Ashley: Carlton, why are you wearing a suit? Is Daddy bringing home White people?

Will: You know, it's like the Rodney King videotape, you know? I just keep seeing it over, and over, and over again. And I ask myself, where did I fail him, you know? Where did we go wrong? [Philip & Vivian slap Will on the head]

Geoffrey: Your cheesecake, sir.
Philip: Thank you, Geoffrey. Geoffrey, would you get Carlton, please?
Geoffrey: Certainly, sir.
Philip: Thank you.
Geoffrey: Run, Geoffrey. Fetch, Geoffrey. Perhaps you'd like me to catch a Frisbee in my teeth?

Ashley: Boy, when Mom and Dad see this, somebody's gonna swing.
Geoffrey: Well, I can assure you, it won't be me. This time, the butler didn't do it, hasn't done it, and I'd be surprised if he even remembered how to do it.

Will: Oh, man, I mean, she can't just walk out on you like that. What if the kid is yours?
Carlton: He's not.
Will: Carlton, come on, just because the baby is cute doesn't mean you're not the father.
Carlton: I never slept with her. Look, since we're in a church, I feel the need to confess something. Please don't laugh. This is really hard for me to say. I'm a... I'm a... [mumbles]
Will: You a German?
Carlton: No. I'm a virgin.
Will: What?
Carlton: I'm a virgin!
Man: It's nice to know somebody still is.
Will: Hey, look, Carlton, man, I mean, I didn't know. I mean, hey, don't feel bad though. I mean, a lot of guys are you know, Germans.

Ashley: Carlton, a father? He won't even let Ken and Barbie sleep in the same shoebox.

Philip: Whose is that?
Cindy: He's mine.
Vivian: Oh, my goodness. He's adorable. Come here, sweetheart. Oh, my. What's his name?
Cindy: Carlton.
Philip: Oh, my God. Please tell me your father's first name is Carlton.
Will: [imitates buzzer] Sorry, wrong answer. Now, for those of you just tuning in to Name That Father, this little bundle of joy belongs to a young man who's seen Little Mermaid eight times.

Carlton: Will, I'm really gonna miss her.
Will: Where did she go?
Carlton: Back to her parents. When she called and told them she was going to marry me they came and got her.
Will: Hey, look, Carlton, man, they're wrong about you. You're a great guy, man. Hey, look, come on. Let's go home, so you can get in trouble. And don't worry about it, man. I mean one day the right girl's going to come along and, I mean, you won't be a German forever, you know?
Carlton: Good, 'cause I'm really looking forward to losing my accent.

Will: You and Cindy? I mean, come on. Hey, the longest relationship Carlton ever had was with last year's Ebony swimsuit issue.
Cindy: This isn't a joke. I mean, doesn't he look just like Carlton?
Will: Well, it looks like they wear the same size.

Vivian: Philip, I am never wearing a bathing suit again, as long as I live.
Philip: Now, honey, I'm sure the pool man didn't really mistake you for me.
Vivian: He called me Mr. Banks.
Philip: That's still no reason to hold his head underwater, sweetheart.