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‘Mr. Monk and the Paperboy’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Monk: Mr. Monk and the Paperboy

210. Mr. Monk and the Paperboy

Aired January 16, 2004

When Monk's paperboy is murdered, he is convinced there's a story somebody doesn't want him to read.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dr. Kroger: Well, maybe what they're doing makes you think about Trudy, makes you miss Trudy. It's something we've never talked about, Adrian. Your physical relationship with your late wife.
Adrian Monk: I consider that a personal question.
Dr. Kroger: Yes, it is. That's what I do. I- I assume you and Trudy were intimate.
Adrian Monk: We held hands a lot. All the time. Once we woke up holding hands. We'd been holding hands the whole night.
Dr. Kroger: That's sweet. I like that. That's nice. But, Adrian, is there anything else besides the holding hands?
Adrian Monk: Ah, I think we're out of time.
Dr. Kroger: No. Plenty of time.
Adrian Monk: Are those pillows new?
Dr. Kroger: No.
Adrian Monk: They look... new.
Dr. Kroger: Adrian, I'm your doctor. I think this is important. Now, we've got 20 minutes left. We... We could sit here, we could sing show tunes to each other, or we can talk about your sex life. It's your call.
Adrian Monk: [sings] If ever I would leave you It wouldn't be in summer Seeing you in summer I never would go ... [singing continues] No, no, not in springtime Summer, winter or fall No, never would I leave you At all ... [checks watch, continues singing] If ever I would leave you It wouldn't be in summer

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Quote from Kevin Dorfman

Lieutenant Disher: Where do you live, Kevin?
Kevin Dorfman: I live upstairs.
Lieutenant Disher: Did you hear or see anything early this morning, say around 5:30?
Kevin Dorfman: No, sir, I did not. I was, you know, with someone.
Lieutenant Disher: Your girlfriend?
Kevin Dorfman: I guess so. Holy Toledo, I have a girlfriend.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, we're gonna need to question her too. How long have you lived upstairs?
Kevin Dorfman: Seven months. Before that, let's see, I lived at 12 Grant Street. Before that, 17 Minton Street with my sister until she moved to Baltimore because she had to take a new job.
Lieutenant Disher: Great. Thank you.
Kevin Dorfman: Before that, I lived at 34 Warren Place for two years. Before that, I lived at 8 Todd Road and 45 Radcliffe Street, consecutively. My first place, though, on 26 Armory Lane, that was a studio. But what I did was... You might want to write this down on a separate page for yourself. I put the bed up on a loft to create some space.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: The cousin can't identify the guy. Did you hear anything?
Adrian Monk: What time was that?
Captain Stottlemeyer: 5:30.
Adrian Monk: Oh, no. I wouldn't have heard a thing.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Sleeping?
Adrian Monk: No. I was vacuuming.

Quote from Kevin Dorfman

Kevin Dorfman: Hello? Uh, excuse me. Did something happen?
Lieutenant Disher: There's been a homicide.
Kevin Dorfman: A homicide? You mean a murder? Holy Toledo. Here?
Lieutenant Disher: Right out front, early this morning. Somebody killed the paperboy.
Kevin Dorfman: Holy Toledo.
Lieutenant Disher: And you are?
Kevin Dorfman: I'm Kevin Dorfman. "D" for dolly. "O" as in orange. "R" as in Robert.
Lieutenant Disher: Dorfman. Yeah, I got it.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: You think the killer's in there?
Adrian Monk: I'd bet your paycheck on it.
Sharona: I don't understand. Why was he stealing your paper?
Adrian Monk: Because he didn't want me to see these two articles. He knew I was the only one who could possibly see the connection between them.
Sharona: You're feeling pretty good about yourself, huh?
Adrian Monk: I'm allowed, once a decade.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Okay, comics. Maybe there's something hidden in here. Oh, Marmaduke. I love Marmaduke. He's this... He's a dog but he's enormous. Y-You can't believe how big this dog is.
Sharona: W-We know who Marmaduke is.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, look. He ate the whole turkey right off the table. "I guess we can forget about leftovers." [chuckles]

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Sharona: Ooh. The personals. Can you move your hand?
Lieutenant Disher: I already looked through that section. Nothing in it.
Sharona: [moves Disher's hand] "Man with a badge in hot pursuit of romance. I'm 32, fit, sexy, ambitious, with a dynamite sense of humor." Oh, my God. That's you!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Dynamite sense of humor? Since when?
Lieutenant Disher: Could I have that please?
Sharona: No. "Looking for a petite blonde, no nonsense attitude, kids okay." That's me.
Lieutenant Disher: Don't flatter yourself.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: Adrian, Adrian. Give it to me.
Adrian Monk: Ugh. Can I go home now?
Sharona: You are home.
Adrian Monk: Oh, yeah.
Sharona: Just relax. It's fine.
Detective: Oh, excuse me. Where's the bathroom?
Adrian Monk: I, uh I don't have one.
Detective: You don't have a bathroom?
Adrian Monk: Don't get me started. I am still so angry at that architect.

