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‘I, Stank Horse’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: I, Stank Horse

620. I, Stank Horse

Aired April 22, 1996

Carlton regrets dropping out of a golf tournament after Uncle Phil and Will team up. Meanwhile, Hilary fills in as Regis Philbin's co-host.

Quote from Hilary

Regis Philbin: Well, now, we usually start off the show by announcing our guests and then we have a little banter, go to a commercial, bring out the first guest.
Hilary: Well, that's a good way. But what if we do it the way we do it on my show? Which is we bring out the guest first and then we do that little banter thing later.
Regis Philbin: Again, we've been using this format for many, many years and it seems to work, you know? You know the old saying, "If it ain't broke"...
Hilary: I'm drawing a blank here.
Regis Philbin: Don't fix it.
Hilary: Fix what?
Regis Philbin: It. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Hilary: What's it? What are you talking about?
Regis Philbin: You know, maybe we'd better skip the banter altogether, you know?
Hilary: Big baby.

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Quote from Hilary

Regis Philbin: Oof. I hate to be a stickler, but that's my chair.
Hilary: Oh, well, would you mind if I sat here? You see, my right side has been rated my better side. So it'd be in my best interest to be sitting on this side.
Regis Philbin: But it would be in my best interest if I could sit in the same chair I've been sitting in for the last 15 years.
Hilary: [laughs] Fine. Big baby.

Quote from Hilary

Regis Philbin: Hi, everybody. Welcome to Live With Regis and my guest host for today, Ms. Hilary Banks.
Hilary: Thank you for having me, Regis.
Regis Philbin: The pleasure's all mine. We're gonna have a great show today.
Hilary: Oh, we sure are. Today on the show, we have ghostbuster Ernie Hudson. And direct from Milan, we have-
Regis Philbin: Hilary, Hilary. I usually announce the guests.
Hilary: Oh, well, then go ahead.
Regis Philbin: And direct from Milan, one of the preeminent fashion designers Miss Isabella Fonte. Now, what is the deal with your Los Angeles freeways? I'm driving down the San Diego-
Hilary: Oh, tell me about it. I'm driving along, 90 miles per hour, I'm putting my makeup on when the phone rings and I spill my Frappuccino all over my Louis Vuitton sports bag.
Regis Philbin: Hilary. Hilary, what are you doing?
Hilary: I'm bantering.
Regis Philbin: It takes two people to banter.
Hilary: Not when I do it.

Quote from Geoffrey

Carlton: Geoffrey, have you ever done something because you thought it was right but then felt really stupid about what you did?
Geoffrey: Yes, but I'm still working here.

Quote from Vivian

Vivian: Ashley's right. Take us for example. We enter the club tennis tournament every year just for the fun of it. And just because we win, doesn't make it any more fun.
Ashley: Exactly. Of course, we don't have losing to compare it to.
Vivian: You go, girl.

Quote from Geoffrey

Geoffrey: Oh, goody. I thought I was going to run out of things to do today.
Hilary: Good God, Geoffrey, this place is a mess.
Geoffrey: Miss Hilary, it's comments like that, that makes this job worthwhile.
Hilary: Geoffrey, Regis Philbin is going to be here any minute.
Geoffrey: Ah. Another pair of hands to lighten the load.
Hilary: This is important. Kathie Lee has the flu. He's looking for a co-host while he's in Los Angeles.
Will: Whoa, that's a big deal, Hil. Hey, anything I can do to help?
Hilary: Yeah. Don't talk to him. I don't want anyone to mess it up by saying something stupid.
Geoffrey: It's going to be a very quiet meeting.

Quote from Will

Regis Philbin: Listen, by the way, try reversing your grip. It'll keep you from pushing the putt to the right.
Will: Oh, I'll try it. Thanks a lot, Reg.
Regis Philbin: Hey, don't ever call me Reg.
Will: [laughs] Okay. Boy, you are so funny, Reg.
Regis Philbin: No, I'm serious. Don't ever call me Reg.

Quote from Will

Philip: Okay. Look, Will. I have to go to the pro shop and pick up a sand wedge.
Will: What? A sandwich? Uncle Phil, we just had breakfast a half hour ago.
Philip: Will, I said "sand wedge." It's a club.
Will: Yeah, I know. Turkey, bacon, three layers of white toast.

Quote from Philip

Philip: [both laughing] Oh, man. That pro shot on 18 was something else.
Will: Hold up, I don't care what you say, I ain't never seen a shot like you hit on 16.
Carlton: Sounds like you guys won.
Philip: Hell, no, how could we? He's an even worse golfer than you.
Carlton: So why are you so happy?
Philip: Oh, we had a great time.
Carlton: You had a great time losing?
Philip: Yeah.
Will: Oh, I gotta tell you. We ain't spent quality time like that together in years.
Philip: Well, wait till tomorrow when we really get our butts kicked.
Will: Say, how about we throw a couple steaks on the grill and discuss our losing strategy for tomorrow?
Philip: That's a great idea. I'll go start the barbie.

