Hilary: The coffee commercial went great. First, I take a big sip of coffee, then I say: Hi, I'm Hilary Banks, TV weather girl. When I don't have my head in the clouds I like to relax with a nice hot cup of Casual Cup coffee. So rich and fine, tastes just like you ground the beans yourself. Well, the first take, I said, " Tastes just like you found the beans yourself." We did it again, I said, "When I don't have my head in the crowds." So I did it again, and-
Will: Hilary. Hilary, how many takes did you do?
Hilary: Only 41. You think that would tire me out, but I'm more awake now than when I started.
Will: Stupid question, did you forget to spit after each take?
Hilary: Why would I want to spit it out? I'm nuts about coffee. Although, it's not made from nuts, it's from beans, so I guess I'm beans about coffee.
Will: Oh, gee, I'd love to stay and continue this fascinating monologue, but I have to get some studying done.
Hilary: You know, I've always wondered, if coffee's made from beans does that make it a vegetable?
Will: Why are you following me? Listen, don't you have to go to work in the morning? Shouldn't you go get some sleep?
Hilary: Oh, I'd love to go to sleep, but I can't. I'm wide awake. See? Wee!
Will: Why don't you try doing something boring like reading the dictionary? Do you have one?
Hilary: Of course, I do. What do you think is propping up my makeup table?

Philip: My God, that bug isn't gonna get the best of me. Now I know how Captain Ahab felt when he was chasing Moby Dick.
Geoffrey: Between the two of you, the cricket is the whale?
Philip: Geoffrey. How'd you like to be unemployed?
Geoffrey: What do you mean?
Hilary: "Unemployed. Out of work, jobless, not being used. I.E., a person who does not have a job." See, the answer is right at your fingertips.

Philip: Ashley. You've already lied once tonight. Let's not make it a habit.
Ashley: Daddy, none of my other friends had a curfew. If I came home at 10:30, everyone would think I was a baby. You have to realize that I'm growing up.
Philip: Sweetheart, I am your father. It is my job to protect you. It's a job I refuse to quit, and at which I can't afford to fail.
Ashley: I'm sorry. I won't do it again.
Philip: Of course, you won't, sweetheart. Because you're grounded for 10 years.
Ashley: Ten years?
Philip: Or whenever you move out of the house. Whatever comes first.
Ashley: That's not fair.
Philip: Tell it to the judge. Oh, that's me. [crunching sound] I killed the cricket.
Geoffrey: Oh, what a horrible death.

Philip: Oh, grow up, you two. I can't believe you're staying here. Imagine calling an exterminator for a few harmless little crickets. Supposed to be soothing, for God's sake.
Will: Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, Uncle Phil. I don't think you understand, man. Now, these ain't them cute little Jiminy-wish-upon-a-star-type crickets. No, man. These are big, mean, nasty, bug-eyed take-over-the-human-race kind of crickets, man.

Will: Time-out, Ashley's home.
Carlton: Ashley? I thought she was supposed to be upstairs in bed.
Will: Yeah, you also thought Tupac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.

Geoffrey: I was having a most wonderful dream. Amazon women had just bound me with sinuous vines and were taunting me with tangelos.
Will: What the hell is a tangelo?
Hilary: "'Tangelo', the fruit of a hybrid citrus tree that is a cross between certain varieties of grapefruit and tangerine."
Will: Thank you.
Hilary: No, thank you. I never knew how much fun I could have reading the dictionary. I mean, it's filled with all kinds of words. Big words, little words, abbreviations, common phrases. Can I look up a word for you?
Will: Go away.
Hilary: Oh, that's two words.

Carlton: Hey, do you wanna hear a little chemistry rhyme?
Will: No, not really.
Carlton: Here. Little Timmy took a drink But he will drink no more For what he thought was H2O Was H2SO4 That's how I remember the equation for sulphuric acid.
Will: Oh, look, look. I got one. I got one. Little Carlton was a boy Whose body was short and stumpy He never shut his mouth So I kicked his little rumpy

Philip: Date?
Ashley: Tonight's the night I go to the movies with Randy, remember?
Philip: Randy? Randy who? Why wasn't I consulted about this?
Vivian: Oh, Philip, stop pretending you don't know anything about it. You already gave permission. You cannot keep little girls from growing up.
Philip: I can and I will.

Ashley: Thanks, but it's just a little innocent date. Nothing's gonna happen.
Philip: Oh, you're right, nothing's gonna happen because I want you back here at 9:30.
Ashley: But the movie doesn't even end until 10.
Philip: Well, you can catch the end of it when it comes out on video.
Ashley: Daddy!
Vivian: Ashley, be back by 10:30.
Philip: Ten-thirty on the dot. Not 10:31, and that's in this house. Not on the porch, not parked out on the driveway. Now, if you'll excuse me I'm gonna go check the video camera over the front door.

Philip: Ashley's not in her room!
Ashley: I'm right here, Daddy. I was just in the kitchen getting a snack.
Vivian: We were just in the kitchen.
Ashley: I mean the kitchen in the pool house.
Philip: The pool house is being fumigated.
Ashley: Where am I? What am I doing down here? I must have been sleepwalking. I better go back to my room.