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‘Best Laid Plans’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Best Laid Plans

317. Best Laid Plans

Aired February 1, 1993

Will wants to take things to the next level with his girlfriend Monique (Kim Fields), but she has more traditional views on sex before marriage.

Quote from Jazz

Jazz: We better get out of here, my brother. Any minute now that minister's going to realize his house ain't on fire.
Will: I don't believe this, Jazz, man, together we are invincible.
Jazz: Granted, my brother, we're good, but people can still see us.

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Quote from Philip

Philip: I can't imagine what kind of excuse you could come up with. Do you have anything to say in your own defense?
Will: Nothing. It's shameful, Uncle Phil. I mean, here you are busting your hump trying to impart values and teach basic human decency and I turn around and do some mess like this.
Philip: I just don't get it, Will. I mean what is going on in that head of yours?
Will: I don't know, Uncle Phil. I'm out of control. Please stop me before I disobey again.
Philip: Don't you ever stop to think before you do these disgusting things?
Will: Of course, I do, Uncle Phil. Do you think I like being the way I am? I'm a victim. I'm a victim of my imagination. Help me.
Philip: Well all right, since you put it that way. I'm not going to punish you, Will.
Will: You know, that's radical, Uncle Phil, but it just might work.
Philip: I'm not going to punish you today, maybe not even tomorrow. You see, I need to think a long, long time about just what I'm going to do with you. I don't know, it might come to me in the middle of the night or maybe next week, or a few years from now. In the meantime, why don't you worry about it? Be afraid, Will. Be very afraid. [laughs maniacally]
[sometime later:]
Philip: [reading a book of Medieval Tortures] I've got it. Will!

Quote from Will

Will: Mirror, mirror on the wall, Jean-Claude Van Damn, I'm fine.

Quote from Philip

Philip: Look, Will, driving is serious business. Well, these days you got to think about safety. You never want to go for a ride in a car without your seat belt. And use your brakes. Don't floor it because then you throw a rod, you flood your carburetor, you crack your block. You understand what I'm saying?
Will: No, man.
Philip: No sex before marriage.
Will: Come on, Uncle Phil, this is the '90s, man.
Philip: Take a cold shower.
Will: I've been doing that since the '80s. It don't work no more.
Philip: Look, Will, I know I'm talking to teenage hormones from hell, but if you care about this young lady, you don't want to do anything to damage the relationship. And intimacy requires a real commitment.
Will: Uncle Phil, I'm saying, Uncle Phil. We both mens here, you know? We got ugly needs.
Philip: Will, you're a grown man. I can't watch you all the time. I'm just going to have to rely on you to do the right thing.

Quote from Carlton

Carlton: Will, Will, Will, you just don't understand women. When it comes to matters of the heart, you can't rush things. Give a girl time, she'll come around.
Will: Really? How long do you usually give them?
Carlton: Well, let's see, a week from Friday, it will be 18 years.

Quote from Philip

Will: Hey, look, Uncle Phil, check it out. Can I talk to you for a second?
Philip: Do you have to?
Will: Come on, Uncle Phil, this is serious, man. I need to talk to you about, um, cars.
Philip: Cars, you... Oh, cars! Yeah, well, I guess it is about time that you and I started talking about...
Both: Cars.
Philip: Oh, God, this car isn't in trouble, is it?
Will: Oh, no, no, no. Never been off the lot as far as I can tell.

Quote from Philip

Philip: Oh, what a day. If you guys don't mind it, I'm going to skip dinner and clear up some paperwork.
Vivian: Philip, remember we're going to go out to dinner?
Will: Yeah, remember?
Philip: Yeah, of course, I remember. I've been looking forward to it all day.
Vivian: So, where are we going?
Philip: To the restaurant. Le... Chez...
Will: Mc... Mc...
Philip: All right, Vivian, I forgot.

Quote from Philip

Geoffrey: Here you are, madam. I'm guessing they're not for me. I haven't put out in years.
Vivian: Oh, Philip, they're beautiful.
Philip: Let me. Hmm. "I'm looking forward to dinner tonight with the most beautiful woman in the world." I love you.
Vivian: Oh, Philip, you were teasing me. I love you, too.
Philip: Yes.
Vivian: Okay, let me just go freshen up. [exits]
Philip: Okay, baby. Love you.
Will: Uncle Phil, Trevor sent these flowers. They're for Hilary.
Philip: Not anymore.
Will: Uncle Phil, you lied to your woman. My man, give it up top.

Quote from Will

Will: Baby, what you doing?
Monique: Will, I can't do this. I better go.
Will: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Baby, what's the problem?
Monique: You really turn me on.
Will: What's the problem?
Monique: I don't know, Will. I really thought that I could handle all this but I can't, so we better stop.
Will: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Baby, some things just ain't that easy to stop.
Monique: I know, and it isn't that easy for me either but, Will, I want you. But I guess deep down inside I'm just an old-fashioned girl. I want to be married before I go all the way. You understand, don't you?
Will: Look, Monique, I'd love to talk, but there ain't no blood in my brain.

Quote from Jazz

Jazz: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to unite this couple in holy matrimony.