Quote from Carlton

Carlton: Dad, you know, there's a chance I may be free to play tomorrow.
Philip: Oh, Carlton, I wouldn't want you to miss your foreclosure seminar.
Carlton: Well, I really won't be missing that much. I mean, once the police come and toss the family out, it's mostly paperwork.

Quote from Will

Will: Let me tell you, this dude right here is just straight loqued-out on a golf course, man.
Philip: You are the one who managed to get the golf cart up on two wheels, with me in it. That's no easy trick. Now, come on, you gotta show me how you managed to miss those 1-foot putts.
Will: All you gotta do is not concentrate. [both laugh] I ain't tripping.
Philip: You crack me up.

Quote from Vivian

Vivian: Ash, honey, a quick tip. When that little round yellow fuzzy thing comes at you, take a swipe at it.
Ashley: I'm sorry, Mom. I guess I couldn't hear it coming. Your outfit was too loud.
Philip: Ladies, ladies, whatever happened to teamwork?
Vivian: Ashley, you're my daughter and I love you.
Philip: That's better.
Vivian: But if you double fault one more time, I am going to put you up for adoption.
Ashley: Great, maybe then I'll wind up with a mother who can hit a decent backhand.
Vivian: I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that.
Ashley: Well, let me say it louder then.

Quote from Philip

Philip: Will? Now, we're doing great.
Will: Right.
Philip: We're down four strokes with nine holes to go. I know it's not about winning or losing-
Will: No, no.
Philip: ...but if you help me beat them, you'll never have to work another day in your life.
Will: Really?
Philip: Well, no, but I'll buy you dinner.

Quote from Hilary

Will: Hey, what's up, Hil? How'd it go with Reg?
Hilary: Regis loves me for finally bringing a little flavor to the show. The promo's about to come on.
Regis Philbin: [on TV] Join us tomorrow when our guests will be Wynonna Judd, Lisa Kudrow and Luke Perry. And, of course, my beautiful guest co-host Miss Arthel Neville.
Arthel Neville: [on TV] That's right, Reg, I'll be right here next to you all week.
Hilary: Oh, great. Now where am I supposed to sit?

Quote from Will

Carlton: Hey, Will.
Will: Hey, what's up, C?
Will: How come you're not dressed for the golf tournament?
Carlton: I'm not playing this year.
Will: Y'all play every year.
Carlton: Yeah, and every year we lose. Frankly, I'm sick of being a big loser.
Will: Come on, C, you're not big.
Carlton: Besides, I made other plans. I'm attending a seminar on how to buy foreclosed properties. You wouldn't believe the money to be made kicking people out of their own homes.
Will: Such a big heart for such a little man.

Quote from Will

Philip: Boy, I can't wait to hit those links. Ha-ha-ha. How about you, partner?
Carlton: Bad news, big guy. I made other plans.
Philip: Other plans? Carlton, this is a Banks' tradition. With you going off to Princeton in the fall this is one of the last chances we're gonna have to play golf and spend some quality time together.
Carlton: I'm sorry, big guy.
Will: Oh. Seem to me you gonna need somebody to replace him, Uncle Phil.
Philip: Right, right, right. But who?
Will: Ah. Fore.
Philip: Uh. Oh, Will, would you like to play?
Will: Oh, me? No... Yes.

Quote from Carlton

Carlton: Will, Will. Listen, just out of curiosity, what is the other thing men think about?

Quote from Will

Geoffrey: Mr. Regis Philbin.
Regis Philbin: Hilary. Hilary, it's great to finally meet you.
Hilary: Oh, thank you, Mr. Philbin.
Regis Philbin: Please, call me Regis.
Will: Hey, what's up, Regis?
Regis Philbin: You can call me Mr. Philbin. That's a joke. [laughs] I got him.
Will: I love this guy.

Quote from Vivian

Philip: Well, if it isn't Martina and Steffi. How'd the first round of your tournament go?
Vivian: Great. We won. But then again, we always do.
Ashley: Yes. Black number five, coming up.

Quote from Carlton

Carlton: I was talking about the golf tournament. I made other plans because I didn't wanna play but then I saw Will and Dad having so much fun...
Geoffrey: And now you're jealous.
Carlton: Yeah, now Will and Dad are buddies and I feel like an idiot.
Geoffrey: Well, you shouldn't. Not because of that anyway. Look everyone makes mistakes. The point is to learn from them. And most important, not to try to solve your problems with hasty immature actions.
Will: [o.s.] Hey, man, look what happened to my golf clubs. Bet it was that dirty boy Bobby Mercer. You know, it's always the quiet ones.

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