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‘Mr. Monk and the Big Reward’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Monk: Mr. Monk and the Big Reward

413. Mr. Monk and the Big Reward

Aired February 3, 2006

With their finances stretched thin, Natalie begs Monk to investigate the disappearance of a priceless diamond in the hopes of clinching a million-dollar reward.

Quote from Dr. Kroger

Adrian Monk: When I was on the force, I used to hate cashing my paycheck. I still do. To me, police work is like a higher calling. Like the priesthood.
Dr. Kroger: You know, Adrian, even priests have to get paid. But it brings up an interesting question. Something I would like to explore with you. What would you do if you had a million dollars?
Adrian Monk: Well, uh, I guess I'd hire you full time. And keep you on retainer. 24/7. Maybe I'd buy you a house right next to mine. So I could just drop in anytime. This is fun. What would you do with a million dollars?
Dr. Kroger: Buy an island. A desert island in the middle of nowhere.
Adrian Monk: So we would do our sessions over the phone?
Dr. Kroger: [chuckles] Well, see, this island, in my mind... No phone service.
Adrian Monk: Well, I guess I'd have to buy a boat.
Dr. Kroger: No, see, that's funny, because, the island, in my fantasy... No dock.

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Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: I've got some good news. Sort of consolation prize. I talked to the commissioner. He's gonna put you under contract.
Natalie: Really?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Put you on retainer. He has guaranteed you 16 homicides a year for next two years.
Adrian Monk: Sixteen a year? What- What about after that?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, we'll have to take it one year at a time. We'll see.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Cashier: That's $42.80.
Adrian Monk: Okay, there we go. And I have a coupon.
Cashier: I can't take this, it expired yesterday.
Adrian Monk: Yesterday? Oh, she's right. Darn. Sometimes I wish I had a time machine.
Natalie: Wait, if you had a time machine, you would use it to go back to save 50 cents on Lysol?
Adrian Monk: Yes. Yes, I would.
Natalie: You wouldn't use it to save Abraham Lincoln?
Adrian Monk: Fine, I'll save Lincoln. It never ends with you.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: All right, I've got $34.
Adrian Monk: Is that it? Yesterday was payday.
Natalie: Yes, it was. But I didn't get paid. You know, your paydays are becoming sort of theoretical.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: What is up with those three detectives? Do you think we lost them?
Adrian Monk: Oh, Natalie, they are not detectives. They're rent-a-cops. They're hired guns. They are mercenaries. In other words, they're us. This whole thing is about greed.
Natalie: You know how you always say you'll thank me later? You'll thank me later.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: Sir, we found this at the scene of a crime. A robbery. We've been doing some research. This is your design, isn't it? You give these to your students?
Adrian Monk: Natalie, please. Sir, you, you have a thread hanging right in the middle there. Just... I'll get it. Just one moment.
Natalie: Okay, Mr. Kwan, you look like a very busy man, so I'm just gonna get right to the point. Do you have a student that could fit inside of a roll-top desk? He can't be more than five feet tall. Does that ring a bell? Or a gong? Mr. Monk, you're distracting him!
Adrian Monk: No, he's distracting me.
Natalie: Is there anyone here who's that small and limber? Who could scrunch up inside of a desk? A scruncher? A little scruncher? Mr. Kwan, there's a lot of money at stake here.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: Mr. Monk? We're rich. We hit the jackpot.
Adrian Monk: Oh, good.
Natalie: Look, it's about the Alexander diamond. Lloyd's of London is offering a $1 million reward to anybody that finds it. No questions asked.
Adrian Monk: So?
Natalie: Mr. Monk, you can find that diamond.
Adrian Monk: Ah, I don't think so.
Natalie: What?
Adrian Monk: You're a great detective. You solve crimes all the time without even trying. It's annoying how many crimes you solve. Come on! Let's go for it. Let's cash in!
Adrian Monk: Natalie, I don't do what I do for money.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, it's a million dollars. You'll never have to worry for the rest of your life. Well, of course, you'll worry. But not about money.

