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‘Mr. Monk Gets Drunk’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Monk: Mr. Monk Gets Drunk

405. Mr. Monk Gets Drunk

Aired August 5, 2005

When Monk and Natalie spend the weekend at the winery where he and Trudy had their honeymoon, he is surprised to wake up hungover with the recollection of a man the other guests claim never to have met.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Sylvia, I want to apologize again for last year.
Sylia: Oh, don't mention it. It's ancient history.
Natalie: What happened last year?
Sylia: Well, it's not worth mentioning. We had a mystery weekend. And we hired some actors who were going to act out a little murder.
Adrian Monk: I'm really, really sorry.
Sylia: And, uh, it was supposed to be for three days. And everybody paid in advance for three days. Adrian solved the case in, what was it, 12 minutes?
Adrian Monk: Well, I, I knew that the general's daughter was lying about meeting Churchill, because Churchill wasn't knighted until 1953. Which meant that Reginald, the limping chauffeur, who supplied her alibi, was also lying. So obviously, they were lovers who were planning to kill the sultan, and steal the Arabian emerald.
Sylia: Anyway, uh, we had to refund everybody's money. No big deal. But we learned our lesson. No more mysteries when Adrian Monk is in town. This time we're having a wine tasting.

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Quote from Adrian Monk

Wine Expert: Now they're on step three.
Adrian Monk: Oh, step three.
Wine Expert: Sniffing. You smell the wine. Inhale deeply. Do you smell the fruit or the herbs?
Adrian Monk: Uh, so that means, really, there's only two steps left until the spitting.
Wine Expert: That's right.
Adrian Monk: Uh, all, all at once? All of them spitting on the porch here? With me on the porch?
Wine Expert: Now they're sipping.
Adrian Monk: Sipping! So spitting is next. Oh, God. Oh, here it comes. [Monk groans]

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Here's what happened. I went to bed around 10. They were still playing poker. Guber must have needed more cash, so he went upstairs to get it. I went to bed around 10. They were all still playing the poker.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk! We've heard this part already.
Adrian Monk: Cappy! Cappy, you made it. How you doing? I- I- I love you. I just...
Captain Stottlemeyer: I love you too. Do your thing.
Adrian Monk: You just got... You...
Captain Stottlemeyer: Let's go sleep it off.
Adrian Monk: And thanks, thanks, thanks for the...
Captain Stottlemeyer: What?
Adrian Monk: Thanks for the... Look at that. What's that thing?
Captain Stottlemeyer: All right, come here. Come here a minute.
Adrian Monk: I'm gonna get me one.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Up to bed.
Adrian Monk: Oh, oh, wait! See, Gruber never came back. They got worried and decided to go upstairs and check him! They found Ben Gruber dead. He was dead from a heart attack. And cash, $3.1 million. They must've figured somebody would be coming around looking for it. That's the kind of money people come looking for. What to do? What to do? They decided to hide the body and split the money. If anybody asked, they were gonna pretend they never heard of him. Hold on. [sits down] Here's what happened. They got rid of Gruber's car. Then they removed his signature from the guest book and retook the group photo without him. He was gone. It was like he never existed. Gone like a ghost.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Wine Expert: Next, we're going to try the syrah. Now, the syrah comes from our very own grapes in the east vineyard. [to Monk] What are you drinking?
Adrian Monk: Uh, it's the, uh, the Sierra Springs.
Wine Expert: How is it?
Adrian Monk: It's exquisite.
Wine Expert: Is this your first wine tasting? [Monk nods] I'll explain what they're doing. There are five steps. We call them the five S's. See, swirl, sniff, sip, and spit. Now, they're on step one. How does that wine look? Is it rich in color? Does it react with the light?
Adrian Monk: Excuse me, uh, what was that last one? Uh, step five.
Wine Expert: Spit.
Adrian Monk: So they, they, they're going to be spitting?
Wine Expert: That's it.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Wine Expert: If you follow me, we're literally gonna be stepping back in time. Wine stomping, it's a tradition that goes back thousands of years to the Greeks. We're one of the last vineyards in California that at least makes some of their wine using this method.
Adrian Monk: Oh, my God. Do people actually drink that?
Natalie: Yeah, I think so.
Adrian Monk: Are they insane? Go, ask her if they're insane. Just ask her.
Natalie: I'm not gonna ask her that, Mr. Monk.
Wine Expert: And of course we can't press all of our wine like this. It would take too long. But we do make one label using this method. The allacco cabernet. [Monk squeals] It can be bought from our store out front. [Monk groans]

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: I can't believe that's the allacco cabernet.
Natalie: I know, just take it easy.
Adrian Monk: I've been drinking that wine for 15 years. It's foot wine! I can taste it.
Natalie: Oh, no, come on! You cannot taste it.
Adrian Monk: I, I can. I can taste the feet now. I can taste the toes. And what's between the toes.
Al Nicoletto: And the fungus. It really is barbaric.
Natalie: Okay, I didn't see any fungus. But I'm sure they have clean feet. There are probably rules about that stuff. [the women walk barefoot through the mud] Okay, I admit it. That's pretty disgusting.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: I already called the police. They're on their way, so don't do anything stupid.
Al Nicoletto: Don't you do anything stupid.
Adrian Monk: And so it is agreed! And let the word go forth that nobody will do anything stupid.
Al Nicoletto: Let's go, what are you doing?
Adrian Monk: [reorienting bottles] Oh, you'll thank me later.
Al Nicoletto: Forget the bottle!

