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‘The Mother of All Battles’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: The Mother of All Battles

202. The Mother of All Battles

Aired September 16, 1991

Will and Carlton try to help Ashley when she has trouble with a bully at school.

Quote from Will

Will: All right, look. Step one: You gotta learn how to take somebody's heart, right? In the old days, they used to call it selling woof tickets.
Ashley: She won't buy anything from me, Will.
Will: No, no, no. See, a woof ticket is like a threat. See, right? It's all in your attitude. It's like: Say, man! Hey! You don't get out of my face, man, I'm gonna hit you so hard your grandpa's gonna get a lump.
Ashley: I will hit you so hard, it will bruise your great-grandfather badly.
Will: That would be great if you were rumbling Princess Di.
Will: But, no try it like this: Say, man! I'm gonna hit you so hard you're gonna land in another zip code!
Ashley: I'm going to hit you so hard you're going to land in another zip code! [smiles]
Will: Moving on.
Will: Look, the next step is full-scale psychological warfare, right? So you gotta act like you got this tick, right? Like the army did this experiment on you, right, that just went terribly wrong. Like: Back up! Back up! [turns around] Mind your business, that's all. Mind your business.
Ashley: Okay. Back up! Back up! [turns around] Mind your business, that's all. Just mind your business.

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Quote from Hilary

Will: Hey, look, don't feel bad, Aunt Viv. At least you have two normal daughters.
Hilary: [enters] I have been stabbed in the back. Is nothing sacred? Is there, like, no honor?
Vivian: Baby, what's the matter?
Hilary: Francesca asked me to be a bridesmaid at her wedding.
Will: [scoffs] There is, like, no God, okay.
Vivian: And?
Hilary: Well, what do you mean, "And"? She expects me to take care of the rice they throw when they leave the church. Like I'm gonna learn how to cook just for her wedding.

Quote from Will

Will: Ashley, what is wrong with you? Look, playing sick by putting a thermometer over a 100-watt light bulb is not the way to solve your problems. The key is a 60-watt light bulb.

Quote from Carlton

Carlton: What the heck is going on here?
Will: Hey, sorry, man. Homegirl says she was a Vanilla Ice fan. I kind of lost my head.
Carlton: You expect me to believe that? Everybody likes Vanilla Ice.

Quote from Carlton

Carlton: Now what's really going on?
Ashley: Paula Hoover's been beating me up so Will's gonna show me how to fight her after school tomorrow.
Carlton: You should be ashamed of yourself, Will. Violence only begets violence. Now that is not the way you deal with a bully. Now I have found that as long as you pay them promptly, they pretty much leave you alone.
Ashley: I have been, and she still wants to beat me up.
Will: Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why she has to defend herself. Put your hands up-
Carlton: Not so. You and Paula must find a common ground. Remember, "We must never negotiate out of fear but we must never fear to negotiate." John F. Kennedy.
Will: But never forget, Mama Said Knock You Out. LL Cool J.

Quote from Ashley

Ashley: [laughs] I knew she wouldn't show. I don't blame her. I'd whip her bootie. I'd wax her tail. I'd kick her heinie. [Paula walks up behind Ashley and taps her on the shoulder] Oh, hi, Paula. Nice shoes.
Paula: Are you ready?
Ashley: Okay, but it's only fair I warn you. I'm gonna hit you so hard your grandpa's gonna be great in another area code... or something. Back up! Back up! [turns around] Mind your business, that's all. Just mind your business.

Quote from Hilary

Francesca: I just don't see what's wrong with the dress.
Hilary: Francesca, remember the first day of junior high when you showed up in a reversible poncho? Who hid you under the bleachers?
Francesca: You did, Hilary.
Hilary: That's right, because I care about you. Remember freshman year? Do I need to bring up the culotte incident? [Francesca shakes her head] Then I think it's time we stopped the madness. Francesca, this dress, it's an abomination.
Francesca: What if we add a dickey?
Hilary: Why don't we just wear Wax Lips?
Francesca: Hilary, you haven't agreed with one thing I've picked for my wedding.
Hilary: Well, I agreed that you should wear white, and I think we all know that's a stretch.
Francesca: I guess you're right. So could you help me, please?
Hilary: Well, I guess I could come up with a few tips. Geoffrey, hit the lights.

Quote from Philip

Dr. Hoover: Obviously, your wife is upset. It's common with women in mid-life. I'd be happy to prescribe something.
Philip: Dr. Hoover, the school where you got your degree, did you find it on the back of a matchbook?
Will: Please, my humble brothers, please-
Dr. Hoover: Penn State, my brother.
Philip: Really? Good school. I was thinking of going there if my scholarship to Princeton, Yale, Wharton, and Talladega Tech had fallen through.
Dr. Hoover: Impressive. You must have been quite an athlete in your thinner days.

Quote from Hilary

Hilary: I don't believe it. I have never witnessed anything more humiliating in my life. Jilted at the altar. Other than crow's feet, that is the worst thing that can happen to a woman.
Vivian: Francesca was jilted?
Hilary: No, I was talking about me. All that hard work redesigning this dress, and that ingrate eloped. And to think I was gracious enough to let her invite her hayseed grandmother.

