Jazz: We better get out of here, my brother. Any minute now that minister's going to realize his house ain't on fire.
Will: I don't believe this, Jazz, man, together we are invincible.
Jazz: Granted, my brother, we're good, but people can still see us.

Philip: I can't imagine what kind of excuse you could come up with. Do you have anything to say in your own defense?
Will: Nothing. It's shameful, Uncle Phil. I mean, here you are busting your hump trying to impart values and teach basic human decency and I turn around and do some mess like this.
Philip: I just don't get it, Will. I mean what is going on in that head of yours?
Will: I don't know, Uncle Phil. I'm out of control. Please stop me before I disobey again.
Philip: Don't you ever stop to think before you do these disgusting things?
Will: Of course, I do, Uncle Phil. Do you think I like being the way I am? I'm a victim. I'm a victim of my imagination. Help me.
Philip: Well all right, since you put it that way. I'm not going to punish you, Will.
Will: You know, that's radical, Uncle Phil, but it just might work.
Philip: I'm not going to punish you today, maybe not even tomorrow. You see, I need to think a long, long time about just what I'm going to do with you. I don't know, it might come to me in the middle of the night or maybe next week, or a few years from now. In the meantime, why don't you worry about it? Be afraid, Will. Be very afraid. [laughs maniacally]
[sometime later:]
Philip: [reading a book of Medieval Tortures] I've got it. Will!

Will: Mirror, mirror on the wall, Jean-Claude Van Damn, I'm fine.

Philip: Look, Will, driving is serious business. Well, these days you got to think about safety. You never want to go for a ride in a car without your seat belt. And use your brakes. Don't floor it because then you throw a rod, you flood your carburetor, you crack your block. You understand what I'm saying?
Will: No, man.
Philip: No sex before marriage.
Will: Come on, Uncle Phil, this is the '90s, man.
Philip: Take a cold shower.
Will: I've been doing that since the '80s. It don't work no more.
Philip: Look, Will, I know I'm talking to teenage hormones from hell, but if you care about this young lady, you don't want to do anything to damage the relationship. And intimacy requires a real commitment.
Will: Uncle Phil, I'm saying, Uncle Phil. We both mens here, you know? We got ugly needs.
Philip: Will, you're a grown man. I can't watch you all the time. I'm just going to have to rely on you to do the right thing.

Carlton: Will, Will, Will, you just don't understand women. When it comes to matters of the heart, you can't rush things. Give a girl time, she'll come around.
Will: Really? How long do you usually give them?
Carlton: Well, let's see, a week from Friday, it will be 18 years.

Will: Hey, look, Uncle Phil, check it out. Can I talk to you for a second?
Philip: Do you have to?
Will: Come on, Uncle Phil, this is serious, man. I need to talk to you about, um, cars.
Philip: Cars, you... Oh, cars! Yeah, well, I guess it is about time that you and I started talking about...
Both: Cars.
Philip: Oh, God, this car isn't in trouble, is it?
Will: Oh, no, no, no. Never been off the lot as far as I can tell.

Philip: Oh, what a day. If you guys don't mind it, I'm going to skip dinner and clear up some paperwork.
Vivian: Philip, remember we're going to go out to dinner?
Will: Yeah, remember?
Philip: Yeah, of course, I remember. I've been looking forward to it all day.
Vivian: So, where are we going?
Philip: To the restaurant. Le... Chez...
Will: Mc... Mc...
Philip: All right, Vivian, I forgot.

Geoffrey: Here you are, madam. I'm guessing they're not for me. I haven't put out in years.
Vivian: Oh, Philip, they're beautiful.
Philip: Let me. Hmm. "I'm looking forward to dinner tonight with the most beautiful woman in the world." I love you.
Vivian: Oh, Philip, you were teasing me. I love you, too.
Philip: Yes.
Vivian: Okay, let me just go freshen up. [exits]
Philip: Okay, baby. Love you.
Will: Uncle Phil, Trevor sent these flowers. They're for Hilary.
Philip: Not anymore.
Will: Uncle Phil, you lied to your woman. My man, give it up top.

Will: Baby, what you doing?
Monique: Will, I can't do this. I better go.
Will: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Baby, what's the problem?
Monique: You really turn me on.
Will: What's the problem?
Monique: I don't know, Will. I really thought that I could handle all this but I can't, so we better stop.
Will: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Baby, some things just ain't that easy to stop.
Monique: I know, and it isn't that easy for me either but, Will, I want you. But I guess deep down inside I'm just an old-fashioned girl. I want to be married before I go all the way. You understand, don't you?
Will: Look, Monique, I'd love to talk, but there ain't no blood in my brain.

Jazz: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to unite this couple in holy matrimony.