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‘Mr. Monk Gets Drunk’ Quotes

Monk: Mr. Monk Gets Drunk

405. Mr. Monk Gets Drunk

Aired August 5, 2005

When Monk and Natalie spend the weekend at the winery where he and Trudy had their honeymoon, he is surprised to wake up hungover with the recollection of a man the other guests claim never to have met.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Sylvia, I want to apologize again for last year.
Sylia: Oh, don't mention it. It's ancient history.
Natalie: What happened last year?
Sylia: Well, it's not worth mentioning. We had a mystery weekend. And we hired some actors who were going to act out a little murder.
Adrian Monk: I'm really, really sorry.
Sylia: And, uh, it was supposed to be for three days. And everybody paid in advance for three days. Adrian solved the case in, what was it, 12 minutes?
Adrian Monk: Well, I, I knew that the general's daughter was lying about meeting Churchill, because Churchill wasn't knighted until 1953. Which meant that Reginald, the limping chauffeur, who supplied her alibi, was also lying. So obviously, they were lovers who were planning to kill the sultan, and steal the Arabian emerald.
Sylia: Anyway, uh, we had to refund everybody's money. No big deal. But we learned our lesson. No more mysteries when Adrian Monk is in town. This time we're having a wine tasting.

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Quote from Adrian Monk

Wine Expert: Now they're on step three.
Adrian Monk: Oh, step three.
Wine Expert: Sniffing. You smell the wine. Inhale deeply. Do you smell the fruit or the herbs?
Adrian Monk: Uh, so that means, really, there's only two steps left until the spitting.
Wine Expert: That's right.
Adrian Monk: Uh, all, all at once? All of them spitting on the porch here? With me on the porch?
Wine Expert: Now they're sipping.
Adrian Monk: Sipping! So spitting is next. Oh, God. Oh, here it comes. [Monk groans]

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Here's what happened. I went to bed around 10. They were still playing poker. Guber must have needed more cash, so he went upstairs to get it. I went to bed around 10. They were all still playing the poker.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk! We've heard this part already.
Adrian Monk: Cappy! Cappy, you made it. How you doing? I- I- I love you. I just...
Captain Stottlemeyer: I love you too. Do your thing.
Adrian Monk: You just got... You...
Captain Stottlemeyer: Let's go sleep it off.
Adrian Monk: And thanks, thanks, thanks for the...
Captain Stottlemeyer: What?
Adrian Monk: Thanks for the... Look at that. What's that thing?
Captain Stottlemeyer: All right, come here. Come here a minute.
Adrian Monk: I'm gonna get me one.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Up to bed.
Adrian Monk: Oh, oh, wait! See, Gruber never came back. They got worried and decided to go upstairs and check him! They found Ben Gruber dead. He was dead from a heart attack. And cash, $3.1 million. They must've figured somebody would be coming around looking for it. That's the kind of money people come looking for. What to do? What to do? They decided to hide the body and split the money. If anybody asked, they were gonna pretend they never heard of him. Hold on. [sits down] Here's what happened. They got rid of Gruber's car. Then they removed his signature from the guest book and retook the group photo without him. He was gone. It was like he never existed. Gone like a ghost.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Wine Expert: Next, we're going to try the syrah. Now, the syrah comes from our very own grapes in the east vineyard. [to Monk] What are you drinking?
Adrian Monk: Uh, it's the, uh, the Sierra Springs.
Wine Expert: How is it?
Adrian Monk: It's exquisite.
Wine Expert: Is this your first wine tasting? [Monk nods] I'll explain what they're doing. There are five steps. We call them the five S's. See, swirl, sniff, sip, and spit. Now, they're on step one. How does that wine look? Is it rich in color? Does it react with the light?
Adrian Monk: Excuse me, uh, what was that last one? Uh, step five.
Wine Expert: Spit.
Adrian Monk: So they, they, they're going to be spitting?
Wine Expert: That's it.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Wine Expert: If you follow me, we're literally gonna be stepping back in time. Wine stomping, it's a tradition that goes back thousands of years to the Greeks. We're one of the last vineyards in California that at least makes some of their wine using this method.
Adrian Monk: Oh, my God. Do people actually drink that?
Natalie: Yeah, I think so.
Adrian Monk: Are they insane? Go, ask her if they're insane. Just ask her.
Natalie: I'm not gonna ask her that, Mr. Monk.
Wine Expert: And of course we can't press all of our wine like this. It would take too long. But we do make one label using this method. The allacco cabernet. [Monk squeals] It can be bought from our store out front. [Monk groans]