Quote from Kevin Dorfman

Sharona: [to Vicki] Oh, you work at the Stop-N-Go on Ridgedale, right?
Kevin Dorfman: That's how we met. That's how we met. Vicki's been serving me my doughnut and super-sized latte every morning for the past five months. Well, when we first met, I wasn't super-sizing. No. But then last July, I had to pull a couple of all-nighters because I was working on that new inventory diagnostic software. I told you about that job. You remember?
Sharona: Yes, you did. Mm-hmm.
Kevin Dorfman: But wait... It wasn't July, it was August.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: He's not the guy.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What? Monk, we got him dead to rights.
Adrian Monk: He is guilty of the hit-and-run, but he didn't kill the paperboy. He didn't know who I was. There is something else in this newspaper, something I'm missing. [notices the ink stains all over his hands] Ugh! Oh, my God! Oh, the humanity!
Sharona: [wiping Monk's hands] Yeah, you're stronger than me.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Uh, what are they doing here?
Sharona: What? It's a crime scene. There was a murder right out front.
Adrian Monk: But...
Sharona: They had to set up somewhere.
Adrian Monk: Hello! Excuse me! Don't touch that.
Man: Who are you talking to?
Adrian Monk: Everyone.

Quote from Kevin Dorfman

Lieutenant Disher: How long have you two been going out?
Vicki: Since yesterday.
Sharona: Really? Wow. That's- That's fast.
Kevin Dorfman: Yeah. I've been asking her out all summer long. "No." "No." "Drop dead." "No." But then suddenly last night, "Yes".
Vicki: And I've been saying "Yes" ever since.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: I think there's something in the newspaper he didn't want me to see.
Sharona: What?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. Maybe an article about another crime he committed. Do me a favor. Go down the street buy me a newspaper.
Sharona: Okay. Okay, but you're coming with me.
Adrian Monk: I can't. If something spills, I want to be here.
Sharona: Adrian, trust me. If something spills, you don't want to be here.
Adrian Monk: That's a good point.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: There's something in here. Something they did not want me to see.
Sharona: Look at the employee of the month. Kevin's new girlfriend. What does she see in him? Oh, I guess you never know. I mean, look who I married.
Adrian Monk: Yes. People used to say Trudy was way out of my league.
Sharona: Do you think they were right?
Adrian Monk: Oh, of course they were.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Boz: How are you folks doing?
Adrian Monk: Do you really want to know?
Boz: No. How about a lottery ticket?
Sharona: Oh, no. You just had a big winner. I never buy a ticket unless the jackpot's more than $10 million, so...
Adrian Monk: Yeah, $10 million. I don't know how they can even call that a "jackpot."

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: What are we looking for?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. Just anything unusual.
Sharona: "Hit-And-Run Driver Kills Grandmother."
Adrian Monk: Where did that happen?
Sharona: Laurel Heights.
Adrian Monk: Around 3:00 p.m.?
Sharona: 3:15. Why?
Adrian Monk: Call the Captain. I think I just solved the case.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: You think you're stronger than me.
Sharona: What?
Adrian Monk: You think you're stronger than me.
Sharona: I didn't say anything.
Adrian Monk: But it's what you're thinking. You think you could take me.
Sharona: Why would I want to "take you"?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. What if one day I went nuts?
Sharona: What if you went nuts? Oh, boy. I really have to use my imagination for that one.
Adrian Monk: I'm just saying, what if? What if... What if I attacked you? Do you think you could take me?
Sharona: I don't know. Maybe I could. But so what? I work out. I take care of myself.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Why, because I couldn't open the car door or or the water bottle? That doesn't mean anything.
Sharona: Fine. You're stronger than me. Okay, you win. Let's just drop it. God!
Adrian Monk: I can bench 200.
Sharona: I'm happy for you.
Adrian Monk: What can you bench?
Sharona: I don't know.
Adrian Monk: But you can't bench 200.
Sharona: What you want to do? You want to fight? Is that what you want to do? Come on, let's settle it right here, right now, you and me.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: You guys all right? You need a referee?
Sharona: Oh, no, no, no. We're fine. I just hurt his feelings 'cause I'm stronger than him.
Adrian Monk: She's not stronger than me. The car door was jammed.
Sharona: If it was jammed, how did I open it?
Adrian Monk: Leverage. It's called leverage.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: Are you Malcolm Cowley?
Malcolm Cowley: That's right.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm Captain Stottlemeyer, San Francisco P.D. This is Lieutenant Disher, Sharona Fleming.
Adrian Monk: And I am Adrian Monk. The Adrian Monk.
Malcolm Cowley: Is there a problem?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I was reading about you in the newspaper.
Malcolm Cowley: Sharona, wipe? I need a wipe here.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's you, isn't it? "It Just Wasn't His Day." It says here that you had two accidents in the course of 10 minutes. First you hit a little tree; then you drove another half mile and hit a lamppost.
Malcolm Cowley: That's right. Is that a crime?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, it is if you were intentionally damaging your car so you wouldn't have to explain a smashed-in grill. See, Mr. Monk found this other article. "Hit-And-Run Driver Kills A Grandmother." Same neighborhood, same approximate time. We thought there might be a connection.
Lieutenant Disher: Captain. Blood.

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