Quote from Natalie

Adrian Monk: The winery's over there. And this is the inn.
Natalie: Oh, it's so beautiful. You come here every year? I couldn't do it. Mitch and I honeymooned in Paris. I still haven't been back.
Adrian Monk: I have to come. I promised Trudy.
Natalie: Well, I am so looking forward to relaxing. You know, reading a book. Taking a bath. Oh, I may never leave that bathtub.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Oh, oh, the mail.
Natalie: Pardon me?
Adrian Monk: I forgot to tell Kevin to bring in the mail.
Natalie: That's okay, I talked to him.
Adrian Monk: Maybe we should call him, just to, just to be sure.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, I took care of it. He's bringing in the mail. [opens Natalie's backpack to take her cellphone] What are you doing? What, you don't believe me? Why would I lie about something like that?
Adrian Monk: To shut me up.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, I'm not a liar. I called him.
Adrian Monk: Just to be sure.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, we are partners now. That means we have to trust each other. That is the rule, okay? I have to trust you. You have to trust me. No matter what we say.
Adrian Monk: You're right. I'm sorry.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Not a day goes by when I don't think about you. And I, I never feel as close to you as I do when I'm here. It's always... [to the waiter unsetting Trudy's place at the table] Oh, no, no, Please, leave it. Please. [the waiter leaves the table alone] It's 1984?
Waiter: Yes, sir. Allacco cabernet, 1984. It had your name on it.
Adrian Monk: It was my wife's favorite. Thank you. [to Trudy's place at the table] Thank you for marrying me. What were you thinking?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Larry Zwibell: I'm sorry. That's, that's probably me. I was a little enthusiastic with the aqua velva. Do you mind if I rest my cheeks?
Adrian Monk: Actually, I do.
Larry Zwibell: Oh, well, if someone comes, I'll get up. I hate drinking alone. Um, por favor?
Waiter: Senor.
Larry Zwibell: [speaks Spanish to the waiter] Oh, I'm, I'm, uh, bilingual. My mother was Venezuelan. That means I can make an ass of myself in two languages. Oh, oh, oh. Excuse me. Pardon me, I'm sorry. For my heart. My old ticker. Larry Zwibell.
Adrian Monk: Adrian Monk.
Larry Zwibell: Adrian, nice to know you. So what brings you here? Are you here for the, uh, what, the wine tasting?
Adrian Monk: No, I come every year. It's kind of a tradition.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Larry Zwibell: Oh, transcendent. Like a meal in itself. Oh, just think. A week ago, I couldn't even afford a bottle of pop. Oh, fabulous. Hey, are you all right?
Adrian Monk: I'm not much of a drinker.
Larry Zwibell: Oh. How many have you had? [Monk holds up one finger] One bottle?
Adrian Monk: One sip.
Larry Zwibell: Well, if you wake up tomorrow and you're still hammered, you gotta come find me. I'm in room 202 by the back staircase. I got a great cure for a hangover, it's 100% guaranteed. So, um, if you'll excuse me, I'm, uh I'm gonna teach these rubes how to play some cards. Nice knowing you.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Okay. There are three cars in the parking lot, plus mine. The same three cars that were there last night. Maybe he left.
Adrian Monk: But that wouldn't explain why everybody's lying.
Natalie: Then why didn't he check in?
Adrian Monk: He did check in. He said room 202. Look. We signed in on the bottom of this page. Sylvia could have removed the next page.
Natalie: Why would she do that, Mr. Monk?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. Something happened. Something happened here.
Natalie: Come on. Are you sure you only had one drink?
Adrian Monk: Natalie, I met him. He, he spoke Spanish. And he reeked of aqua velva. You believe me, right? You said we have to believe each other. You said that was the rule.
Natalie: That's true. That's true.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you all. But we're looking for a guest. Larry Zwibell. He was here last night.
Dr. David Sobin: Who?
Pierre LaCoste: I told you I never heard of him.
Adrian Monk: He played poker with you. He told you that joke about the psychiatrist. The wife who thinks she's a refrigerator. And the psychiatrist says, "Just ignore it." But the man says, "I can't because when she sleeps with her mouth open, the little light inside her mouth keeps me awake." [all laugh]
Dr. David Sobin: That's brilliant.
Adrian Monk: Why, why are you laughing?
Pierre LaCoste: Because it's funny.
Adrian Monk: But, but you already heard it. You heard it last night. They already heard it.
Natalie: Maybe it's your delivery.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Did you notice the French guy did this? That's his tell. I was watching him play poker last night. Whenever he bluffed, he rubbed his nose. I'm telling you, he did it upstairs earlier too. He's lying. They are all lying. It's... It's a conspiracy.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, why? They don't even know each other.

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