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: I can't believe that's the allacco cabernet.
Natalie: I know, just take it easy.
Adrian Monk: I've been drinking that wine for 15 years. It's foot wine! I can taste it.
Natalie: Oh, no, come on! You cannot taste it.
Adrian Monk: I, I can. I can taste the feet now. I can taste the toes. And what's between the toes.
Al Nicoletto: And the fungus. It really is barbaric.
Natalie: Okay, I didn't see any fungus. But I'm sure they have clean feet. There are probably rules about that stuff. [the women walk barefoot through the mud] Okay, I admit it. That's pretty disgusting.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: I already called the police. They're on their way, so don't do anything stupid.
Al Nicoletto: Don't you do anything stupid.
Adrian Monk: And so it is agreed! And let the word go forth that nobody will do anything stupid.
Al Nicoletto: Let's go, what are you doing?
Adrian Monk: [reorienting bottles] Oh, you'll thank me later.
Al Nicoletto: Forget the bottle!

Quote from Natalie

Adrian Monk: The winery's over there. And this is the inn.
Natalie: Oh, it's so beautiful. You come here every year? I couldn't do it. Mitch and I honeymooned in Paris. I still haven't been back.
Adrian Monk: I have to come. I promised Trudy.
Natalie: Well, I am so looking forward to relaxing. You know, reading a book. Taking a bath. Oh, I may never leave that bathtub.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Oh, oh, the mail.
Natalie: Pardon me?
Adrian Monk: I forgot to tell Kevin to bring in the mail.
Natalie: That's okay, I talked to him.
Adrian Monk: Maybe we should call him, just to, just to be sure.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, I took care of it. He's bringing in the mail. [opens Natalie's backpack to take her cellphone] What are you doing? What, you don't believe me? Why would I lie about something like that?
Adrian Monk: To shut me up.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, I'm not a liar. I called him.
Adrian Monk: Just to be sure.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, we are partners now. That means we have to trust each other. That is the rule, okay? I have to trust you. You have to trust me. No matter what we say.
Adrian Monk: You're right. I'm sorry.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Not a day goes by when I don't think about you. And I, I never feel as close to you as I do when I'm here. It's always... [to the waiter unsetting Trudy's place at the table] Oh, no, no, Please, leave it. Please. [the waiter leaves the table alone] It's 1984?
Waiter: Yes, sir. Allacco cabernet, 1984. It had your name on it.
Adrian Monk: It was my wife's favorite. Thank you. [to Trudy's place at the table] Thank you for marrying me. What were you thinking?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Larry Zwibell: I'm sorry. That's, that's probably me. I was a little enthusiastic with the aqua velva. Do you mind if I rest my cheeks?
Adrian Monk: Actually, I do.
Larry Zwibell: Oh, well, if someone comes, I'll get up. I hate drinking alone. Um, por favor?
Waiter: Senor.
Larry Zwibell: [speaks Spanish to the waiter] Oh, I'm, I'm, uh, bilingual. My mother was Venezuelan. That means I can make an ass of myself in two languages. Oh, oh, oh. Excuse me. Pardon me, I'm sorry. For my heart. My old ticker. Larry Zwibell.
Adrian Monk: Adrian Monk.
Larry Zwibell: Adrian, nice to know you. So what brings you here? Are you here for the, uh, what, the wine tasting?
Adrian Monk: No, I come every year. It's kind of a tradition.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Larry Zwibell: Oh, transcendent. Like a meal in itself. Oh, just think. A week ago, I couldn't even afford a bottle of pop. Oh, fabulous. Hey, are you all right?
Adrian Monk: I'm not much of a drinker.
Larry Zwibell: Oh. How many have you had? [Monk holds up one finger] One bottle?
Adrian Monk: One sip.
Larry Zwibell: Well, if you wake up tomorrow and you're still hammered, you gotta come find me. I'm in room 202 by the back staircase. I got a great cure for a hangover, it's 100% guaranteed. So, um, if you'll excuse me, I'm, uh I'm gonna teach these rubes how to play some cards. Nice knowing you.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Okay. There are three cars in the parking lot, plus mine. The same three cars that were there last night. Maybe he left.
Adrian Monk: But that wouldn't explain why everybody's lying.
Natalie: Then why didn't he check in?
Adrian Monk: He did check in. He said room 202. Look. We signed in on the bottom of this page. Sylvia could have removed the next page.
Natalie: Why would she do that, Mr. Monk?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. Something happened. Something happened here.
Natalie: Come on. Are you sure you only had one drink?
Adrian Monk: Natalie, I met him. He, he spoke Spanish. And he reeked of aqua velva. You believe me, right? You said we have to believe each other. You said that was the rule.
Natalie: That's true. That's true.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you all. But we're looking for a guest. Larry Zwibell. He was here last night.
Dr. David Sobin: Who?
Pierre LaCoste: I told you I never heard of him.
Adrian Monk: He played poker with you. He told you that joke about the psychiatrist. The wife who thinks she's a refrigerator. And the psychiatrist says, "Just ignore it." But the man says, "I can't because when she sleeps with her mouth open, the little light inside her mouth keeps me awake." [all laugh]
Dr. David Sobin: That's brilliant.
Adrian Monk: Why, why are you laughing?
Pierre LaCoste: Because it's funny.
Adrian Monk: But, but you already heard it. You heard it last night. They already heard it.
Natalie: Maybe it's your delivery.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Did you notice the French guy did this? That's his tell. I was watching him play poker last night. Whenever he bluffed, he rubbed his nose. I'm telling you, he did it upstairs earlier too. He's lying. They are all lying. It's... It's a conspiracy.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, why? They don't even know each other.

