‘Best Laid Plans’
Season 3, Episode 17 - Aired February 1, 1993
Will wants to take things to the next level with his girlfriend Monique (Kim Fields), but she has more traditional views on sex before marriage.
Quote from Jazz
Jazz: We better get out of here, my brother. Any minute now that minister's going to realize his house ain't on fire.
Will: I don't believe this, Jazz, man, together we are invincible.
Jazz: Granted, my brother, we're good, but people can still see us.
Quote from Philip
Philip: I can't imagine what kind of excuse you could come up with. Do you have anything to say in your own defense?
Will: Nothing. It's shameful, Uncle Phil. I mean, here you are busting your hump trying to impart values and teach basic human decency and I turn around and do some mess like this.
Philip: I just don't get it, Will. I mean what is going on in that head of yours?
Will: I don't know, Uncle Phil. I'm out of control. Please stop me before I disobey again.
Philip: Don't you ever stop to think before you do these disgusting things?
Will: Of course, I do, Uncle Phil. Do you think I like being the way I am? I'm a victim. I'm a victim of my imagination. Help me.
Philip: Well all right, since you put it that way. I'm not going to punish you, Will.
Will: You know, that's radical, Uncle Phil, but it just might work.
Philip: I'm not going to punish you today, maybe not even tomorrow. You see, I need to think a long, long time about just what I'm going to do with you. I don't know, it might come to me in the middle of the night or maybe next week, or a few years from now. In the meantime, why don't you worry about it? Be afraid, Will. Be very afraid. [laughs maniacally]
[sometime later:]
Philip: [reading a book of Medieval Tortures] I've got it. Will!
Quote from Will
Will: Mirror, mirror on the wall, Jean-Claude Van Damn, I'm fine.
Quote from Philip
Philip: Look, Will, driving is serious business. Well, these days you got to think about safety. You never want to go for a ride in a car without your seat belt. And use your brakes. Don't floor it because then you throw a rod, you flood your carburetor, you crack your block. You understand what I'm saying?
Will: No, man.
Philip: No sex before marriage.
Will: Come on, Uncle Phil, this is the '90s, man.
Philip: Take a cold shower.
Will: I've been doing that since the '80s. It don't work no more.
Philip: Look, Will, I know I'm talking to teenage hormones from hell, but if you care about this young lady, you don't want to do anything to damage the relationship. And intimacy requires a real commitment.
Will: Uncle Phil, I'm saying, Uncle Phil. We both mens here, you know? We got ugly needs.
Philip: Will, you're a grown man. I can't watch you all the time. I'm just going to have to rely on you to do the right thing.
Quote from Carlton
Carlton: Will, Will, Will, you just don't understand women. When it comes to matters of the heart, you can't rush things. Give a girl time, she'll come around.
Will: Really? How long do you usually give them?
Carlton: Well, let's see, a week from Friday, it will be 18 years.
Quote from Philip
Will: Hey, look, Uncle Phil, check it out. Can I talk to you for a second?
Philip: Do you have to?
Will: Come on, Uncle Phil, this is serious, man. I need to talk to you about, um, cars.
Philip: Cars, you... Oh, cars! Yeah, well, I guess it is about time that you and I started talking about...
Both: Cars.
Philip: Oh, God, this car isn't in trouble, is it?
Will: Oh, no, no, no. Never been off the lot as far as I can tell.
Quote from Philip
Philip: Oh, what a day. If you guys don't mind it, I'm going to skip dinner and clear up some paperwork.
Vivian: Philip, remember we're going to go out to dinner?
Will: Yeah, remember?
Philip: Yeah, of course, I remember. I've been looking forward to it all day.
Vivian: So, where are we going?
Philip: To the restaurant. Le... Chez...
Will: Mc... Mc...
Philip: All right, Vivian, I forgot.
Quote from Philip
Geoffrey: Here you are, madam. I'm guessing they're not for me. I haven't put out in years.
Vivian: Oh, Philip, they're beautiful.
Philip: Let me. Hmm. "I'm looking forward to dinner tonight with the most beautiful woman in the world." I love you.
Vivian: Oh, Philip, you were teasing me. I love you, too.
Philip: Yes.
Vivian: Okay, let me just go freshen up. [exits]
Philip: Okay, baby. Love you.
Will: Uncle Phil, Trevor sent these flowers. They're for Hilary.
Philip: Not anymore.
Will: Uncle Phil, you lied to your woman. My man, give it up top.
Quote from Will
Will: Baby, what you doing?
Monique: Will, I can't do this. I better go.
Will: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Baby, what's the problem?
Monique: You really turn me on.
Will: What's the problem?
Monique: I don't know, Will. I really thought that I could handle all this but I can't, so we better stop.
Will: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Baby, some things just ain't that easy to stop.
Monique: I know, and it isn't that easy for me either but, Will, I want you. But I guess deep down inside I'm just an old-fashioned girl. I want to be married before I go all the way. You understand, don't you?
Will: Look, Monique, I'd love to talk, but there ain't no blood in my brain.
Quote from Jazz
Jazz: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to unite this couple in holy matrimony.