Philip: You know, it's true what they say, TV really does add 10 pounds.
Geoffrey: Hmm. What would account for the other 250?
Philip: You know, you're not a man who enjoys employment, are you, Geoffrey?

Will: Aah! So did you do it? Well, I hope you're happy now. You know, you got what you wanted. I'm out. You're in.
Carlton: Is that about it?
Will: No, sir. I have only begun. See, you know what kills me? I was laughing while I was walking home because it's funny. You know, how we can live together all these years, almost like brothers and you could still low-bridge me the way you did.
Carlton: Are you about done?
Will: Oh, no, sir. Furthermore, you little...
Carlton: Snake? Weasel?
Will: Oh, yes.
Carlton: Nerd?
Will: Oh, yes.
Carlton: How about square-headed short stack?
Will: This is not the way this is supposed to be going.

Carlton: And action.
Will: Hi. As the king of poultry, I know what good chicken should taste like, and if you... Hold up, Carlton. Wait a minute. A chicken eating chicken? That's just sick.

Carlton: Excuse me. Break it up. You, out. Big Bird, back to work.
Will: Hey, I don't know why I'm doing this dumb mess in the first place.
Carlton: Because if you don't, I'll fire you from the Peacock. You'll drop out of school and be wrestling for scraps with a guy named Joe in the dumpster behind the Sizzler. But, hey, you have to live your own life.

Will: I've worked in management for two years. I can type 100 words a minute, I take shorthand, speak French and Spanish. I'm pre-law with a 4.0 average.
Werner: Hmm. And you?
Will: Well, you know, I mean, I don't like to brag...
Werner: But?
Will: Oh, that's it. I just don't like to brag.

Will: Jazz, I'm telling you, man. I would've been perfect for that job. That big Blow Pop head swindled his way in and took what was mine.
Jazz: Damn. That's even worse than getting beat up by a girl. But anyway, this ought to cheer you up.
Will: "Come get your freak on at Club Freak On."
Jazz: Took me a long time to find something that rhymed with Freak On.

Carlton: Sorry, Hilary, but this just has to be said. I've had about as much lip as I'm gonna take from you. You think you can do this job? You think you've got the stuff to handle high-profile celebrities? You think it's easy catering to a low-rent Martin Lawrence wannabe? Huh? Huh? Huh?
Maurice Perry: Pardon me. Pardon me. I don't have to sit here and be insulted by some Black Potsie Weber. I'm out of here, okay?

Will: Hey, what's up, Ash? Ashley?
Ashley: Oh, Will. I can explain. I can't explain.
Will: Hey, weren't you supposed to be studying?
Ashley: Oh, well, we did study, really fast, and then we came here.
Will: You are learning entirely too much from me, young lady.

Philip: Ashley.
Ashley: Yes, Daddy?
Vivian: How was studying?
Ashley: Um, fine. You know, the funniest thing happened. You're never gonna believe...
Philip: Uh-huh.
Ashley: Will a week cover it?
Philip: Better make it two.
Ashley: Two's good.

Carlton: Well, you're mad at me for stealing your job?
Will: You're doggone, right. You shouldn't have done that. You knew how much I wanted this job.
Carlton: And you demonstrated that by ditching your responsibility, Jasmine. Who may not be a looker, but is quite an entertaining gal.
Will: Look, fine. Be that as it may, it does not change what you did and what you always do to me. Man, you are just so selfish. You got everything, but still on top of that you gotta take everything that everybody else has. Always about you. Carlton. Carlton. Carlton.
Carlton: Oh, yeah, well, you know what your problem is?
Will: No, I don't.
Carlton: You're a slacker. You say you want things but you're never willing to work for it. You never make the sacrifice. You think you're just gonna charm your way through. Just like your father.
Will: Let me tell you something. I am nothing like my father, all right?