Carlton: My life is over. I'll be expelled. They'll send me away. I'll have to get a Jheri curl and a tattoo. I'll be subjected to over-crowding, bad food and daily threats of personal violence.
Will: Carlton, I don't think they'll send you to prison for cheating on a test.
Carlton: I'm not talking about prison. I'm talking about public school.

Philip: In light of your exemplary service over this past year, I'd like to offer you an additional $20 a week.
Geoffrey: I'm sorry? I thought you said $20 per week.
Philip: I did.
Geoffrey: Very well. Dinner at 7:00 as usual, sir? [Vivian pinches Phil's arm]
Philip: Ow. Of course that's not all, Geoffrey.
Geoffrey: Of course not, sir. I really didn't think so.
Philip: Why don't you treat yourself to a new uniform, on me.
Geoffrey: Thank you, sir, you're most kind. And with my newfound wealth... I can treat myself to a Happy Meal.

Hilary: Carlton, will you quit?
Carlton: Quit: from the Latin, quietare, to be at rest or satisfied.
Hilary: He's been doing this all morning. It's really irritating.
Carlton: Irritate: from the Latin, irritare, to excite or stimulate.
Vivian: Okay, Carlton, that's enough.
Philip: Vivian, his PSATs are this morning. He's just trying to be prepared.
Carlton: Prepare: from the Latin, praeparare, to make ready.
Philip: Carlton, shut up.
Hilary: Shut up: from the big guy, your father.

Vivian: Geoffrey, since you quit, Philip and I have been doing a lot of talking-
Geoffrey: I might as well tell you right now I won't come back for a penny less than $80 more per week.
Vivian: We'll give you $100 a week.
Geoffrey: Oh, thank you. That's most generous. But there is one more thing.
Vivian: Oh, of course there would be some perks, Geoffrey. An extra week's vacation, alternate weekends off, two nights a week off, and extra help for parties.
Geoffrey: Thank you. But that wasn't it.
Hilary: What do you want? A car? A StairMaster? A fax machine? What?
Philip: I think I know what it is that Geoffrey wants and he deserves it. Geoffrey, I apologize for taking you for granted.
Geoffrey: Thank you, sir. That's all I require. Unless you'd be willing to consider a full-time cook? Preferably Jamaican, with an incredible set of... cookware.
Vivian: You're pushing it, Geoffrey.
Geoffrey: It was worth a try. I'll get my things.

Philip: Vivian, Hilary's going to fix us a lovely meal.
Hilary: Well, Mama Celeste and Uncle Ben do deserve some credit.

Will: Now, look, Carlton, there's a lot of things that you do better than me.
Carlton: Like what?
Will: I don't know, Carlton, you get straight A's. And posture, you got great posture. And you tie a tie real good.
Carlton: True. I am a much better dresser than you. And I speak better, and I drive better, and people definitely like me a whole lot more.
Will: Looks like my work's done here. Good night, Carlton.
Carlton: And my manners are vastly superior to yours. And when it comes to personal hygiene, God knows, there's no comparison.
Carlton: You know, Carlton, there's one other thing you do great, man.
Will: There is? What? You irritate the hell out of me! Now, get out of my room!
Carlton: Thanks, Will.

Vivian: Philip, Geoffrey's annual raise is coming up and I think we should discuss it.
Philip: Oh, we won't bring it up until he does.
Geoffrey: Madam, sir. I have just taken the liberty of rotating your tires, re-grouting the pool and drawing up plans for a small gazebo. I hope it is to your satisfaction.
Vivian: I think he just brought it up.

Carlton: Come on, Will, we better get going. I want to get there early so I can get my pick of the pencils.
Philip: Before you go, son, I have a little surprise for you. It's my old Princeton sweatshirt. I was gonna save it until you went off to college, but I thought you might like to have it today.
Carlton: Dad, I don't know what to say. This means so much to me. I'll wear it for good luck.
Will: Or you could throw it up in the air and cover that big hole in the ozone.

Vivian: That grocery store was a snake pit. I almost got thrown out of the express line for being one item over the limit. You'd be surprised how fast you can eat a sponge cake when you have to.

Carlton: Admit it, Will, I beat you in gym.
Will: Okay, fine, Carlton, you got your shorts on way faster than me.
Carlton: Right.
Will: Of course, yours have a lot shorter distance to travel.