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‘The Ol' Ball and Chain’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: The Ol' Ball and Chain

420. The Ol' Ball and Chain

Aired February 28, 1994

Jazz announces he is getting married to a newly paroled convict, Jewel (Karen Malina White).

Quote from Carlton

Geoffrey: Cell block 41 has arrived.
Carlton: Welcome, ladies. Please take a moment to sign our guest book. And now, if I can just have your thumb.
Bridesmaid: You know, I resent being treated like a common thief.
Carlton: Oh, you do, do you? Well, what kind of cold-hearted, vicious, evil crime did you commit?
Bridesmaid: Securities fraud.
Carlton: [exited] Really? An inside trader? So are you here alone?

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Quote from Jazz

Jazz: This is the best day of my life. Did I thank you for everything you've done?
Will: Well, not everything.
Jazz: I hope you two will be close. She touched me, Will. And I know she'll touch you too.
Will: Yeah, actually, Jazz, that's what I wanted to talk to you about. See, listen, last night...
Jazz: She told you about our decision?
Will: What decision?
Jazz: The one we made last night. We're gonna have 10 kids. One for every month of the year. But we gonna name them all after you.
Will: Jazz, hey, you ain't got to do that, man.
Jazz: Okay, then, we'll name them Earl.

Quote from Jazz

Will: What do you mean, you're getting married?
Jazz: Her name is Jewel Robertson. I saw her on Cops, getting busted for grand theft auto.
Will: Jazz, the woman's a convict?
Jazz: We prefer the term "freedom impaired."
Will: How about the term "not playing with a full cell block"?
Jazz: You don't understand, man. Jewel makes my life complete. See, I know you look at me and you say, "Damn, that Jazz has it all." But the truth is, behind these shades, there's a big, empty hole.
Will: Well, that's for damn sure.

Quote from Will

Will: Damn these good looks of mine. Listen, now, Jewel... I know it's hard, okay? But you got to look beyond this charming, sexy exterior, okay? You got to see the real Will Smith. I'm irresponsible, I'm unreliable, I'm immature.
Jewel: Egotistical, self-centered.
Will: Yeah, yeah, that's it.
Jewel: Conceited, thick-headed, spoiled.
Will: Okay, that's fine.
Jewel: And on top of that, you ain't even that good-looking.
Will: Then why you want me so bad?
Jewel: I don't want you. I only came on to you because I figured you'd tell Jazz and he'd call the whole thing off. But you couldn't even do that. I kissed you for nothing.
Will: Well, damn.

Quote from Jazz

Jazz: And I was gonna make you my best man.
Will: Oh, really? Your best man?
Jazz: Well, you are my best friend. My other friends pretend to like me for my money.
Will: That's because you owe it to them.
Jazz: The ceremony's at the Woman's Correctional Institution next Tuesday.
Will: Whoa, Jazz. You're getting married at the prison?
Jazz: Why not. It's free. We follow an execution.
Will: Jazz, ain't no homey of mine getting married up in no prison.
Jazz: Well, unless you got a rich uncle or something, that's how it's got to be.

Quote from Hilary

Hilary: Has Jazz lost his mind? I mean, woof. What's wrong with her face?
Vivian: Sweetheart, it's electronically scrambled.
Hilary: Whatever. I just hope she's not toying with Jazz's emotions. I hate to see a sweet guy like that get hurt.
Philip: Honey, up till today, you've never had a nice thing to say about Jazz.
Vivian: Up till today, Jazz was available. Now that he's getting married... Well, forbidden fruit always looks more tempting, doesn't it?
Hilary: Mother, for God's sake, he's half your age.

Quote from Will

Will: Hey, well, look, I don't even care. Jazz is in love and I'm gonna make sure that he has the best wedding ever. Even if I got to pay for it myself. [Uncle Phil & Carlton ignore Will] I mean, even though I am just a poor black man trying to get my education.
Philip: Forget it, Will. I am not shelling out for Jazz's wedding.
Will: Oh, please. Now, I seem to remember a rather large relative of mine saying that: "If Jazz would just find some bimbo to get his mind off of Hilary, I'd be more than happy to pay for the wedding."
Philip: Well...
Will: Way to go, Judge Banks. You pretend to uphold the law but you'll renege on a verbal contract?
Philip: Well... Well, she is a convict. I could call it a rehabilitation party and write it off.
Will: Hey, check it out, you're a judge. You can perform the ceremony. Pay yourself 25 bucks.
Philip: Fifty.
Will: I don't care. Pay yourself 100. It's your money.
Philip: That's right.

