Ashley: Maybe Daddy's password is some kind of food.
Carlton: Look, I tried every dish in Geoffrey's cookbook, nothing works.
Hilary: Unbelievable. What kind of idiot picks a password no one can guess?
Carlton: See, it's that kind of question that knocks you out of the running... for Dad's favorite. Just keep a lookout.

Hilary: Where did you learn to do this?
Carlton: The Young Republicans sponsored a seminar. Ah, open sesame.
Hilary: Oh, my God, it's full of gold bars. [giggles]
Carlton: Those are Twinkies.

Geoffrey: Well, I see someone's coming into money.
Ashley: Geoffrey, we weren't taking any money.
Geoffrey: I meant me.
Carlton: All right, Geoffrey, what's it gonna cost to keep you quiet?
Geoffrey: Well, considering the magnitude of this betrayal of your father's trust... I'd say a thousand dollars.
Carlton: Well, that's cool, we can handle that. No problem.
Geoffrey: A week. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to wash some dirty laundry.
Carlton: He has no scruples.
Hilary: Shut up and close the safe.

Hilary: Daddy, how can you even think about retiring early? I'm in middle of a holiday shopping season. Are you mad?
Philip: I simply said I was considering it.
Ashley: I hope you do retire, that way you can spend more time around the house.
Carlton: He's here plenty. You can't do this, big guy. Money, we need money.
Philip: Carlton, you know we can afford this. You're the one who helped me invest. My money makes money. We're rich.
Carlton: That's right, we are rich.
Hilary: Never thought about it like that.
Carlton: Cool.
Will: If we're so rich... why we can't afford no ceiling? [the camera pans up to reveal the stage lighting]

Philip: Oh, I remember the first time I met Vivian's father. He was an obstinate, dictatorial old tightwad. We didn't get along at all.
Will: Really? Even with all that in common?
Philip: I'm serious, Will. Wasn't till the day he died that he did something to improve the situation.
Will: Really? What did he do?
Philip: He died.

Will: Stop worrying, go to work, and I will handle your father.
Lisa: Will, you don't know my father. He's very overprotective. The last time one of my boyfriends spent an evening with him... it ended our relationship.
Will: So, what? You never saw the guy again?
Lisa: No, no one did. He left town. At least that's what my dad told the police.
Will: I think you're exaggerating a little bit.
Lisa: Okay, maybe a little. But, just in case... it's been really nice knowing you.

Philip: But the point is, first impressions can last forever. So you be careful tonight.
Will: No, don't worry about me, I'm gonna just be myself. Let the charm take care of it for me.
Philip: Now, Will, I don't think that's such a good idea. You see, your charm is kind of an acquired taste. Like liver.
Will: What you talking about? Man, you hate liver.
Philip: Exactly.
Will: So, what? What, are you saying I shouldn't be myself?
Philip: Oh, let me just leave you alone with your thoughts, huh?

Ashley: Guys, we have to do something about Dad.
Hilary: Listen, I've tried, but he likes that shirt.
Ashley: No, I mean we have to try to discourage this whole early retirement thing.
Carlton: I thought you were all for it.
Ashley: I was, but I've been thinking, if Dad has more time around the house... I'm the one he's gonna be spending it with.
Carlton: Why you?
Ashley: I'm his favorite.
Hilary: His favorite what?
Ashley: His favorite child, his little girl. I thought it was obvious.

Carlton: Well, think again, little sister. You are not Dad's favorite.
Hilary: That's right, Ashley, I am.
Carlton: You? Pfft!
Hilary: Hey, it's a known fact that the oldest is always the favorite. Mom and Dad got it right the first time.
Ashley: Then why did they keep trying?
Carlton: Well, you're both wrong. It's me. [Ashley & Hilary laugh] Wait, wait, wait, you cost Dad money. I make Dad money. And Daddy's little girl doesn't mean beans next to a chip off the old block... which is me.
Ashley: And Nicky.
Hilary: Nicky's only been around a few years, Daddy hardly knows him. It's me.

Will: Hey, listen, Mr. Wilkes, I want you to order anything that you want. Price is no object.
Fred: Yeah, yeah, I heard you the first six times.
Will: Oh. Wow. You know, they're known for their lemon soup.
Waitress: Uh, sir, that's a finger bowl.
Will: Oh, my fault, my fault. [lifts bowl up and sips the soup] Excellent.
Fred: You know, Will, I don't know about this place. See, I'm more of a pizza guy.
Will: Oh, well, they got pizza. What do you want on it? What, a tandoori duck? Grilled pheasant?
Fred: For 24 bucks, I want a 20-dollar bill on it.
Will: [laughing] He said... That is so... It was fu...