Quote from Jazz

Jazz: And by the powers invested into me and for the republic in which it stands, I now pronounce you man and wife. Get busy.
Monique: Will, I'm so happy. I can't believe we did this.
Will: Me, neither. Come on, let's go, baby. [Jazz throws rice at the couple] Father, Father. Chill, all right? Look, baby, I'm I need to take care of the Reverend, all right?
Monique: Okay, honey, I'm going to go warm up the car. [kisses Will]
Jazz: Hey, hey, hey. This is God's crib. Take that in the street where it belongs.

Quote from Jazz

Jazz: You know, my child, I've never known the pleasures of the flesh but I could be convinced to give up the priesthood for you.
[to another woman:]
Jazz: You know, my child, I've never known the pleasures of the flesh but I could be convinced to give up...
Will: Excuse me, Father, could I rap to you for a second.
Jazz: Don't go away baby. Bartender, another Olde English for the lady.

Quote from Jazz

Will: Jazz, sit down. Look, I can't believe I let you talk me into this, man. I feel awful.
Jazz: Will, a naked, willing female is in your room. Stop me when I get to the awful part.
Will: I don't have a right to treat her like this, man. She's a human being.
Jazz: Well, that's enough. Now, get a bottle of whiskey, liquor that girl up and take advantage of her. Be a man for God's sake.
Will: Jazz, I'm sorry, man, I can't. I've got to tell her the truth.
Jazz: Maybe you're right. Perhaps we've both been a little remiss in our treatment of women.
Will: You think?
Jazz: Yeah. You inspire me, Prince. From now on I, too, will be completely honest in my dealings with the fair sex.
Will: My man. [exits]
Jazz: [to a woman] You know, my child, I've never known the pleasures of the flesh but I could be convinced to give up the priesthood for you.

Quote from Ashley

Hilary: All I could overhear were the words Mercedes, wife, and Monique and then Dad ran out of the house.
Carlton: Well, I think it's obvious what happened. Will and Monique stole a Mercedes, and ran over somebody's wife.
Hilary: Carlton, that's ridiculous. Obviously, Will has been seeing a woman named Mercedes, Monique found out and I'm still working on the wife part.
Ashley: Well, I think Will married Monique just to get her into bed and when she found out, she got so mad she took off in Dad's Mercedes. [Carlton & Hilary laugh]
Carlton: Get real!
Philip: [enters] I still can't believe that you could do something so despicable. I mean, marrying Monique just to get her in bed?
Will: Even I don't believe it.
Ashley: [to Carlton & Hilary] Sss!

Quote from Will

Will: Oh, man. You know, Monique I've never said this to a girl before, but... [As Carlton and Hilary stand on the stairs, Hilary mimes what Will's saying] Oh, baby, you all that and a bag of chips!
Monique: Oh, Will, am I?
Will: Hey, I'm lying, I'm dying, you know what I'm saying?
Monique: Oh, Will. [Ashley comes down the stairs]
Will: Hey, babe, I got to tell you, whatever it is that you serving...
Ashley: You better give me a double!
Will: I was just playing. You know how I be joking. I be joking. I wasn't being straight up with you. But I will now. [Geoffrey walks up behind the couch and mimes what Will's saying] Monique, I care about you, baby. I care about you so much. I couldn't trust myself to express my real feelings.

Quote from Will

Will: Man, something smells good. Oh, wait, that's me. Hey, y'all, check it out. I just tried on that new Michael Jackson cologne down at the mall.
Hilary: I don't smell anything.
Will: Oh, that's funny. It's a lot lighter than it was when I put it on.
Hilary: What are you doing wearing cologne anyway? You never wear cologne.
Ashley: He wants to smell good for Monique. They have a big date tonight.
Will: Yeah. Well, I figured, you know, y'all gonna be out the house and my man, G, here has the night off.
I figure Monique will come over, we'll go up to my room and six or seven hours later, we'll come back down again, you know what I'm saying? You don't know what I'm saying.

Quote from Geoffrey

Geoffrey: Miss Monique is here to see you.
Will: What's up, baby?
Monique: Hi, honey.
Geoffrey: Oh, if you need me, I'll be dodging winos at the bus station.

Quote from Will

Monique: Boy, you are pretty slick, Will Smith.
Will: And I ain't even oiled up yet, you know?
Monique: I think I should tell you, nothing turns me on more than a sense of humor.
Will: Really? Maybe you'd like to go upstairs and I could do my stand-up.
Monique: Now, why waste time going upstairs? See, this way whenever you pass the couch, you'll think of me.
Will: Maybe I could get some memories of you in the kitchen and the Jacuzzi, too.

Quote from Will

Carlton: Will. It's only 7:00. What are you doing up?
Will: Oh, man, look here, I've been up for hours, man. I swam like 20 laps in the pool, went down, shot some hoops, jogged around the track a half dozen times. Oh, I waxed your car for you, too.
Carlton: No nookie last night?
Will: Man, no nookie, no nothing, man. Look, see, I don't understand, man. She was here, everything was lovely and perfect then all of a sudden, she wasn't with it no more. I don't get it.

Quote from Will

Will: Baby, here we go. Over the threshold. Oh, look at this, a chair a nice drawer. Oh, but look what's over here, a bed.
Monique: Honey, wait. Slow it down. This is our wedding night.
Will: I know, I know, but we only got 18 hours left before checkout. These damn buttons. You got some scissors, girl?
Monique: Will, please, now, come on. Just give me a minute, okay? I want to put something special on for you.
And I promise it'll be worth the wait. Trust me. [exits]
Will: [to himself] Hey!

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