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The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Geoffrey Cleans Up

216. Geoffrey Cleans Up

Aired January 20, 1992

Geoffrey falls for the woman next door who he believes to be a fellow housekeeper. Meanwhile, Carlton convinces Uncle Phil to wear a toupee.

Quote from Geoffrey

Geoffrey: [sings] I'm in the mood for love Simply because you're near me Funny but when you're near me I'm in the mood for love [talks] Dinner is served. Here are the condiments for your fish. Tartar sauce, dill sauce, lemon wedges and parsley butter.
Philip: Great. Where's the fish?
Geoffrey: Spoiling off the coast of Nova Scotia? I knew I forgot something. I'll see what else we have. [hums]
Hilary: Has Geoffrey been sniffing the 409?
Will: No, his nose is open.
Philip: Ah, that explains it. What the hell does that mean?
Ashley: Geoffrey's in love.
Geoffrey: No, Geoffrey is not. Would anyone care for a cocktail weenie? I guess I forgot to go to the grocery store.
Philip: Okay, anybody up for dinner at the club?
Will: Not bad. Got them all to myself. G, we got some of that squirt cheese?
Geoffrey: Who am I kidding? My nose is as open as a 7-Eleven.

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Quote from Geoffrey

Geoffrey: Master William, I'm talking about the difference in people's stations in life. I'm part of the working class. Karen is not.
Will: Okay, so, what if she was a housekeeper, right? And she just hit the number for like 25 mil? -And could you go out with her then?
Geoffrey: Certainly.
Will: All right. Now, what if she ain't have a dime to her name but she's the Queen of Zimbabwe. Could you take her out for a burger?
Geoffrey: It would be out of the question.
Will: Okay. Let's say that she was the daughter of an ambassador, right? But the honey, like, moonlighted as a topless dancer. Could you go out with her?
Geoffrey: I don't know, Master William. It isn't as if there's a list. It's just the way things are done in England.
Will: But we ain't in England.
Geoffrey: I knew that. Look, the point is... Ah... It's a question of... When it comes right down to it.
Will: You're pretty much full of it, G.
Geoffrey: Rather seems so. Thank you, Master William. I think it's time for me to go squeeze the Caruthers.

Quote from Carlton

Will: Hey, G, can you get me some water, man? Hold up, y'all missed it. It was great. It was the battle of the Abduls. Kareem versus Paula.
Carlton: Hey, don't make fun of Paula. She's the only woman short enough to be my wife.

Quote from Carlton

Philip: They had the nerve to say they wanted to be represented by someone younger. Hey, I'm young, I'm happening, I'm groovy.
Will: Why do I have the sudden urge to tie dye my drawers and go down to the hootenanny?
Carlton: Will, this is no time to joke. We may be talking about the end of life as we know it. Look, what if all Dad's clients figure out he's old? It's the domino theory. First he loses one client, then another, and another and the next thing you know, we're all working at Domino's.
Will: You'll fit right in. You're used to cutting the cheese.

Quote from Philip

Philip: Vivian, tell me something. Do you think I'm getting old?
Vivian: Oh, honey, that's just your imagination. Nobody thinks you're old.
Carlton: [enters] Dad, you know how everyone's saying you're old? Well, I've got something that's gonna make you look years younger. Philip Banks, this is your hair.
Philip: Carlton, I am not wearing a toupee.
Carlton: That's the problem. Now work with me on this. Your clients are going to be at that party Saturday night. You've got to show him a hipper, hairier Philip Banks.
[Carlton steps up on a chair so he can put the wig on Phil's head in front of a mirror]
Carlton: Say, is that Philip Banks, or Blair Underwood? [Vivian laughs] What do you think of this one, Dad?
Philip: I look like Little Richard, Attorney at Law.
Geoffrey: Dinner is served. Dinner is served. A wop-boppa-looba balop-bam-boom.
Vivian: [o.s.] Philip!
Philip: Combing. I'm coming.

Quote from Will

Carlton: Pardon my French, but ever since he stopped seeing Karen he's been one gloomy Gus.
Hilary: Why did they stop seeing each other anyway?
Will: Come on, Hilary, he'd be dating somebody with like a 1,000 times more money than him.
Hilary: What's your point?
Will: I don't know. See, Hilary, it's a man thing, you know. It's like she'd be taking him to expensive places and buying him clothes and giving him all kind of gifts and paying for everything. Damn, what is my point?

Quote from Will

Will: Whoa, is that G or Blind Lemon Pledge? G, can't let this honey and her money do this to you, man.
Geoffrey: It's much more complicated than that, Master William. Master William, have you ever had somebody come into your life and suddenly it's as if a door opens and everything goes from drab black and white to glorious color. And then just as suddenly, she's gone. The door slams in your face, and you're left standing alone in the dark. That's how I feel without Karen.
Will: Man, G. That's the saddest thing I ever heard.
[Will puts on the shades and starts playing the harmonica]
Will: [sings] My butler is black My butler is blue 'Cause his honey got green Comin' out her wazoo

Quote from Will

Will: Yo, G, what are you doing, man?
Geoffrey: Sweeping up some leaves.
Will: But there ain't no leaves, G. Hey, you see leaves, I see leaves, man.
Geoffrey: All right. I was trying to catch a glimpse of Karen.
Will: Why don't you just go over there and knock on the door, man?
Geoffrey: Impossible.
Will: Why, G? Look it's obvious you crazy about her, man, and she's crazy about you. What difference does it make if she's richer than a bus load of Japanese tourists?
Geoffrey: It's not about money, Master William. It's about class.
Will: Class? Who got more class than you? You wear a tux to clean the toilet.