Quote from Natalie

Dr. David Sobin: Excuse me. Well, you're getting an early start. [Natalie chuckles] The tasting doesn't begin until noon. May I? Oh, they make this here.
Natalie: Hmm. They just released it this morning.
Dr. David Sobin: And how is it?
Natalie: It's good. It's, uh, sweet. But it has a, um it has a weird after taste to it. Do you taste it?
Natalie: No, not really.
Dr. David Sobin: I'm a little bit worried about your friend. I'm a psychiatrist, and I saw him yesterday talking to an empty chair.
Natalie: Oh, yeah, he does that. His wife died eight years ago. He talks to her.
Dr. David Sobin: Mrs. Willis said he used to be a detective. He was discharged? May I ask, why is he here?
Natalie: Well, it's his anniversary, and they honeymooned here, so.
Dr. David Sobin: So this is probably a time of stress for him. Does he handle stress well?
Natalie: No. He handles stress unwell.
Dr. David Sobin: Lonely children will sometimes make up a person in their minds. An imaginary friend, if you will. I've seen it a lot in my practice. I've seen adults do it too.
Natalie: Well, you don't know Adrian Monk. He's a great detective. The police don't make a move without talking to him first. I don't know what's going on here. But if he says he met a man named Larry Zwibell, then he met a man named Larry Zwibell.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: What do you think?
Adrian Monk: About what?
Natalie: The signature. The painter. He has the same name as...
Adrian Monk: As my hallucination?
Natalie: Hey, I didn't say that. Now, Mr. Monk, you gotta admit, it looks kind of bad. People might think that you saw the name and made up a person.
Adrian Monk: Or the man I met saw the name on that painting and decided to use it for himself.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: Oh, my God. It's a kissing fern.
Cal Gefsky: A what?
Natalie: Yeah. They're called kissing ferns. It's supposed to be good luck for newlyweds to kiss underneath one. Haven't you heard that song? Kiss me under the kissing fern, baby.
Cal Gefsky: Yeah, okay, well. Yeah, in that case, uh... Here? Ready?
Natalie: Oh, wow. You don't get it. It's so cute. Let me take a picture. I... Gotta get a great angle here.
Heidi Gefsky: You can take the picture.
Natalie: [sings] Kiss me underneath the kissing fern baby The hanging plant The hanging plant [Monk provides a beat] Of love...

