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‘Mr. Monk Is Up All Night’ Quotes

Monk: Mr. Monk Is Up All Night

609. Mr. Monk Is Up All Night

Aired September 14, 2007

As Monk obsesses about a woman he bumped into on the street, he spends a sleepless night walking around San Francisco, where he stumbles upon an apparent murder.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Just hurry! It's on Harrison Street. Called the Bay City Cafe.
Delivery Guy: You mind telling us what's going on?
Adrian Monk: Gully was right. It's a different city after dark.
Delivery Guy: Who's Gully?
Adrian Monk: He's the guy who stole my wallet. I learned a lot from him. Here's what happened. Nothing I saw was real. It was all a con game. There were three of them. Grifters looking for an easy mark. And they found one. A coin dealer named Jacob Posner. Posner thought he was buying drugs. But it was all a show for his benefit. They wanted Posner to think that he was in serious trouble. They told Posner they could cover it up and make it all go away. For a price. They were all in on it. The drug dealer, the so-called cop, and the waitress, Zena Davis. They only had a few minutes, but it was enough time to clean up all the blood before I got back. Posner thought he was paying them hush money. He gave them dozens of coins. Rare coins, they must've been worth a fortune. He had no idea he'd been conned until later, when we showed up. We mentioned that the dead cop was, in fact, alive and well, and we just had seen him at the train station. Posner realized he'd been conned. He didn't take it very well.
Delivery Guy: That's a hell of a story. I guess I'll be reading all about it tomorrow night. Here we are.

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Quote from Adrian Monk

Home Shopping Salesperson: [on TV] Next we have this set of porcelain figurines. Can we get a close-up of these? Aren't they exquisite? Now, this is a limited edition, So, once their gone, they're gone. Oh, we have a call! Hi, what is your name and where are you calling from?
Adrian Monk: My name is Adrian. I'm calling from San Francisco.
Home Shopping Salesperson: Hello, Adrian. Welcome to the Shopper's Network. Are you buying these figurines for yourself?
Adrian Monk: Uh, I wonder if you could do me a favor. The panda on the end is a little crooked. If you could just rotate it slightly. About 15 degrees.
Home Shopping Salesperson: The panda? Well, if it's that important to you.
Adrian Monk: Thank you.
Home Shopping Salesperson: Mm-Hmm. Well, Adrian, now that you see them all lined up, would you like to order a set?
Adrian Monk: Mmm, no, I've seen them cheaper all over. I do have a question about the giraffe though. Does his head look symmetrical to you? I mean, look at it.
Home Shopping Salesperson: Brian, who is this guy?
Adrian Monk: I'm sorry, I can't sleep. Help me.
Home Shopping Salesperson: Okay, well, thank you for calling in, sir. These lovely figurines each is hand crafted, but there are only a few hundred left. So... Oh! Here's another call.
Man: [o.s. on TV] It's the same guy.
Home Shopping Salesperson: Don't answer it.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Hey, hey!
Delivery Guy: Poindexter?
Adrian Monk: I need a ride. Police emergency.
Delivery Guy: Are you a cop?
Adrian Monk: I'm an ex-cop. It's an ex-police emergency.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dr. Kroger: It's fascinating.
Adrian Monk: Yes, isn't it? Isn't it fascinating? I'm so glad you're intrigued. Who is she?! Why is she haunting me?
Dr. Kroger: I don't know.
Adrian Monk: Well, think!
Dr. Kroger: I don't know.
Adrian Monk: Were you really thinking?
Dr. Kroger: Yes, I was really thinking, but Adrian, I think maybe you find her attractive, and this could be a very healthy sign.
Adrian Monk: Maybe. [closes eyes] No, that's not it.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: [answers phone] Hello?
Adrian Monk: Ah, thank God you're awake.
Natalie: Mr. Monk?
Adrian Monk: I couldn't sleep either. Can you get over here?
Natalie: Oh! I can't, I'm sorry, um, Julie's sick. She's got 101.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, that's pretty serious. Be sure you bundle her up before you put her in the car.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, I'm not coming over. Is this about the woman that you saw?
Adrian Monk: I keep thinking about her. Natalie, I think I'm going crazy.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, you just need to get out of the house, you know, go someplace. Take a walk.
Adrian Monk: A walk.
Natalie: Yeah, that's what I do when I can't sleep. A little exercise, some fresh air.
Adrian Monk: Where would I go?
Natalie: Oh, it doesn't matter, anywhere. Just head south.
Adrian Monk: If I headed north, I could swing by your place.
Natalie: Mm. I would head south.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Boy, I'm surprised you're still standing. Look, listen, this is what you're gonna do. Listen to Dr. Stottlemeyer.
Adrian Monk: Who's Dr. Stottlemeyer?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm Dr. Stottlemeyer. You're gonna go to a bar down on Pearl Street. It's near the bridge.
It's called Pastor's Tavern. You're gonna order one shot. A single malt scotch.
Adrian Monk: I don't drink.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You're drinking tonight. Now, listen, there's a big fish tank behind the bar with one little fish. You're gonna watch that little fishy swim round and round, you're gonna watch the bubbles go up. And you're gonna drink your scotch. And then you're gonna go home, and you're gonna go to sleep.
Adrian Monk: You think it'll work?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Works for me every time without fail.
Adrian Monk: I don't know.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, I do. Sweet dreams, Monk. Call me when you wake up.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Bartender: What can I get you?
Adrian Monk: One shot. Single malt.
Bartender: Want that neat?
Adrian Monk: Yes, neat, please. Very neat.
Bartender: You know what "neat" means?
Adrian Monk: No.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Adrian Monk: Look! Rare coin cases. Collectors use these. And check this out. "Jacob Posner" "J.P."
Lieutenant Disher: J.P.?
Adrian Monk: Remember, the money clip from the restaurant. Same initials.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, there've gotta be a million guys with these same initials.
Adrian Monk: Okay, what was he doing with all these coins?
Captain Stottlemeyer: What coins? You were standing way the hell over there, right? H- How could you see what he was throwing out? At least we should check this place out. How long can that take? Ten minutes, right?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Why not?
Adrian Monk: Okay, good.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm already awake. Let's go. Should we take my car or, uh your invisible plane?
Lieutenant Disher: That's Wonder Woman.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh. Well, uh, maybe we can borrow it. Why don't you give her a call?

