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‘Mr. Monk and the Billionaire Mugger’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Monk: Mr. Monk and the Billionaire Mugger

107. Mr. Monk and the Billionaire Mugger

Aired August 16, 2002

Monk investigates the fatal shooting of a mugger who turns out to be a tech billionaire. Meanwhile, Sharona quits after Monk fails to pay her.

Quote from Sharona

Sharona: Why did you ask about his glasses?
Adrian Monk: So I could tell which photographs were the most recent. There are about 200 pictures in that room. They documented everything.
Sharona: And?
Adrian Monk: No bungee jumping. No skydiving. The most exciting thing Sidney Teal's done in the last two years is go to Disneyland.
Sharona: Not exactly Batman.
Adrian Monk: This guy? He was... What's the opposite of Batman?
Sharona: You are.

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Quote from Sharona

Willis: Look, truth is, I'll be out of a job soon, so if you're looking for a driver, let me know. Hey, is he a good boss?
Sharona: Well, my last paycheck bounced. I can't take a vacation because he can't live without me. And two nights ago, he called me at 4:00 a.m because he saw a cockroach.
Adrian Monk: It was pretty big.
Sharona: Yeah.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Captain Stottlemeyer: You just missed the deputy commissioner. Guess what he wanted to talk about? Murder rates sparking? The Sidney Teal investigation? No. All he wanted to know was what we're doing about the runaway cop.
Lieutenant Disher: Fraidy Cop.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Excuse me?
Lieutenant Disher: That's what they're calling him. We, uh, sort of pieced together the route he took. Uh, I don't know. Okay. After the shooting, three people saw him running west towards the park here, and on 19th, here, he flagged down a taxi.
Captain Stottlemeyer: He took a taxi?
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, it gets worse. He, uh, threw up in the backseat. But we did get his blood type from the vomit. The taxi then, uh, dropped him off at a bar upon Geary Street there, where he sat in a booth at the back, apparently drinking bourbon and crying.
Captain Stottlemeyer: He was crying? Oh, dear Lord.
Lieutenant Disher: About midnight, an older woman in a brown station wagon was seen picking him up. Possibly his mother.
Captain Stottlemeyer: He called his mom?
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, that son of a bitch better hope I don't find him first.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: I never had to think about money. Trudy used to pay all the bills.
Dr. Kroger: While we're on that subject, there-there is something that-that I have to say.
Adrian Monk: Oh? Now, you see, this can't be good.
Dr. Kroger: Well, no. The- The- The- The fact is that, um, you see, I haven't been paid for the past nine weeks, nine sessions. Now, that's a lot of money.
Adrian Monk: Oh, my God. You're gonna leave me too.
Dr. Kroger: No, no, no. I did not say that, Adrian.
Adrian Monk: I'm gonna be all alone. What a time to be me.
Dr. Kroger: Adrian, I promise you, no one is leaving you.
Adrian Monk: Sharona did.
Dr. Kroger: Are- Are- Are you okay?
Adrian Monk: I hate owing you money. I just- I just hate it. Listen, until until we get squared away, I'm gonna have to start seeing you twice a week. [Dr. Kroger reluctantly nods]

Quote from Sharona

Adrian Monk: They were in it together, Captain. I'll tell you what troubled me from the very beginning the knee pads and the elbow pads. When your husband left that night, he wasn't planning to mug anyone and he wasn't planning to kill anyone. He was just going out to have a little fun. Maybe roll around on the ground. He thought he was gonna help you impress your date, Mr. Modine.
Archie Modine: That's ridiculous.
Sharona: Is it? You did it before 20 years ago. He wrote about it in his book. Back in college, Sidney had a big date with Angie DeLuca. He wasn't much of a ladies'man, and he was trying to impress her.
Adrian Monk: So the two of you cooked up a plan.
Sharona: Yep, you cooked up a plan.
Adrian Monk: Would you like to tell it?
Sharona: No, no, no, no. You're-You're-You're-You're better at telling it.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, but go ahead. You can tell it.
Sharona: No. You tell it. I'll tell it next time.
Captain Stottlemeyer: For God sakes, somebody tell it.

Quote from Sharona

Sharona: Do you have any idea how hard it is to be a single parent?
Adrian Monk: Um, no.
Sharona: My paycheck bounced, Adrian.
Adrian Monk: The lamp...
Sharona: What are you gonna do about it?
Adrian Monk: Guess I'll just have to sweep it up.
Sharona: No, I'm talking about the money. I thought Leo Otterman paid us.
Adrian Monk: He gave me an I.O.U. He said he was a little short.
Sharona: No, no, no, no. Leo Otterman is not a little short. We just recovered one of his Picasso paintings that is worth over $2 million.
Adrian Monk: He said that he wasn't liquid or whatever. He had some cash flow thing.
Sharona: Adrian, this is a business with clients and expenses. I know money doesn't matter on Planet Monk, but I have a kid that expects three meals a day and sometimes gets sick. If you miss another paycheck, I'm quitting. This is very important, so I'm gonna say it again. If you miss one more paycheck, I'm quitting.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: He certainly had a lot of friends.
Mrs. Butterworth: It's been overwhelming. These are from Bill Gates. Those are from the governor. And look at all these letters. [Monk picks out a rose] Excuse me. What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: This one was sticking up. You'll thank me later. [grabs a pair of scissors] How long have you worked for Mr. Teal?
Mrs. Butterworth: I was with him from the beginning the very beginning, when he was working out of his garage. He was probably happier there. We only had two phone lines. We had to fill all the orders ourselves. That's his autobiography. You can have one. Sidney loved signing them for people. Now what are you doing?
Adrian Monk: I made that one too short, so now I have to cut the others. Make 'em all even. I'm sure you understand.

