling me you ain't love Shaft in Africa.
Lisa: I don't.
Will: You sat through it like nine times.
Lisa: For you, baby. But personally, I think the guy's a lowlife slug whose whole sexual identity is an extension of his big, stupid gun.
Will: Anything else?
Lisa: I think he's gay.
Will: Ah! Ah!

Will: Mamma, no!
Vy: Will.
Will: [screams]
Vy: Will.
Will: [sobbing] You, him, here. Oh, I need a moment. I'm an adult. I can handle this. I'm okay. Mamma, no!
Fred: Will, will you keep it down?
Will: I'm not ready to talk to you yet, young man.

Will: What are you doing here already?
Vivian: She wanted to come a day early to surprise you.
Vy: But my flight was a disaster. When I changed planes in Cleveland, they sat me next to this loudmouth chunky butt who fell asleep on my shoulder. Then when I tried to move him, he had the nerve to call me a battleaxe and say I stole his blanket.
Vy & Fred: [in unison] You!
Will: Hey, hey. Chunky butt, meet battleaxe. Battleaxe, chunky butt.

Will: So did pops-in-law settle in yet?
Lisa: Yes, he did. Baby, do you think that my dad is gonna get along with your mom?
Will: I don't know. Can he take a punch? [laughs] I'm kidding, I'm kidding. No, seriously, can he?

Ashley: I don't care what you say, Hilary. I am not wearing this disgusting bridesmaid's dress.
Hilary: Oh, but, Ashley, you look adorable. Right, Will?
Will: Oh, yeah. You look like a chocolate-flavored Pepto-Bismol.
Ashley: That settles it. I am not wearing this dress unless I can have a matching bag.
Hilary: No problem.
Ashley: To put over my head.

Will: Okay. Come on, Ike and Tina, let's go. All right. Now, listen. You guys go ahead to the restaurant you hold the table. Lisa and I will catch up in a minute. And, Mom, could you try to be nice?
Vy: I always am, dear. [to Fred] Okay, tubby, tuck in your gut, we're going downtown.
Will: In Philly, "tubby" mean cute bald man.
Fred: Just don't be late. You might find her face-down in the crab cake.

Will: Oh, man. You took your gold tooth out. What's the occasion?
Jazz: The wife and I are split up. Inconsolable differences.
Will: Oh, Jazz. I'm sorry, man. What happened?
Jazz: Marriage, my brother. I mean, the minute the ring went on, the mask came off. And so did the weave.
I realized I married a perfect stranger. And tomorrow it'll happen to you too.
Will: Oh, no, man, trust. I know the woman I'm about to marry.
Jazz: That's what I thought. Soon after, I realized I didn't know Hortense at all.
Will: Hortense? Jazz, I thought her name was Jewel.
Jazz: Just one of her many lies. Man, I found out she slept with every guy in my building.
Will: She had sex with all of them?
Jazz: She did? Man, it just gets worse and worse.

Will: Jazz, I'm real sorry about you and Hortense but trust me, I know my woman. Better than I know the back of my own hand. What the hell is that?

Lisa: Will, what is wrong with you?
Will: One more thing. Your name is Lisa, isn't it?
Lisa: Well, it is now. I just couldn't go through life hearing people say, "Hey, Beula."

Vivian: What happened? I heard screaming.
Carlton: What's this, a pajama party? Hey, scooch over.
Hilary: What is going on? Ew.
Ashley: Hey.
Will: Okay, that's it. Everybody out. Everybody out. Right now.
Philip: Move it, Ashley.
Will: Okay, Mom, I just wanna say that I am hurt. And I don't think that mothers are supposed to do what... Oh, my God, I just got a mental picture! Get out! Get out!