Quote from Hilary

Philip: Now, just a minute, young lady.
Jewel: I'm sorry. See, the prison therapist says that I should say what's on my mind and not keep too much bottled up, otherwise I'd... you know, go out and do something stupid like hotwiring a Lexus. Although it did get me on prime time.
Jazz: And kept you in the hearts of viewers everywhere.
Hilary: I just wanna say, if you ever hurt him I'll hunt you down like the dog that you are, and kill you. Well, gotta go shop for your present.
Jewel: Beautiful and nuts. You must be very proud.
Vivian: I guess.

Quote from Philip

Philip: Ladies and gentlemen, if you'd all please take your seats. And I wanna thank you for attending this wonderful occasion.
Will: It's a pretty nice turnout, huh, Uncle Phil?
Philip: Are you kidding? Jazz ain't got no friends. I hired these people.

Quote from Philip

Will: Yo, whoa, hey, that's not funny. Jazz is my best friend.
Philip: Was. Be prepared, Will. Marriage brings about new priorities. You may find Jazz has less time to spend with you once he's taken a wife.
Will: Please, ain't no way Jazz, knowing me, gonna let some honey come between us.
Philip: Oh, that's what I thought too. When I married Vivian, I lost all my friends. Right, honey? But, you know... But it wasn't like I was gonna need them. After all, I wasn't gonna have any fun anymore. [Vivian storms off] Honey. Sweetheart. Babe...
Will: Man, Uncle Phil, I knew you had a man-size appetite, but both feet?

Quote from Jazz

Will: Jazz, would you relax, man.
Jazz: Can't help myself, Will. Not with Jewel due any minute.
Philip: Oh, is she pregnant too?
Jazz: Of course not. I have the deepest respect for her, Mr. Banks. She's a class act.
Ashley: Somebody wants to know where the bride is registered.
Jazz: Gillespie Liquors.

Quote from Hilary

Vivian: Don't mind him. We are very happy to have you in our home.
Jewel: Thanks, and I guess it's true what they say: Can't buy good taste.
Vivian: Hey.
Jewel: Now, which one is the desperately stuck-up, self-centered clothes horse?
Hilary: Guilty.

Quote from Will

Philip: What's on your mind, Will?
Will: Uh... Jewel kissed me.
Philip: It's customary to kiss the bride.
Will: No, no, no. Uncle Phil, this was like one of them Fatal Attraction elevator-scene kisses. You know what I'm saying? You know?
Philip: Oh, come on, you're exaggerating, Will.
Will: Listen, Uncle Phil, I'm telling you. I went up to the room to see if she needed anything. She kissed me on my lips. She jumped on me and she was stuck on me. And I was trying to shake her off, but I couldn't. She was like a little naked Velcro midget.

Quote from Philip

Will: What am I gonna do, Uncle Phil?
Philip: Guess you've only got two choices. You can either tell Jazz or not.
Will: And you're a judge, right?
Philip: Look, maybe this story will help you. You know, when I was younger, I was a pretty sexy guy.
Will: If you're not gonna take this seriously, Uncle Phil...
Philip: Do you wanna hear this story? Okay. I was driving home from a party with my buddy and his girlfriend and my buddy fell asleep. Next thing I know, she leans across and fastens my seat belt. You know what I'm saying?
Will: Please don't do that, Uncle Phil.

Quote from Hilary

Philip: Dearly beloved-
Hilary: Stop the wedding! You can't marry her, Jazz.
Jazz: We're not cousins, are we?
Philip: Hilary, what's the meaning of this?
Hilary: I'm in love with him. [audience gasps] Oh, my God. What am I saying? I'm gonna go lie down.

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