Quote from Will

Carlton: Dad, I hope you don't mind me saying this, but it's got to be said. What you did tonight was wrong.
Will: Word, I gotta agree with Carlton. Who said that?
Philip: I thought you said that's how you settled disputes in your old neighborhood.
Will: No, no, no. See, in my neighborhood we got this sacred code. It's like: My broski! Whatever you want to do broham, on the left or the right we can do that all night. But all that old yackety-yak, jawbone, you kicking in the middle, man you can stop that, 'cause I ain't down with that. You see what I'm saying?
Philip: No.
Will: Me, neither. That's why it's so sacred.

Quote from Philip

Philip: The point is, I was wrong. I lost control. Ashley, baby, in the future, I hope you'll do what I say and not what I did. Even though it felt good hitting that jerk tonight. Really, really good... I was wrong. Sometimes, what feels good is wrong.
Will: [smiles] Yeah.
Philip: Everything that feels good is wrong. Everything. Do you understand me?
Ashley: Yes. Okay.

Quote from Vivian

Dr. Hoover: Your daughter suffers from displaced aggression syndrome.
Vivian: Well, Dr. Hoover, I'm afraid I would have to get a second opinion before I could believe that.
Mrs. Hoover: Oh, it's definitely displaced aggression syndrome.
Dr. Hoover: Let me put it in simpler terms. This is where a child acts out the repressed hostility of an unhappy home.
Vivian: And what is that supposed to mean?
Mrs. Hoover: Oh, too many big words?
Vivian: No, Miss Thing, but I got a couple of small words for you.
Philip: Vivian.

Quote from Carlton

Carlton: Listen, Paula, the great Martin Luther King taught us that violence is never the way. We must rise above hate and mend our differences to perseverance and love. [Paula punches Carlton in the stomach] Thank you for helping me prove my point. Look, I will turn the other cheek. [Paula slaps Carlton's face]
Will: Running a little low on cheeks there, bro?
Carlton: You cannot make me angry, Paula. [Paula shoves Carlton] Because if I surrender to anger, I have surrendered my very independence. [Paula tries to knee Carlton] You know, Paula, even the great Martin Luther King probably drew the line somewhere.
Will: And it was probably somewhere around that region you were just aiming.

Quote from Ashley

Ashley: Hi, Mommy.
Vivian: Hi, sweetheart. How was school today?
Ashley: Oh, it was great. [Will & Carlton start gesturing to Ashley to stop talking] We had to write an essay in English. I think I aced it.
Vivian: Well, what did you write about?
Ashley: My neck?
Vivian: You wrote an entire essay on your neck. Well, that is quite impressive, sweetheart since your principal called and said that you have not been at school today yesterday, or the day before.

Quote from Will

Will: Damn. I can't believe it. The school's like three miles away. It took us 45 minutes to get home.
Vivian: I know, sweetheart. Those traffic jams can be so frustrating.
Will: Wasn't no traffic. It was Carlton's driving. It was old people in walkers passing us.
Carlton: Look, the fact that I'm safety conscious does not mean I drive like a little old man.
Will: Carlton, please, George Burns flipped you the bird.
Carlton: He was waving. The man has arthritis.

Quote from Will

Will: Aunt Viv, don't feel bad. At least you have one normal daughter.
[Ashley walks in, kicks a chair, throws her school bag down, and starts drinking milk straight from the carton]
Will: Aunt Viv, I'd say it's about time you started feeling bad.

Quote from Will

Ashley: [wails]
Will: Yo, is Linda Blair down there?
Philip: Ashley, baby, are you all right?
Ashley: I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I guess the pain was just too much to bear.
Philip: I'm not surprised, 180 degrees.
Will: Yo, take 1,000 aspirin, drink 50 gallons of water and stay in bed until Carlton's voice changes.

Quote from Will

Vivian: Ashley, baby, now you've been acting strange all day. What's going on?
Ashley: There's this science test tomorrow on the plant kingdom. It's really hard.
Vivian: Honey, all we've ever asked is that you try to do your best.
Ashley: I know.
Philip: And how are you gonna know what your best is unless you try? Now you go upstairs and study until bedtime.
Ashley: Okay. [exits]
[Will sits down between Aunt Vivian and Uncle Phil on the couch]
Will: [chuckles] Whoa, kids, man, kids. I mean, it's like you love them and you love them and you love them but sometimes, you know, they make you just wanna pull out your... tongue.

Quote from Ashley

Ashley: Thanks, Will. But what I really need to know is how to kick someone's butt.
Will: Oh, word up. Carlton getting on your nerves, too?
Ashley: It's not Carlton. It's this girl Paula Hoover. If I don't give her my lunch, she hits me. And tomorrow at 3:00, she's gonna beat me up whether I feed her or not.
Will: Well, I happen to know she ain't gonna be beating you up.
Ashley: Why? Did she die?
Will: No. I'm gonna teach you how to defend yourself.

Quote from Will

Carlton: Ashley, do you believe that violence is wrong?
Will: Ashley, do you believe it's wrong to be this pathetic little wimp?
Ashley: Yes. Well, no. Oh, I don't know. Can I be alone now?
Carlton: Well, Ashley, no matter whatever happens tomorrow, just know that I believe in you.
Will: And, Ashley, whatever happens tomorrow, know that I believe Carlton is adopted.

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