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: There it is, your basic coin shop.
Adrian Monk: That's the guy! That's the guy.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk!
Adrian Monk: No, no, I mean, that's the other guy. He was there too.
Lieutenant Disher: Monk, what are you doing?
Adrian Monk: He lives in the back. We could talk to him.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, I'm sure he'll be here in the morning, Monk. I would- I would really like to go home,
and I'm sure Randy would like to get back to Gotham city.
Lieutenant Disher: That's Batman. I live in New York. Uh, he- He does.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Security Guard: I'm in stairwell 4. There's been a shooting. I need a crime scene unit and some paramedics.
[Monk crosses the barricade and grabs a broom from a cleaning trolley]
Woman: What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: Trust me. This guy's been doing this all night. [poking the body] Hello! Rise and shine. Come on, Mr. Lee, show's over.
Security Guard: Sir, please don't do that. Just step back, okay?
Adrian Monk: He's not dead. He can't be. Come on.
Security Guard: Sir! Please, sir, don't do that.
Adrian Monk: He's acting. Hey! Hume Cronyn, that's a wrap.
Security Guard: Mister, I'm not gonna ask you again. Now, believe me, he's dead. He's been shot at least three times. Looks like a .22 caliber.
Adrian Monk: A .22 caliber.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Maria Cordova: Excuse me! Somebody owes me $10.
Adrian Monk: Maria!
Maria Cordova: Do I know you?
Adrian Monk: I've been looking for you all night.
Maria Cordova: For me? Why?
Adrian Monk: I don't know why. I mean, I don't know.
Adrian Monk: [notices her tattoo] "12-14-97"? Oh, God, that's the day my wife died.
Maria Cordova: It was the day my wife died. That's the day I was reborn. At least that's how it felt. I had a disease. Retinitis pigmentosa. I was going blind. And then-
Adrian Monk: And you had a cornea transplant. From Trudy?
Maria Cordova: That's right. Trudy Monk.
Adrian Monk: My wife.
Maria Cordova: I have her corneas.
Adrian Monk: Trudy's eyes.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dr. Kroger: An Hispanic woman? How old?
Adrian Monk: 40, maybe 45.
Dr. Kroger: And you didn't recognize her?
Adrian Monk: Never seen her before in my life.
Dr. Kroger: Well, Adrian, you know, you can't be sure of that, because nobody could possibly remember all of the people that they- [Monk looks at Dr. Kroger] Okay, I'm sorry. You never saw her before. But maybe she reminded you of someone from an old case. [Monk shakes his head] Adrian, it had to be something. You had a visceral reaction to her. You chased the woman for two blocks. You all right?
Adrian Monk: Tired. I haven't slept.
Dr. Kroger: You haven't slept since when?
Adrian Monk: Three days.
Dr. Kroger: Three days is Friday, the day that you saw this woman.
Adrian Monk: I just can't sleep. When I close my eyes, I see her. All I can see is her face.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dr. Kroger: All right, Adrian, you can't go on this way. You're going to have to get some sleep. There are mild sedatives-
Adrian Monk: No. No pills.
Dr. Kroger: There's nothing else I can really say.
Adrian Monk: Does anyone ever die from insomnia?
Dr. Kroger: Nah.
Adrian Monk: So I would be the first?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Gully: Goldfish. You know they have absolutely no memory? Every time that little fella takes a lap around that tank, it's like he's seeing it for the first time.
Adrian Monk: Bet you wish you were in there with him. You could cheat him out of all of his money, he'd never catch on.
Gully: Oh, buddy, I'm in there with him.
Adrian Monk: You're a con man.
