Vivian: Wait! I forgot my purse. Has anybody seen my old brown bag?
Aunt Helen: Excuse me. You used to call me Diva.

Vivian: Honey, you know, all married couples go through rough times. But maybe if you just talk to Lester-
Aunt Helen: Talk to him? Girl, I wouldn't give Lester air if he was in a jug.
Vivian: Well, sweetheart, I don't mean to pry and you don't have to give me all the gory details, but-
Aunt Helen: Vivian, I told you. There is another woman in his life, and I don't mean his ugly mama.
Vivian: But Lester is crazy about you.
Aunt Helen: Was. Now he's just crazy. You know how some men are animals in bed?
Vivian: Yes.
Aunt Helen: Well, I don't.

Vivian: Sweetheart, I feel so bad about this.
Hilary: Me, too. You poor thing. You know what? I'm gonna go out and I'm gonna buy something really nice.
Aunt Helen: Oh, sweetie, that's all right. You don't have to buy me anything.
Hilary: Oh, I know. I meant for me.

Carlton: Will, a deal's a deal. You picked the movie, I pick the restaurant.
Will: Oh, please, man. This ain't no restaurant. I mean, there wasn't even no golden arches outside.
Carlton: Will, please. You're this far from washing windshields with newspaper. Now, just sit down and try to go a half-hour without saying "yo."

Vivian: Well, I know how that goes. One day last month, I met Philip at the door wearing nothing, honey, but Saran Wrap and a smile. Walked right past me and said, "Hi, honey, did you make that meatloaf?"
Aunt Helen: Well, at least he spoke.

Aunt Helen: Vivian, last night I followed Lester. He drove over to this cute little house with this cute little picket fence and this cute little homewrecker opened the door.
Vivian: I would have been reaching for my cute little crowbar.
Aunt Helen: I couldn't find it. Anyway, she let him in and he stayed.
Vivian: For how long?
Aunt Helen: Let's just say I got tired of waiting.

Carlton: It's not fair, Will. Monique is everything I've ever wanted in a woman. Beautiful, sexy, and she measures everything in centimetres.
Will: Hey, look, man, all I know is if we don't get this house cleared out by tonight the only sweet things we gonna be near is a couple Klondike bars.

Lester: Helen, now that I've got you in a room without books there's something I've got to tell you.
Aunt Helen: Ain't nobody gonna tell me nothing! Lester, don't make me get ethnic on you!
Lester: Oh, damn. Woman, would you for once let me do the talking? Now, Anita is a-
Aunt Helen: l bet the hussy has a weave. And she's younger than I am, too. Isn't she?
Lester: Anita's my psychiatrist. I've been seeing her since I was passed over for that promotion at the plant. When I missed out on that job, I lost my confidence.
Aunt Helen: Well, I knew you lost something but... I didn't know it was your confidence.
Lester: Well, why do you think I started seeing a shrink?
Aunt Helen: Will, cover your ears.
Will: Oh, yes, ma'am.

Lester: How could you think I was even seeing another woman?
Aunt Helen: Well, you know what they say. If the rooster ain't crowing in the henhouse, he must be cock-a-doodling in the barn.
Lester: Helen, I wasn't cock-a-doodling anywhere. When that job went south, well, my doodle went with it. You know I'm crazy about you, baby.
Aunt Helen: Well, I wish you would have said something. But, knowing me, I wouldn't have listened anyway. Oh, I'm sorry, baby.
Lester: You know, I still should have told you about Anita. I'm the one who's sorry.
Aunt Helen: It was worth it if it worked. Did it? Did it work?
Lester: There's only one way to find out.
Will: Guys? Help me! Somebody let me out of here! They doing it.

Will: Oh, man. How you trying to play my aunt, man? Oh, that's it. I'm feeling froggy. I'm about to leap. Hey, but, hold up. Would you really prefer a man?
Lester: Wait a minute, Will.
Will: Back up, man.
Lester: You think...? Wait. Anita's my psychiatrist, Will.
Will: Oh, yeah, right. And I just won a Grammy.
Will: Come on. Come on, man to man, toe to toe, come on.
Lester: Will, I understand your anger and if you want to take out your passive-aggressive feelings towards your absent father on me then go ahead.
Will: Man, you really must be seeing a shrink. Hey, what does it mean when you dream that you're flying through a tunnel on a Scud missile?