Will: Can we get back to moi, please? I got a part on that soap opera, Now and Forever.
Philip: Oh, please. They hired you, somebody who's never acted in his life, to star in a network TV show. Pppt.
Will: Well, it happens.

Derek: Ah, yes. I'm sorry it had to end this way, my dear. If only my little plot to frame you had worked.
Joan: You mean, you killed Carlos?
Will: No, that was me. That's right, I shot Carlos. And that's not all. I'm the one who shot J.R. too. And I shot the sheriff. But I did not shoot the deputy.
Joan: Do you ever wanna work in this town again? Painting portraits?
Will: No. But you see, I'm young and I'm restless. I only got one life to live... so I got to follow my guiding light and search for tomorrow.
Director: Follow him, camera four. I don't care if he goes to the commissary.
Will: Hey, who knows if I'll wind up living out the days of my life in a mansion in Dallas on the comer of Melrose Place drinking Falcon Crest out of a brown paper bag.
Joan: Royce, don't you care about anybody but yourself?
Will: Sure I do. I care about you. It's not because of those expensive clothes or your fancy jewelry. That big Zsa Zsa wig you be wearing. I love you for who you are. Who you really are. [removes wig] The bald and the beautiful.

Will: Y'all are not gonna believe what happened to me today. I've got some great news.
Philip: Ah, you're moving out?
Will: Even better.
Geoffrey: I'm moving out?

Hilary: Hey, you can't treat an actor like that. What do you think he is, a writer?

Will: Look, laugh if you want to but tomorrow, I'm coming out of my coma.
Ashley: You mean you're actually gonna speak?
Will: Right, I called all my boys in Philly. They're gonna watch it on a big-screen TV. I just hope that Sears lets them stay for the whole show.

Will: Wait till y'all see this thing, this is huge.
Carlton: If you xeroxed your butt again, I'm not interested.
Will: Uncle Phil, wait till you see this bill. Lisa spent $1,200 on a bed. I hope that thing comes with a canopy because at that price, it's the only roof we'll have over our heads.
Philip: Well, get used to it, Will. You're about to marry and you know how women are.
Vivian: No, Philip, how are we?
Philip: Fine. And you?
Will: Look, Uncle Phil, I'm telling you, it's not like Lisa to spend this kind of money. I'm telling you, she's possessed. It's like some evil force has taken over her mind. Something not of this Earth.
Hilary: [enters] Hi, everyone. Is Lisa here yet? We're going shopping again today.
Will: [Psycho theme] Ah!

Will: Do I play a convincing coma victim or what?
Geoffrey: Well, you're no Sunny Von Bulow.

Geoffrey: Interesting performance, Master William. I haven't seen such a disaster on the telly since they cancelled Manimal.

Will: Excuse me. Hey, what's up, bro? How you doing? Looking for my cousin, she works on the next set. She's the host of the Hilary Banks Show.
Security Guard: What's her name?
Will: Uh... Cleopatra Jones.
Security Guard: Cleopatra Jones.
Will: Brother, look, she's tall, light-skinned sister. She drives a red Maserati.
Security Guard: Oh, dag, that's your cousin? She's fine. She's right over there.
Will: Thank you.
Security Guard: Hey, tell Cleopatra Reggie said, "What's up?"

Will: Hey, Hil, what's up? Look, I'm in a little bit of a bind here. Now, I found Lisa's engagement ring, but I don't get paid until Thursday. I was wondering, could you lend me a couple of hundred for the deposit?
Hilary: I think I'm gonna faint. [giggles]
Will: All right, but while you're down, can I get some dough out your wallet?