Geoffrey: Goodbye everyone. I'm off for the weekend.
Ashley: Bye, Geoffrey. I hope you enjoy your butlers' convention.
Geoffrey: Goodbye, Miss Ashley.
Will: Yo, G, G. I always wondered what y'all be doing at them joints. What is it, like reminiscing about Mr. French?
Geoffrey: Actually, we'll be reminiscing about Benson. It's the Black Butlers' Convention. This year's theme is "Get It Your Own Damn Self."

Ashley: I've been through the whole neighborhood and I haven't sold one box of cookies. Even Shelley Winters turned me down.
Hilary: Look, what you need is a different sales strategy. Look, here's one that always worked for me: "Mister, I was going to sell you some cookies, but I tripped on your driveway and I think I broke my ankle. Could you please call my daddy? He's a lawyer. He'll know what to do."

Will: Okay, I can't breathe. "They'll only be here one day." "They'll only be here one day"! The Titanic sank in one day! The Hindenburg blew up in one day! The entire city of Pompeii was covered in molten lava in one day! Okay, I can't breathe.

Carlton: Well, as acting head of the household this weekend I think you'll find me tough, yet fair. Firm yet kind.
Will: Hey, besides, man, Hilary's the oldest. She's in charge.
Carlton: But not equipped to lead. She's a figurehead. Like Queen Elizabeth. Dan Quayle. Colonel Sanders. Now, I've typed up a few ground rules. I think you should check this out.
Will: Whoa, whoa, Carlton, come on, man, you gotta loosen up a little bit, man. You're too tight. Wonder you don't sneeze and pop your drawers.
Carlton: Will, please, I'm hardly a stranger to life on the edge. I can't count the number of times I've gone swimming right after eating.

Hilary: Okay, I'm in charge, I'll handle this. Young lady, what do you think, that I'm made out of money?
Will: Hilary, what does that have to do with anything?
Hilary: I don't know, that's what Dad always says to me.

Carlton: I'm expecting company.
Will: Yeah, I'll put it in the oven for you.
Carlton: Well, you're closest to the door.
Will: Well, you're closest to the floor.

Will: All right, look, look, look. Let's not panic. Come on. Here's the plan. Hilary, you take $2,000 and you go get a new couch. Carlton, you shut up and take care of the floors. I think I can salvage the rug, and Ashley, I want you to take care of painting.
Ashley: I'm not painting. I didn't have anything to do with this.
Will: I seem to recall a certain little sunshine trooper trying to get her car theft badge.
Ashley: Oh. Latex or enamel?

Vivian: Oh, Philip, this weekend has been so wonderful! Even if we had gone to the convention spending time alone with you would have been worth it.
Philip: Well, we can stay an extra day.
Vivian: Oh, no need to. I'm taking home the red veil.
Philip: Well, I'm taking home the belly jewel.
Vivian: Why?
Philip: Because I can't get it out.

Carlton: Will, it's nice of you to help Mom and Dad with their bags.
Will: Oh, yeah, man, you know, I mean, they treat me so good here I'll do whatever I can to repay their kindness.
Carlton: Can't wait for them to leave either, huh?
Will: Does Barry White want seconds?

Philip: Ready for the convention, sweetheart?
Vivian: Oh, no matter how you prepare you can never really be ready for something like this.
Philip: Great. Now, kids, you're all mature young adults and your mother and I trust you completely. But by the same token, [walks over to Will] if any of you are planning on using this weekend as an excuse to engage in reckless activities you'll have to think again. [Will keeps looking away from Phil] Misbehavior of any kind will result in immediate grounding and suspension of allowance. Do I make myself clear?
Will: This is a racial thing, right?