Will: Uh... Hello. I said I'll take him, Uncle Phil.
Philip: Carlton.
Carlton: Got a class.
Will: Uh, Will Smith's in the house. Hello.
Philip: Geoffrey?
Geoffrey: Certainly, sir. I'll just have to make this triple fudge bundt cake tomorrow.
Philip: Mm.
Philip & Will: [in unison] Geoffrey's out.

Carlton: All right, suppose they ask you why you wanna go to their school. What do you tell them?
Nicky: I don't know.
Carlton: Of course you do. You say, "I think this school has a nurturing environment which will best realize my education potential."
Will: Or you could say, "In two years, I'll be bigger than you."

Will: Now I know what Uncle Phil must feel like in a Miata.

Will: Well, wait till y'all see what Nicky made. Shoot, it's... Uh... This... This is a...
Penny: It looks like a rock.
Will: This is that mountain from Hawaii, Mount Kichikichiyayadada.

Philip: Do whatever you want. Just be sure you're back here promptly at 8. We're going to show those people from Considine that we're a warm, caring loving family or I'm going to kill you.
Will: Oh, come on, Uncle Phil, hasn't there been enough Black-on-Black violence? [off Uncle Phil's look] Man, I will see you at 8.

Vivian: Philip, this is ridiculous. I hate pretending to be something we're not.
Philip: Oh. Well, fine, Vivian, so Nicky doesn't get into a good school this year. He can stay home with Will watching Power Rangers and making himself dizzy.

Mr. Spiegel: Oh, the World of Discovery series. This one is marvelous. The Ant, Nature's Busiest Worker.
Hilary: Oh, yes. Ants are extremely intelligent. I still can't believe they run their own farms. [laughs]

Philip: Well, that hypnotist certainly can put on a show.
Will: Yeah, I'm just glad he unhypnotized me. Too bad we got stuck behind that ice cream truck on the way there.
Carlton: Yeah, those bells turned you into a raving maniac.
Philip: Hey, I missed dinner, okay?

Will: Look, Carlton, for the last time, no. I do not want a hypnotist at my bachelor party.
Carlton: But, Will, you don't know how incredibly cool it is.
Will: I don't want cool, fool. I want something simple. Just me and my boys barking like seals at naked women. [barking]
Carlton: But, Will, that's so politically incorrect. No one likes naked women anymore, believe me.
Will: Tell me again, why did I make you my best man?
Carlton: You said I'm like the brother you never had.
Will: No, no, I said you like the brother I never wanted.
Carlton: Look, Will, I put a lot of thought into this. The least you can do is keep an open mind.
Will: [sighs] All right, all right, fine. Maybe there is something to this hypnotism stuff. You are getting shorter. When you wake up, you will be very, very short. Damn, see, that stuff does work.

Vivian: Philip, here are the directions to the Crescent Rock School. Now, you have to have Nicky there for his interview by 10 a.m.
Philip: Wait, that interview was today?
Vivian: Philip, don't tell me you-
Philip: Well, uh... Uh...
Will: Hmm. Distant drums say man with giant pants forget important interview.