Quote from Hilary

Hilary: Geoffrey, I need some Tylenol and a cold cloth for my head. Work sucks. But you already know that, don't you?

Quote from Will

Carlton: Dad, if you want to play hardball with the movers and shakers you've got to get up first thing in the morning, head out and buy yourself some stone washed jeans.
Will: You know, that's a good idea, Carlton. All that denim will take his clients' eyes off his bald spot.
Philip: I have no problem being bald.
Carlton: Yeah, there's nothing wrong with a receding hairline.
Will: That's more like a hair cul-de-sac.
Vivian: Oh, this is ridiculous. Besides baldness is dignified.
Will: Yeah, it's also hereditary.
Carlton: Aah!

Quote from Geoffrey

Karen: I don't mean to interrupt, but I'm Karen from across the street.
Geoffrey: [inner monologue] Hot diggity dog, where have you been all my life? [out loud] You're from the Geller's? I'm Geoffrey, the Banks' butler. May I help you?
Karen: [inner monologue] That's not all you can do, Mr. French. [out loud] I was wondering if you could lend me a cup of Lysol?
Geoffrey: Where's the regular housekeeper, Rose? [inner monologue] Like I give a damn.
Karen: She's on vacation. [inner monologue] Like I give a damn. [out loud] Anyway, I dropped some jam on the parquet floor.
Geoffrey: If I may be so bold, you might try liquid wax and a very fine steel wool.
Karen: I haven't met a man who knew so much about cleaning since my late husband.
Geoffrey: Late? I'm so sorry. [inner monologue] Ya-hoo! [out loud] Would you care to join me for some tea?
Karen: Well, perhaps I could have one cup. Ooh, the croissants look good. [inner monologue] And your buns aren't bad either.
Geoffrey: [inner monologue] Nice buns. [out loud] Buns?
Karen: You read my mind.

Quote from Geoffrey

Karen: Well, I guess I better be getting back.
Geoffrey: Let me know if you need anything. Dust rags, furniture wax, a massage. [inner monologue] My God.
I hope I didn't say that out loud.
Karen: Thank you, Geoffrey. Thanks for the tea. [exits]
Will: Looks like G just got busy, English style.
Geoffrey: She's a fellow domestic, nothing more.
Will: G, you're wiping the table with a croissant, man.

Quote from Geoffrey

Will: G, I don't understand why. Just pick up the phone and ask her out.
Geoffrey: I wouldn't know what to say. Karen is different. She's so cultured, she's so refined. She can read.
Will: Look, G, it's not what you say, it's what you don't say. All right, whatever you do, don't tell her you like her. Whatever you do, don't tell her that you want to go out with her. You know, and whatever you do, don't ever say the "P" word.
Geoffrey: The "P" word?
Will: Yeah, "please." If you ain't Barry White, you ain't got to beg.
Geoffrey: [on the phone] Hello? Karen, this is Geoffrey. I just wanted to tell you how much I like you.
Will: No, G, no.
Geoffrey: You are the most charming and beautiful woman I've met in a very long time.
Will: No, G. What? No, G.
Geoffrey: And I'd be honored if you'd go out with me this evening, please. [Will groans] Wonderful. I'll pick you up at 8:00. Goodbye.

Quote from Geoffrey

Geoffrey: This evening was so special.
Karen: It was perfect. Chopin under the stars, candlelit dinner and then the carousel at the pier.
Geoffrey: I can't remember when I've had such a good time.
Karen: I don't think I ever have.
Geoffrey: It's nice to meet someone with similar interests within one's own station. The last housekeeper I dated turned up in a T-shirt that said "Loose Booty."
Karen: Uh, speaking of being a housekeeper, l need to tell you something.
Geoffrey: And I need to tell you something. I want to take you in my arms like a load of fresh laundry hot from the dryer.
Karen: Then what are you waiting for?

Quote from Geoffrey

Sandford: Geoffrey.
Geoffrey: Sandford. This is very awkward.
Sandford: I'm surprised at you.
Geoffrey: Don't be too hard on her.
Sandford: I mean you, Geoffrey. Good evening, madam.
Geoffrey: Madam? But aren't you the housekeeper?
Sandford: Housekeeper? This is Karen Caruthers, heiress to the Caruthers toilet tissue empire.
Karen: That's me, you know, please, don't squeeze the Caruthers.
Geoffrey: I assure you. Had I known, I wouldn't have. Goodnight, madam.

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