Quote from Natalie

Adrian Monk: Police headquarters on Vinton Street.
Cab Driver: What are you doing, chief?
Adrian Monk: I'm with her.
Cab Driver: You gotta ride in the back, that's the rule.
Adrian Monk: Oh, I prefer to sit up front. It's one of my things.
Natalie: It's true, it's one of his things.
Cab Driver: Well, here's one of my things. Nobody rides in the front.
Adrian Monk: I'm afraid it's not negotiable.
Cab Driver: Who's negotiating? That's it, I'm out of here.
Natalie: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, wait! I'll give you 50 bucks if you let him ride up front.
Cab Driver: Why? What's he gonna do?
Natalie: Nothing, nothing. He's got a cluster of compulsions and phobias that manifest themselves in a variety of, you know... It's one of his things. He has things.
Cab Driver: $100.
Natalie: All right, 72. That's all I have.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Adrian Monk: Captain, I have to talk to you about something.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Can it wait?
Adrian Monk: Okay. Well, we'll come back. Okay, we're back. And Natalie?
Natalie: Captain...
Captain Stottlemeyer: If this is about money, forget about it. We're broke. The department is strapped. We just got another hiring freeze.
Natalie: Captain, we haven't had a new case in three weeks.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You know, you're right. There hasn't been a major homicide in a long time. But you gotta keep your hopes up. Stay optimistic.
Adrian Monk: [chuckles] Okay, well, thank you very much.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Look, Gladys, he's Monk. Try to ignore him.
Gladys: Can you ignore him?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, I can't. Just do the best you can.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Cashier: Sir, do you have a different card? It says declined.
Adrian Monk: Declined?
Natalie: Mr. Monk, do you have any money in the bank?
Adrian Monk: No.
Natalie: That could be it.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Come on, you need to put some stuff back.
Adrian Monk: No, I can't. Look, I, I I made a list. Everything here is on the list.
Natalie: I know, I know. We're gonna come back later and pick it up. Come on, people are waiting.
Adrian Monk: Okay. Uh, this then. Oh, wait, no. I need this. Oh, this. Gotta have this spray.
Natalie: All right, how about how about one of these? [holds tow cans]
Adrian Monk: Yeah, this one. No, no. Um, no. Let's go with that one.
Natalie: All right.
Adrian Monk: Oh, wait a second.
Man: [o.s.] Come on, hurry up!
Adrian Monk: It's like Sophie's choice. Except it's soup.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: I'm not good at this, asking for more money.
Natalie: Okay, then let me do the talking.
Adrian Monk: I'm not good at that either.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, you deserve a raise. You've solved a lot of big cases for them single-handedly.
Adrian Monk: Maybe I helped a little.
Natalie: No, no, no, no. You can't think like that. You gotta brag about yourself. You gotta toot your own horn.
Adrian Monk: I'm not much of a tooter.
Natalie: You better learn how to toot.
Adrian Monk: Toot's a funny word.
Natalie: Hilarious.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Oh, hello. Gladys. Natalie Teeger, this is Gladys. Gladys is great. Gladys has been cleaning up around here for years. I used to help her out in my spare time. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Remember?
Gladys: Yeah. Until I got that restraining order. Remember?
Adrian Monk: Good times. Good times. You have to get underneath, right, Gladys? Under?
Gladys: Why? Nobody ever looks there.
Adrian Monk: But you'll know it's clean. Isn't that its own reward? You'll know.
Gladys: The captain says I don't have to talk to you.
Adrian Monk: I know, I know. But under, okay? Under the table.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Lieutenant Disher: Robbery division asked us to help out, so we're taking statements from everybody on site.
Adrian Monk: So you're not arresting him about the drugs?
Lieutenant Disher: Uh, no. What drugs?
Adrian Monk: His fingertips are stained. Looks like red phosphorous. You get that from making crystal meth. He's gotta have a lab somewhere.
Lieutenant Disher: Okay, I'll check it out. Excuse me, Mr. Landis. Could you come here, please? If the captain needs me, I'll be in interrogation room B. Uh, right this way. [walks off]
Adrian Monk: What?
Natalie: You know what. You just solved that case for free.
Adrian Monk: What was I supposed to do
Natalie: Well, if you're selling ice cream, would you hand out free scoops?
Adrian Monk: What was I supposed to say? "Hey, Lieutenant, there's a drug dealer somewhere in this room. I'll tell you who it is for $20."
Natalie: At least we'd have $20.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: Okay, Captain, come on, we can't just sit around waiting for the phone to ring. It's not fair to us. We have no security.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What do you want me to do?
Natalie: We wanna be put on retainer.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What?
Natalie: Yeah, a retainer like a lawyer. We want a guaranteed income. Look, it doesn't have to be much. We just need a little security.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes. Okay, I'll see what I can do. But don't get your hopes up, okay?

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Anything else?
Adrian Monk: It's about Gladys.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Have you been talking to Gladys?
Adrian Monk: Captain...
Captain Stottlemeyer: I told you not to talk to Gladys.
Adrian Monk: She's not cleaning under the tables again.
[A wet sponge is thrown at the wall, narrowly missing Monk's head]
Adrian Monk: I think you should talk to her.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I will. About her aim.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Lieutenant Disher: You were right. I get this guy in the room, he's denying everything. He's twitching, he's nervous. I threaten to get a search warrant and tear his house apart. I pick up the phone, I start to dial, he collapses. He gave it all up. Crystal meth lab in his basement. Narcotics is on their way over. I owe you one.
Adrian Monk: Okay. [off Natalie's look] What?
Natalie: You know what.
Adrian Monk: Oh, the thing? About the ice cream and the free scoops?
Natalie: That's right.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Something's off here.
Natalie: What is it?
Adrian Monk: Glass shards on the inside. When that case was shattered, this case was open. I think they took this weapon, used it, and put it back and relocked the case.
Natalie: What does that tell us?
Adrian Monk: A lot. It means it was an inside job. And they didn't want us to know it was an inside job.
Natalie: [giggles] Ka-ching!
Adrian Monk: What does that mean?
Natalie: It means we're gonna be rich. Ka-ching.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Excuse me, sir. Did anything unusual happen Tuesday before the break-in? Anything at all out of the ordinary?
Museum Official: Now that you mention it, Tuesday afternoon I heard, or I thought I heard somebody whispering. Whispering? It wasn't in this room, it was down the hallway. It was about 2:30. I was standing about there. And I thought I heard someone saying, "My womb."
Adrian Monk: "My room"?
Museum Official: "My womb." It was a man's voice. And he was saying it over and over.
Adrian Monk: "My womb."
Museum Official: I thought it was coming from that vent, but it's impossible. I think I'm going senile. I'm sorry, I've got to take this.

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