‘Ill Will’
Season 2, Episode 18 - Aired February 10, 1992
Will must face his fear of hospitals when he needs his tonsils taking out. Meanwhile, Geoffrey writes a memoir of his time working for the Banks family. [Milton Berle guest stars]
Quote from Will
Vivian: Hello. I'm Vivian Banks. I believe my nephew, Will Smith has been assigned to this room.
Nurse Petty: Smith? Oh, yes. Tonsillectomy, tomorrow morning. All righty. And where is our brave little soldier?
Will: I keep telling you, I ain't sick. I'm not sick.
Vivian: Sweetheart, now you know what Dr. Bennett said. Those tonsils have just got to come out. Now there's no reason to be afraid.
Will: Oh, who are you kidding? Why do you think they wear masks? So they can't be identified. And why do you think they knock you out? So you don't see them drinking margaritas over your open stomach.
Quote from Hilary
Hilary: Sorry I'm late. I had to stop by the gift shop.
Will: Hey, thanks a lot, Hil, that's real nice.
Hilary: Well, sometimes a girl just has to treat herself.
Quote from Will
Nurse Bonnie: Doctor, the patient in 214 is not responding to the medication. What should I do?
Will: Um... Well, Nurse, I'd run a KGB and an NAACP. If he still doesn't respond give him an upper Gl Joe.
Nurse Bonnie: I've got to get my real estate license.
Will: [over the PA] Oh. 1-Adam-12, 1-Adam-12. Uh, they got some free ice cream and cake in the cafeteria.
Quote from Carlton
Carlton: Will, this might be a good time for you to put your John Hancock on this.
Will: "l, Will Smith, being of sound mind, do hereby bequeath." Yo, what the hell is this?
Carlton: It's your peace of mind, my friend. Let's say you die. Do you want just anyone to get their hands on that $323 and 15 cents you have hidden under your LL Cool J hat?
Will: I ain't think about it like that. Can I see that, Carlton?
Carlton: Sure, Will. [Will hits Carlton over the head with the document]
Quote from Will
Will: Aunt Viv, I need a nighttime sniffling, sneezing fallen and I can't get up medicine.
Vivian: Will, you are burning up. Philip, he really is sick. Baby, is it your throat again?
Philip: Oh, Vivian, don't let that boy con you. There's absolutely nothing wrong with- [Will opens his mouth for Philip to see] Yuck!
Vivian: Baby, now, you know what the doctor said. One more throat infection and those tonsils have just got to come out.
Will: Whoa, I'm all better. It's a miracle. [sings] I got no more fever I got no more fever... Aunt Viv?
Vivian: Yes?
Will: Catch me.
Quote from Geoffrey
Cedric: Well, here they are. Hot off the presses. Move over, Kitty Kelly. Cedric has arrived.
Philip: "Through the Keyhole: Memoirs of an Embittered Butler."
Cedric: Check this out. Is it Cedric, or is it Patrick Swayze?
Carlton: Excuse me, but writing a sordid, steamy, expos about the Randolph family is darned offensive, and we won't have anything to do with that smut.
Vivian: Oh, get real.
Cedric: May I recommend Chapter 7? Mr. and Mrs. Randolph found it particularly humiliating.
Philip: Geoffrey, this book is dedicated to you.
Cedric: But of course. It was Geoffrey who gave me the idea in the first place. By the way, how are your memoirs coming along, old boy?
Geoffrey: [clears throat] Allow me to see you out, Aunt Blabby.
Quote from Will
Dr. Baylor: Will Smith?
Will: Yeah.
Dr. Baylor: I'll be performing your surgery.
Will: Whoa. No, you won't, man. I want my regular doctor. When can I see Dr. Bennett?
Dr. Baylor: In five-to-10 years. Oh, come on, relax. I'm Dr. Baylor and I'm eminently qualified to perform this operation. Where are my glasses? Oh, hell. Nurse, did they close up Miss Henderson yet? Never mind. Never mind. But check my locker for my beeper, will you? All right, Mr. Smith, open your mouth.
Will: Yo, my man, your beeper ain't in here.
Dr. Baylor: Oh, come on, let me look at those tonsils. Well, so much for golf tomorrow.
Will: Hey, Doc, y'all just gonna take the tonsils, right?
Dr. Baylor: Hey, I got big plans for everything else.
Will: Trust me. You're in the hands of a capable doctor. [goes into the bathroom] I've got to find those glasses.
Will: God please don't let me leave here with breasts.
Quote from Will
Will: Max!
Max: Yeah, what?
Will: What do you think of the rap tape?
Max: Rap tape? Sounded like an auction. Kreplach?
Will: Yo, man, what'd you call me?
Max: Kreplach. It's a dumpling. Hey, have a nosh.
Will: Yo. Hey, Max? Let me ask you something. You all cooped up in this hospital. Why are you so happy about it?
Max: Look, kid, I'm 83 years old. Inside I feel like I'm just as young as you. The difference is, you think you're immortal. Me, I know better. I don't have to waste time feeling sorry for myself. You know what I mean?
Will: You know, you're really something, Max.
Max: Please, don't make me cry. I can't spare the fluid.
Quote from Will
[fantasy:]
Doctor Dré: Yo, Will Smith, man, my main patient. What's up, homey?
Will: Doctor Dré?
Doctor Dré: Yo, man, what's happening, man? Yo, this next LP, man, has got your name written all over it. All over it. All over it, homey. You know what it's called?
Will: No.
Doctor Dré: Yo man, it's called Death Certificate, man. Yo, man, are you ready for some dope cuts?
Will: No!
Quote from Will
[fantasy:]
Dr. Harding: Confounded! Everywhere I go, I hear the same damn music. That'll be all now, Nurse.
Will: Whoa, wait a minute, man, you ain't no doctor.
Dr. Baylor: No, but I play one on TV.
Will: Yeah, you that dude from the soap opera. Hey, didn't you just die in a car crash?
Dr. Harding: Oh, no, no, no. Right now I'm hanging precariously on the edge of a cliff and I intend to stay there until they put a window in my dressing room. Now, let's get busy with that brain transplant, shall we?
Will: Whoa, whoa, man. I'm just getting my tonsils out.
Dr. Harding: Tonsils don't get ratings, young man. One of us will be right back, right after this commercial.