Sergeant: Sit down!
Philip: Hey! You don't talk to my wife like that.
Sergeant: Now, wait a minute, buddy. Who the hell do you think you're talking-
Philip: Who the hell do you think you're talking to?
Henry: What's going on?
Sergeant: May I help you, sir?
Henry: I'm Henry Furth.
Sergeant: Good news. Your car is safe and sound. And we've got the perpetrators.
Henry: Those aren't the perpetrators. Those are my partner's son and nephew.
Sergeant: Partner?
Philip: Legal partner. I've got a few questions for you. When you got this alleged confession from them did they have a lawyer present? No. Because I'm their lawyer. Did you notify their parents? No. Because we're their parents. So, Officer, don't tell us to wait. And don't tell us to sit down. Just open that damn cell and let those two boys out or I'll tie this place up with so much litigation that your grandchildren are gonna need lawyers!

Vivian: Let those kids out.
Sergeant: These kids are car thieves.
Vivian: Then you have made a big mistake. Now, I don't know how you got that bogus confession out of them but those two boys haven't stolen a thing from anyone. This has got to the biggest amateur operation I have seen since Mayberry R.F.D.
Police Officer: Could you ask your wife to calm down?
Vivian: Calm yourself, Barney Fife.
Philip: Vivian, please. Now, officers, I'm sure we can clear this whole matter up quite easily.
Sergeant: Could you please sit down? We're busy now.
Vivian: Oh, honey, we're about to get very busy.

Will: "Those cops were just trying to do their jobs"?
Carlton: Will, don't get all bent out of shape.
Will: Man, you ain't learned nothing this weekend, did you?
Carlton: I most certainly did. Always bring a map.
Will: What?
Carlton: If we would have had a map we wouldn't have to drive 2 miles an hour to find a freeway entrance and we wouldn't have been stopped.
Will: Oh, okay, okay. I get it now. We were stopped because we were driving too slow. We were breaking the slowness limit. Oh, okay. Well, you see, I've never heard of that law before. But I did hear this other law. It's the "if you see a Black guy driving anything but a burned-out Pinto, you better stop him because he stole it" law. Yeah, I heard about that one. But see, I thought it was "the Black guy law" when in actuality, it was the "slowness limit law." Oh, thank you for sharing that with me, Carlton. Good night.

Will: We got to get out of here, man. That big dude is making me nervous.
Carlton: Why?
Will: Any time you see a White guy in jail, you know he did something bad.

Carlton: All right, Will. I'll share my snack with you on one condition. When we get to Palm Springs, you will behave like a proper gentleman and try to maintain some sense of decorum and etiquette. Understood?
Will: Yeah.
Carlton: Good. What do you say to an Oreo?
Will: I say, "What's up, Carlton?"

Carlton: Hey, they were just doing their job.
Will: Good night, Carlton.
Carlton: What's your complaint here? We were detained for a few hours, Dad cleared things up, and we were released. The system works.
Will: I hope you like that system 'cause you will be seeing a lot of it in your lifetime.
Carlton: Not if I bring a map.
Will: You just don't get it, do you? No map is going to save you, and neither is your glee club or your fancy Bel-Air address or who your daddy is. Because when you're driving in a nice car in a strange neighborhood, none of that matters. They only see one thing. [exits]
Carlton: Well, maybe growing up where you did has made you a little touchy, but I think you've blown this thing out of proportion. If you look at the facts...

Will: Listen to me, Carlton, when he comes up, keep your hands on the wheel.
Carlton: Good evening, Officer. [extends hand] Carlton Banks.
Police Officer: Keep your hands on the wheel. Where are you headed?
Carlton: We're going to Palm Springs. And yourself? Where are you headed this fine evening?
Will: Good job, Carlton. Now he's gonna want to see your license.
Carlton: Right.
Police Officer: Can I see your license?
Carlton: My license? Now, I have to warn you this picture was taken without my contacts. And the height is a typo, I'm actually a lot taller.
Will: Fool, this is not The Love Connection.

Philip: Carlton, it's late. It's a school day tomorrow, son.
Carlton: Yeah. Yeah, okay, Dad. You know, it was awfully nice of Mr. Furth to help us out. I'll have to write him a thank-you note.
Philip: It shouldn't have happened in the first place, son. Good night.
Carlton: Dad. If you were a policeman and you saw a car driving 2 miles an hour, wouldn't you stop it?
Philip: I asked myself that question the first time I was stopped. Good night, son.
Carlton: [to himself] I would stop it.

Sergeant: Okay, fellas, let's start at the beginning. Where are you from?
Will: LA.
Carlton: Well, not exactly.
Will: Next question, please.
Sergeant: No, let's hear what your friend has to say.
Carlton: Actually we come from Bel-Air. In fact, we live two houses away from the Reagans. We have the same pool man.
Sergeant: And where were you headed to?
Will: The desert. Next question, please.
Carlton: Not just the desert. Palm Springs. We're going to a legal retreat. It's at Henry Furth's villa. He's my father's partner and the owner of the car we're driving.
Sergeant: Oh, he is, is he? Then why didn't he drive it himself to Palm Springs?
Carlton: Because his wife flew everybody in her helicopter.

Carlton: Why so glum, chum?
Will: It was my idea for me to drive his car to Palm Springs. How come he asked you to do it? This is a Black thing, isn't it?