Adrian Monk: Just hurry! It's on Harrison Street. Called the Bay City Cafe.
Delivery Guy: You mind telling us what's going on?
Adrian Monk: Gully was right. It's a different city after dark.
Delivery Guy: Who's Gully?
Adrian Monk: He's the guy who stole my wallet. I learned a lot from him. Here's what happened. Nothing I saw was real. It was all a con game. There were three of them. Grifters looking for an easy mark. And they found one. A coin dealer named Jacob Posner. Posner thought he was buying drugs. But it was all a show for his benefit. They wanted Posner to think that he was in serious trouble. They told Posner they could cover it up and make it all go away. For a price. They were all in on it. The drug dealer, the so-called cop, and the waitress, Zena Davis. They only had a few minutes, but it was enough time to clean up all the blood before I got back. Posner thought he was paying them hush money. He gave them dozens of coins. Rare coins, they must've been worth a fortune. He had no idea he'd been conned until later, when we showed up. We mentioned that the dead cop was, in fact, alive and well, and we just had seen him at the train station. Posner realized he'd been conned. He didn't take it very well.
Delivery Guy: That's a hell of a story. I guess I'll be reading all about it tomorrow night. Here we are.

Adrian Monk: Hey, hey!
Delivery Guy: Poindexter?
Adrian Monk: I need a ride. Police emergency.
Delivery Guy: Are you a cop?
Adrian Monk: I'm an ex-cop. It's an ex-police emergency.

Home Shopping Salesperson: [on TV] Next we have this set of porcelain figurines. Can we get a close-up of these? Aren't they exquisite? Now, this is a limited edition, So, once their gone, they're gone. Oh, we have a call! Hi, what is your name and where are you calling from?
Adrian Monk: My name is Adrian. I'm calling from San Francisco.
Home Shopping Salesperson: Hello, Adrian. Welcome to the Shopper's Network. Are you buying these figurines for yourself?
Adrian Monk: Uh, I wonder if you could do me a favor. The panda on the end is a little crooked. If you could just rotate it slightly. About 15 degrees.
Home Shopping Salesperson: The panda? Well, if it's that important to you.
Adrian Monk: Thank you.
Home Shopping Salesperson: Mm-Hmm. Well, Adrian, now that you see them all lined up, would you like to order a set?
Adrian Monk: Mmm, no, I've seen them cheaper all over. I do have a question about the giraffe though. Does his head look symmetrical to you? I mean, look at it.
Home Shopping Salesperson: Brian, who is this guy?
Adrian Monk: I'm sorry, I can't sleep. Help me.
Home Shopping Salesperson: Okay, well, thank you for calling in, sir. These lovely figurines each is hand crafted, but there are only a few hundred left. So... Oh! Here's another call.
Man: [o.s. on TV] It's the same guy.
Home Shopping Salesperson: Don't answer it.

Natalie: [answers phone] Hello?
Adrian Monk: Ah, thank God you're awake.
Natalie: Mr. Monk?
Adrian Monk: I couldn't sleep either. Can you get over here?
Natalie: Oh! I can't, I'm sorry, um, Julie's sick. She's got 101.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, that's pretty serious. Be sure you bundle her up before you put her in the car.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, I'm not coming over. Is this about the woman that you saw?
Adrian Monk: I keep thinking about her. Natalie, I think I'm going crazy.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, you just need to get out of the house, you know, go someplace. Take a walk.
Adrian Monk: A walk.
Natalie: Yeah, that's what I do when I can't sleep. A little exercise, some fresh air.
Adrian Monk: Where would I go?
Natalie: Oh, it doesn't matter, anywhere. Just head south.
Adrian Monk: If I headed north, I could swing by your place.
Natalie: Mm. I would head south.

Dr. Kroger: It's fascinating.
Adrian Monk: Yes, isn't it? Isn't it fascinating? I'm so glad you're intrigued. Who is she?! Why is she haunting me?
Dr. Kroger: I don't know.
Adrian Monk: Well, think!
Dr. Kroger: I don't know.
Adrian Monk: Were you really thinking?
Dr. Kroger: Yes, I was really thinking, but Adrian, I think maybe you find her attractive, and this could be a very healthy sign.
Adrian Monk: Maybe. [closes eyes] No, that's not it.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Boy, I'm surprised you're still standing. Look, listen, this is what you're gonna do. Listen to Dr. Stottlemeyer.
Adrian Monk: Who's Dr. Stottlemeyer?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm Dr. Stottlemeyer. You're gonna go to a bar down on Pearl Street. It's near the bridge.
It's called Pastor's Tavern. You're gonna order one shot. A single malt scotch.
Adrian Monk: I don't drink.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You're drinking tonight. Now, listen, there's a big fish tank behind the bar with one little fish. You're gonna watch that little fishy swim round and round, you're gonna watch the bubbles go up. And you're gonna drink your scotch. And then you're gonna go home, and you're gonna go to sleep.
Adrian Monk: You think it'll work?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Works for me every time without fail.
Adrian Monk: I don't know.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, I do. Sweet dreams, Monk. Call me when you wake up.

Bartender: What can I get you?
Adrian Monk: One shot. Single malt.
Bartender: Want that neat?
Adrian Monk: Yes, neat, please. Very neat.
Bartender: You know what "neat" means?
Adrian Monk: No.

Adrian Monk: Look! Rare coin cases. Collectors use these. And check this out. "Jacob Posner" "J.P."
Lieutenant Disher: J.P.?
Adrian Monk: Remember, the money clip from the restaurant. Same initials.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, there've gotta be a million guys with these same initials.
Adrian Monk: Okay, what was he doing with all these coins?
Captain Stottlemeyer: What coins? You were standing way the hell over there, right? H- How could you see what he was throwing out? At least we should check this place out. How long can that take? Ten minutes, right?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Why not?
Adrian Monk: Okay, good.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm already awake. Let's go. Should we take my car or, uh your invisible plane?
Lieutenant Disher: That's Wonder Woman.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh. Well, uh, maybe we can borrow it. Why don't you give her a call?

Captain Stottlemeyer: There it is, your basic coin shop.
Adrian Monk: That's the guy! That's the guy.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk!
Adrian Monk: No, no, I mean, that's the other guy. He was there too.
Lieutenant Disher: Monk, what are you doing?
Adrian Monk: He lives in the back. We could talk to him.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, I'm sure he'll be here in the morning, Monk. I would- I would really like to go home,
and I'm sure Randy would like to get back to Gotham city.
Lieutenant Disher: That's Batman. I live in New York. Uh, he- He does.

Security Guard: I'm in stairwell 4. There's been a shooting. I need a crime scene unit and some paramedics.
[Monk crosses the barricade and grabs a broom from a cleaning trolley]
Woman: What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: Trust me. This guy's been doing this all night. [poking the body] Hello! Rise and shine. Come on, Mr. Lee, show's over.
Security Guard: Sir, please don't do that. Just step back, okay?
Adrian Monk: He's not dead. He can't be. Come on.
Security Guard: Sir! Please, sir, don't do that.
Adrian Monk: He's acting. Hey! Hume Cronyn, that's a wrap.
Security Guard: Mister, I'm not gonna ask you again. Now, believe me, he's dead. He's been shot at least three times. Looks like a .22 caliber.
Adrian Monk: A .22 caliber.