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: You'll feel better when we get home. We'll call Dr. Kroger.
Adrian Monk: It's Saturday.
Natalie: We'll call Dr. Kroger.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, I met him. I talked to him. He was so real. How could I, how could I be so wrong? I'm never taking another drink as long as I live.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, some people just have no tolerance. I used to work in a bar. I saw it all the time. You had two sips. That's like 10 shots to a normal person.
Adrian Monk: Thank you.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Al Nicoletto: Saw a vending machine back there. You want a soda?
Adrian Monk: Excuse me?
Al Nicoletto: To wash your mouth out. You want a soda?
Adrian Monk: That would be great. Thanks. Tome su tiempo.
Al Nicoletto: What?
Adrian Monk: It means, "take your time."
Al Nicoletto: Right. [walks off]
Adrian Monk: Natalie. Natalie, he's lying. This guy and the man I met last night are not brothers. He just said "soda." And Zwibell, Gruber, whatever his name is said "pop." And he was bilingual. This guy doesn't speak a word of Spanish. They could not have grown up in the same house. Okay, I need to find out who he really is.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Do you have a lot of friends? I'll bet you do. Sometimes I turn on the TV. And I turn the sound way down and I pretend that they're talking to me. And everybody likes me. "Adrian. Welcome back." "Oh, we're so happy to see you." "We are so happy to see you." I'll bet you have a lot of friends.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: You look like a moose. You do. I'm gonna call you Mr. Luke like-a-moose. Luke like-a-moose. [laughs] So about your brother... I'm sorry about the moose thing. Hey, wait, wait, oh, oh, wait, first, listen. What song is this? [taps forks percussively]

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: You're drunk!
Adrian Monk: [laughing] No, it's non-alcoholic. I got him right where I want him! Look! I'm winking.
Natalie: Okay, Mr. Monk, listen to me! You were right. His name isn't Gruber. It's Al Nicoletto, Jr. He has five arrests, no convictions. He's a contract killer.
Adrian Monk: Al, is this true? [Al holds a gun to Monk's chest] Yes or no, is this true?

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: Captain, you have got to see this.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What?
Lieutenant Disher: Monk's in there doing one of his summation things. He's wasted.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: When I hear, when I heard Natalie say she almost had a heart attack I remember, I remembered that Larry Zwibell, AKA also known as Ben Gruber, was taking heart medicine. Cappy! Ladies and gentlemen, Captain Leland Stottlemeyer, homicide! Show, show me your badge.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No.
Adrian Monk: Show it. Show, show, show it. Show, wet.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk-
Adrian Monk: I solved the case.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Good, good, good, good. Let's, let's, um-
Adrian Monk: Okay, show it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Let's let these people go up to their rooms, okay?
Adrian Monk: Where's your gun? He got a gun. Oh, no, no, no, no, no! You don't understand. No, no, no. These are the suspects. Oh, yeah. They're all in on it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, what did they do?
Adrian Monk: Well, they, look at them! I mean, look! Oh, look at them! Okay. Okay. They may not look like cold-blooded killers, but they're they're "crinimals". Yeah. They're "crinimals". Crinimal. Criminals. [falls off a chair]
Natalie: Mr. Monk!
Adrian Monk: They're criminals, I'm telling you! Oh, yeah. We're gonna need a big old paddy wagon. Do they still have paddy wagons?
Natalie: Here you go, Mr. Monk. Please, please drink this coffee.
Adrian Monk: Okay. Wow. Cup O' Joe. Keep them warm.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Did you find the money?
Natalie: Not yet.
Dr. David Sobin: He says there was a conspiracy, and we all took the money. I say this character Gruber junked his own car, took the cash, and hitchhiked to Mexico. Can you prove I'm wrong?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Nope. He's right. Without a body, we don't have a case. Monk... [Monk snores] Monk! Okay, um I guess you're all free to go. Lieutenant, take everybody's address. Make sure it's a valid I.D.
Lieutenant Disher: Yes, sir. If everybody can just follow me. We're sorry about the inconvenience.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: God, what is it?
Captain Stottlemeyer: What is what?
Natalie: This is their new wine. They bottle it next door. But it has this funky, weird aftertaste, and I cannot put my finger on it. Here.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Smells like aqua velva.
Natalie: Oh, my God. Oh, my God! It's aqua velva.
Adrian Monk: It's aqua velva.


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