Quote from Sharona

Adrian Monk: Speaking of money... Whoa!
Sharona: We are in the wrong business. Not just us. Everybody in the world, except this guy, is in the wrong business.

Quote from Sharona

Adrian Monk: What do we owe you?
Willis: You want to thank me? Find out what happened to my boss. You know, it's funny. Mr. Teal had it all. More money than God, a beautiful wife. But he was the loneliest man in the world. I was the chauffeur, and I felt sorry for him.
Sharona: You felt sorry for your boss? I can only imagine what that would feel like.
Adrian Monk: Get in the car.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: What about this one?
Adrian Monk: Nah. The other one was silver and it swiveled.
Sharona: You don't have to buy the exact same lamp.
Adrian Monk: What do you mean?
Sharona: You could buy a different lamp.
Adrian Monk: Different lamp?
Sharona: Yeah. Adrian, what about this one? This is great.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, but it's not silver. The other one was sliver.
Sharona: It's just a lamp. If you were blindfolded, you wouldn't know the difference.
Adrian Monk: If I was blindfolded, why would I need a lamp?
Sharona: Okay, that was a bad example.

Quote from Sharona

Sharona: Look, they're all basically the same. What about this one? This is great.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, but it doesn't swivel. The other one swiveled.
Sharona: I think you should try something different for a change. They probably don't even make your stupid lamp anymore.
Adrian Monk: What do you mean?
Sharona: Maybe it's been discontinued.
Adrian Monk: Discontinued?
Sharona: Why don't you buy a lamp factory and make your own? It'd only cost you $500,000, but at least you'd have your precious lamp.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: You're buying three?
Adrian Monk: Two are backups. Why don't you fill out an application?
Sharona: Maybe I will.
Cashier: $95.75.
Adrian Monk: [to Sharona] Would you mind? I'll pay you back.
Sharona: Where's your wallet?
Adrian Monk: I'm having it, you know, buffed.

Quote from Sharona

Sharona: Here's our invoice for the Teal case. We'd like to get paid.
Lieutenant Disher: Don't you usually just mail this in?
Sharona: We're in a rush.
Lieutenant Disher: A little short, huh?
Sharona: Yeah. So are you.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dr. Kroger: A drive-by shooting? Do they have any leads?
Adrian Monk: Nothing on the bullets. They found the car a few blocks away. Stolen. A hundred percent clean. No prints.
Dr. Kroger: You know, you- You- You don't seem very upset.
Adrian Monk: Well, it means I'm making someone very uneasy, and that's not such a bad thing.
Dr. Kroger: Well, Sh-Sharona must have been terrified.
Adrian Monk: She quit. We had an argument about money. She took a job at a lamp store on Prospect Street. She'd rather sell lamps than work for me. Let me ask you something. Two weeks ago, she bought me this mug, it said "World's Greatest Boss." Are you allowed to do that buy someone a mug and then just quit?
Dr. Kroger: See, I don't think mugs are legally binding, Adrian.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Archie Modine: That is one hell of a story, Mr. Monk, if you could prove it.
Adrian Monk: He always went the extra mile. That night, your pal Sidney had a little surprise of his own.
Archie Modine: Really?
Adrian Monk: Yes, sir. You see, he'd hired an actor to pose as a cop. So after you scared off the mugger, the cop was going to run up and commend you for your heroism.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, my God.
Lieutenant Disher: Fraidy Cop.
Adrian Monk: I'm afraid so. You see, Captain, I remembered what you'd said that no cop in your department would ever run from the scene of a crime. And it occurred to me, maybe Fraidy Cop wasn't a real cop.
Sharona: I checked all the local costume shops. There was only one cop uniform rented that night.
Adrian Monk: Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet Joseph Moratta. Very promising young actor.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You?
Adrian Monk: Joe wanted me to mention that he can be seen in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof at the Harris Webley Dinner Theater all next week.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Our perp is Sidney Teal.
Sharona: The computer guy?
Adrian Monk: Get out of town.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Take a look. That's what $5 billion looks like.
Adrian Monk: Get out of town. What in God's name was he doing?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I think maybe that this is how he got his kicks. I mean, that kind of money can make a person crazy.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I wouldn't know.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, right. Anyway, that's my theory. If you've got a better one, I'd really like to hear it.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: You know, this is insane.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, it's crazy. It gets crazier. Check this out. This guy's wearin' knee pads.
Adrian Monk: Knee pads?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, and he's got elbow pads.
Adrian Monk: Was he planning on going Rollerblading after?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Speed limit's 35.
Sharona: I am going 35.
Adrian Monk: 37. 38 now.
Sharona: Why couldn't you just hold out for the raise? I can't believe you folded like a cheap suit.
Adrian Monk: Tent. For the record, I folded like a cheap tent.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Mrs. Butterworth, do you have any idea what Sidney Teal was doing in that parking lot?
Mrs. Butterworth: No. I still can't believe it happened. I'm still in denial. Mugging somebody. For what? Maybe $40? Well, maybe he went crazy. Do you think that's possible, Mr. Monk? For a man to be normal one day and then suddenly go crazy?
Adrian Monk: Yes! I meant the... [points to flowers he was cutting]

Quote from Sharona

Sharona: Look, we need to get paid. I need cash. The stores in my neighborhood insist on money.
Adrian Monk: I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry. I can't. There's more to it.
Sharona: If you don't submit that invoice, I'm quitting. Now, I'm going to give you until three. [Monk goes to check his watch] No, not 3:00. I'm counting to three. One, two, three. Call me the minute you grow up.

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