Jazz: Man, I remember my first time. It was everything a young man could dream of. And it only cost me 35 bucks. But, of course, things were cheaper then.
Will: That's very touching, Jazz.

Philip: Okay, Geoffrey, let's have it.
Geoffrey: I'm too ashamed to talk about it. It's better if I show you. [goes to the VCR]
Will: You did a porno movie?
Hilary: Ew.
Narrator: [on TV] Montreal, site of the 1976 Olympics where some athletes become heroes to their countries and where one man became the shame of a nation. Geoffrey Butler, a long-distance runner representing Great Britain was descended from a long line of running Butlers. The hopes of a nation were on this promising runner's shoulders. Alas, his best was simply not good enough. Halfway through the race, young Geoffrey Butler hit the wall. But unfortunately, he would not accept his defeat. In this amazing footage shot by Japanese tourist, Hashi Takashi, Geoffrey Butler's unthinkable actions were captured.
Hashi Takashi: [on TV] [speaks Japanese] "He jumped in a cab. It took him to the Olympic Stadium parking lot. He entered the stadium ahead of all the other runners."
Narrator: [on TV] Geoffrey Butler's false victory was short-lived. The Takashi footage was released almost immediately and the public was outraged. Geoffrey Butler dropped from sight, never to be seen again. To his countrymen, he is the shame of a nation.
Geoffrey: That's the shameful secret I have kept inside for 17 years. [all laugh]
Will: Hey, hey. Hey, G, man. Hey, we ain't laughing at you, man. I guess we kind of are. Hey, G, why don't you run into the kitchen and get me something. Or better yet, take a cab.
Geoffrey: Sensitive lot, aren't you?

Carlton: [sings] What's new pussycat? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa What's new pussycat? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Will: I was up all night worried sick about you. Where have you been? And how come you didn't call me? Oh, my God, that's my mom's finger. Get it off my hand.
Carlton: Pinch me, Will. I'm in love. I finally found the woman of my dreams. And I did it. The big it.
Will: You mean you and Joann... um, closed the deal?
Ashley: What are you guys talking about?
Will: Business, Ash. Here, have some breakfast. So who put the offer on the table?
Carlton: Uh, she did. And the terms were so attractive, I jumped on h- It. I jumped on it. And don't worry I protected my investment.
Will: Come on, come on. Tell me everything, tell me everything.
Hilary: What was that all about?
Ashley: Carlton lost his virginity.

Philip: Oh, Geoffrey, the committee won't care about any of this.
Geoffrey: They won't?
Philip: Of course not. You're a servant. Get me some cake.
Vivian: Geoffrey, what you did was not a crime. It was... stupid.
Geoffrey: So you mean I'm not gonna cause you any embarrassment or scandals?
Philip: No, no.
Will: Oh, man. Hey, G, hold on. You mean, that's why you came to America?
Geoffrey: That's right, Master William.
Hilary: When did you get your green card?
Geoffrey: Green card? What green card? [laughs]

Carlton: Will, I don't wanna settle for just anyone. I mean, when I was a kid, I used to sit in my tree house thinking for hours about my dream girl. I can see her now. [a woman emerges from the elevator behind Carlton] She's got beautiful brown eyes and a smile that lights up a room.
Will: Carl- Carl- Carlton.
Carlton: She'll be a great dresser. Sophisticated. Beautiful long, dark hair.
Will: Carlton-
Carlton: Let me finish, Will. She'll love everything I love. Money, Ivy League schools and America.
Joann: Excuse me. Can I pay for this Business Week now? The Princeton game is about to start and I don't wanna miss the national anthem.
Carlton: Hey, lady, we were talking.

Hilary: Just toast and coffee this morning, Geoffrey.
Will: Geoffrey's not here, Hilary.
Hilary: Can he do that?
Vivian: He was so upset, I gave him the morning off. I better go check to see how he's doing.
Hilary: Great, so what am I supposed to do about breakfast?
Will: Oh, here's a crazy idea, Hil. How about you get it yourself?
Hilary: Fine. [picks up the phone] Bel-Air Hotel? Get me Room Service.

Will: Hey, it is great to see you two together again.
Dean Morgan: You've met my wife?
Will: I mean, it is great to see you two together again.
Dean Morgan: Do I know you?
Will: Um... [stammers] Well, see I'm the manager of this place, and there's a phone call for you.
Dean Morgan: Well, who is it?
Will: [stammers] It's your uncle.
Dean Morgan: My only uncle died three years ago.
Will: Then you should take the call because it's probably really long-distance.
Dean Morgan: Excuse me for a minute. I'll leave you two to get better acquainted.
Will: I don't think that's possible.

Will: G, what is up with you today, man? I mean, you're seeming all jumpy at anything.
Geoffrey: Jumpy? No, not me.
Will: Come on, G, you can-
Geoffrey: Stop persecuting me! I've done nothing, I tell you. Nothing.
Will: You just can't get good help these days.

Carlton: [sings] I know when to hold 'em Know when to fold 'em Know when to walk away
Will: [sings] But don 't know when to shut up
Carlton: Read them and weep. [all groan] Ah, this is the best day of my life.
Will: Wait, even better than the day you met the Van Patten family?

Duane: Hey, guys. I remember the best day of my life. It was when I did the wild thing for the first time. I cut out of high school to go to Soul Train. And the next thing I knew, me and this honey was knocking boots behind the Soul Train Scrabble board.
Will: Wait a minute, wait a minute. You mean you cut high school in Akron, Ohio to go to Soul Train, which tapes in L.A?
Duane: Hey, hey. High school was boring, okay?
Will: Yeah, we believe that one.