Gully: Hey, it's 2:00 in the morning in the big city. Everyone you meet at this hour is on the grift, right? Big con, little con, everybody's playing the angles.
Adrian Monk: Yeah.
Gully: Not thirsty?
Adrian Monk: Not much of a drinker.
Gully: Yeah, me neither. I just can't think of a better way to get all this alcohol into my body. Barkeep, can I have a G&T, please? Name's Gulliver. Oh. "Gully" to my friends.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Adrian. So that's what you do? You just go around cheating kids out of their allowance?
Gully: Hey, cheapest lesson that kid'll ever learn. Don't worry, I'm not gonna pull any of that stuff with you. No, you're an adult. You've been around, I can tell.
Adrian Monk: Well, that's right.
Gully: You've seen things.
Adrian Monk: That's right.
Gully: Yep, you probably don't even bet or gamble. You're straight edge.
Adrian Monk: [chokes on drink] That's- That's right.
Gully: If you were ever to bet, It would have to be a sure thing.
Adrian Monk: That's right.
Gully: For instance, If I were to say, "Hey, let's you and me play a little poker," You'd say, "No way."
Adrian Monk: Yeah, that's right.
Gully: But on the other hand, if I were to say, "I bet I know where you got your shoes," Now, that might give you pause. Now, that's a bet you just might take. You don't know me. Right? We've never seen each other before.
There's no way I know where you got your shoes.
Adrian Monk: Exactly.
Gully: How much?
Adrian Monk: What?
Gully: I'll bet you 50 bucks I can tell where you got your shoes.
Adrian Monk: Where I got these shoes?
Gully: Mm-hmm.
Adrian Monk: These shoes?
Gully: Yeah.
Adrian Monk: The ones I'm wearing?
Gully: Mm-hmm.
Adrian Monk: Okay. You're on.
Gully: You got those shoes on your feet.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, there's something you never knew about me. I like to sleep. I like to get into bed nd not get out of bed until I wake up.
Lieutenant Disher: His name is William Lee, and he's been here all night.
Adrian Monk: No.
Lieutenant Disher: He's taking the train in the morning. To visit his brother in Portland. Mr. Lee says that he's not an undercover cop, and he's never been to the Bay Street Cafe.
Adrian Monk: Well.
Lieutenant Disher: He also says he's never been shot four times.
Adrian Monk: He's lying.
Captain Stottlemeyer: About what, Monk? In my experience, a person that's been shot four times Is pretty forthcoming about it.
Lieutenant Disher: Monk, I called it in, he checks out.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Captain Stottlemeyer: What are you wearing? Your PJs?
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, I was sleeping.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What is that, a picture? Lemme see. Lemme see. [chuckles] Captain America.
Lieutenant Disher: It's ironic.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, if it's ironic, why are you trying to hide it?
Lieutenant Disher: It adds to the irony. You know what? Just forget about it. You wouldn't understand
It's a Gen X thing.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh.
Adrian Monk: Captain!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Uh, which one?

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Captain Stottlemeyer: Do these belong to you?
Jacob Posner: Yeah. Well, I mean, they used to. I sold them. This is a coin shop. That's what I do. What's with the, uh- [notices Disher's pajamas]
Lieutenant Disher: We'll ask the questions here, Mr. Posner.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: Oh, hey, the dime. What do you think?
Jacob Posner: It might be worth a million dollars.
Lieutenant Disher: Really?
Jacob Posner: If you use it to scratch off a winning lottery ticket.


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