Carlton: Hey, G, would you make me a sandwich?
Geoffrey: But, of course. [puts a slice of bread on Carlton's head] Now you're a sandwich.
Will: You can take it off your head. Uh, G, something wrong?
Geoffrey: You swindled me. I was planning to use that money on lottery tickets. The jackpot's up to $26,000,000.
Carlton: Wow! Could you imagine what life would be like with all that money? Buying whatever you want, driving fancy cars, dining in fancy restaurants. Wait a second, that is what life is like.

Geoffrey: Well, if you're so confident in my lack of ability perhaps you'd like to make a little wager. Say, $30?
Will: Done.
Contestant: [on TV] Vietnam for $200.
Quiz Show Host: [on TV] You drew the wild card.
Carlton: What do you say, Geoffrey? Want to double your bet?
Geoffrey: Well, it is an awful lot of money but, what the hell.
Quiz Show Host: And the question is... "Who is the South Vietnamese president killed by his own generals in 1963?" [Will & Carlton laugh]
Geoffrey: Ngo Dinh Diem.
Quiz Show Host: [on TV] [buzzer] No guesses? The correct answer is Ngo Dinh Diem.
Geoffrey: [chuckles] Splendid. [exits]
Will: I say we call Immigration.

Quiz Show Host: [on TV] The category is Greek History. And the final Brainstorm question is. "What Bronze Age civilization emerged about 2500 BC?"
Hilary: Oh, I know, the Minoan civilization.
Contestant: [on TV] The Minoan civilization?
Quiz Show Host: [on TV] Correct.
Will: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold up, hold up. Time out. Flag on the plate, traveling, offsides, clipping. Hold up, wait a minute. What's up with this here?
Carlton: Hilary, how'd you know that?
Hilary: Easy, Geoffrey's been watching that tape all day.
Geoffrey: Well, I'm off to the store. When you're through, do turn off the VCR and return that tape of Brainstorm to my room. Oh, and might I add, ha ha! And, ha!

Phillipe: What is going here?
Will: Should I tell him? Or do you want to, Dad?
Phillipe: This is your son?
Geoffrey: Of course not.
Will: Is it our fault you never married Mom? I know she embarrassed you. She only had one arm and when you would go to concerts, she clapped like this.
Geoffrey: Surely, you don't believe this.
Carlton: Daddy, you're ashamed of us?
Will: This is my brother, Carlton. He knows we can't afford any bigger clothes so he just doesn't grow.
Carlton: Daddy, I want to grow.
Will: He's never even been on a roller coaster for God's sakes.

Philip: You two have pulled some pranks in your day but this one, this one takes the cake. [chuckles]
Will: He's about to blow, man. Make a break for the front door. I'll cover you.
Philip: So.
Will & Carlton: So.
Philip: Tell me, if you were me, what would you do?
Will: Um... I don't know, forget the whole thing and get us a couple Jet Skis.
Philip: [laughs] I like that. Look, you big-eared freeloader, you take the little, square-headed cousin here and you find Geoffrey and you bring him back or they'll never find your bodies. And, I'm a judge. I can make it happen.
Will: You know, really, I don't mind the yelling. But does he have to spit?

Hilary: Is this Brainstorm? How sad. Some people will do anything for money. I mean, why don't they just ask their fathers?

Will: Okay, G, listen, listen.
Geoffrey: Philip I have $1,000 with your name on it. Do the family a favor, get Viv some cooking lessons.
Philip: You!
Geoffrey: And, Miss Ashley, how does a Mercedes sound?
Ashley: Vroom, vroom?
Geoffrey: Very clever, I'll get you two.
Hilary: Vroom, vroom, vroom.
Geoffrey: Nice try. In case you hadn't figured it out... I quit. I quit. I quit! I quit! I quit!

Carlton: Geoffrey, you remember when you came to us and you had no money and nowhere to go?
Geoffrey: [laughs] Yes!
Carlton: Well, some things never change.
Geoffrey: Am I missing something?
Will: Yeah, about $26,000,000.
Carlton: Will did it.
Geoffrey: Did what?
Will: We tricked you into thinking you won, G. What you just watched was a tape of last week's lottery numbers.
Geoffrey: [laughs] How clever. You used my own ruse against me. How I admire you. [jumps Will] Die!
Carlton: Geoffrey, you're killing him.
Geoffrey: You catch on quickly, you little twit.

Carlton: Look, I don't think it's going to work, Will.
Will: Keep hope alive. [to Philippe] Hey, my man! Look, check it out, me and my partner, here, we need a table preferably by the window. Now.
Phillipe: [French accent] Who are you?
Will: [imitating the accent] Who am I? You hear, who am I? I'm a Black man with a short fuse.

Quiz Show Host: [on TV] The question is, "What is the motto of The Three Musketeers?"
Geoffrey: That's an easy one. "Creamy on the inside, smooth on the outside."
Contestant: [on TV] "All for one and one for all!"
Quiz Show Host: [on TV] Right again.
Will: I can't believe you missed that one, G.
Carlton: Yeah, even Will could have guessed that one and the only thing he reads is the cereal box.
Will: Yeah, well, at least I don't fit in one.