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‘Mr. Monk and the Big Reward’ Quotes

Monk: Mr. Monk and the Big Reward

413. Mr. Monk and the Big Reward

Aired February 3, 2006

With their finances stretched thin, Natalie begs Monk to investigate the disappearance of a priceless diamond in the hopes of clinching a million-dollar reward.

Quote from Dr. Kroger

Adrian Monk: When I was on the force, I used to hate cashing my paycheck. I still do. To me, police work is like a higher calling. Like the priesthood.
Dr. Kroger: You know, Adrian, even priests have to get paid. But it brings up an interesting question. Something I would like to explore with you. What would you do if you had a million dollars?
Adrian Monk: Well, uh, I guess I'd hire you full time. And keep you on retainer. 24/7. Maybe I'd buy you a house right next to mine. So I could just drop in anytime. This is fun. What would you do with a million dollars?
Dr. Kroger: Buy an island. A desert island in the middle of nowhere.
Adrian Monk: So we would do our sessions over the phone?
Dr. Kroger: [chuckles] Well, see, this island, in my mind... No phone service.
Adrian Monk: Well, I guess I'd have to buy a boat.
Dr. Kroger: No, see, that's funny, because, the island, in my fantasy... No dock.


Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: I've got some good news. Sort of consolation prize. I talked to the commissioner. He's gonna put you under contract.
Natalie: Really?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Put you on retainer. He has guaranteed you 16 homicides a year for next two years.
Adrian Monk: Sixteen a year? What- What about after that?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, we'll have to take it one year at a time. We'll see.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Cashier: That's $42.80.
Adrian Monk: Okay, there we go. And I have a coupon.
Cashier: I can't take this, it expired yesterday.
Adrian Monk: Yesterday? Oh, she's right. Darn. Sometimes I wish I had a time machine.
Natalie: Wait, if you had a time machine, you would use it to go back to save 50 cents on Lysol?
Adrian Monk: Yes. Yes, I would.
Natalie: You wouldn't use it to save Abraham Lincoln?
Adrian Monk: Fine, I'll save Lincoln. It never ends with you.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: All right, I've got $34.
Adrian Monk: Is that it? Yesterday was payday.
Natalie: Yes, it was. But I didn't get paid. You know, your paydays are becoming sort of theoretical.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: What is up with those three detectives? Do you think we lost them?
Adrian Monk: Oh, Natalie, they are not detectives. They're rent-a-cops. They're hired guns. They are mercenaries. In other words, they're us. This whole thing is about greed.
Natalie: You know how you always say you'll thank me later? You'll thank me later.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: Sir, we found this at the scene of a crime. A robbery. We've been doing some research. This is your design, isn't it? You give these to your students?
Adrian Monk: Natalie, please. Sir, you, you have a thread hanging right in the middle there. Just... I'll get it. Just one moment.
Natalie: Okay, Mr. Kwan, you look like a very busy man, so I'm just gonna get right to the point. Do you have a student that could fit inside of a roll-top desk? He can't be more than five feet tall. Does that ring a bell? Or a gong? Mr. Monk, you're distracting him!
Adrian Monk: No, he's distracting me.
Natalie: Is there anyone here who's that small and limber? Who could scrunch up inside of a desk? A scruncher? A little scruncher? Mr. Kwan, there's a lot of money at stake here.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: Mr. Monk? We're rich. We hit the jackpot.
Adrian Monk: Oh, good.
Natalie: Look, it's about the Alexander diamond. Lloyd's of London is offering a $1 million reward to anybody that finds it. No questions asked.
Adrian Monk: So?
Natalie: Mr. Monk, you can find that diamond.
Adrian Monk: Ah, I don't think so.
Natalie: What?
Adrian Monk: You're a great detective. You solve crimes all the time without even trying. It's annoying how many crimes you solve. Come on! Let's go for it. Let's cash in!
Adrian Monk: Natalie, I don't do what I do for money.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, it's a million dollars. You'll never have to worry for the rest of your life. Well, of course, you'll worry. But not about money.

Quote from Natalie

Adrian Monk: Police headquarters on Vinton Street.
Cab Driver: What are you doing, chief?
Adrian Monk: I'm with her.
Cab Driver: You gotta ride in the back, that's the rule.
Adrian Monk: Oh, I prefer to sit up front. It's one of my things.
Natalie: It's true, it's one of his things.
Cab Driver: Well, here's one of my things. Nobody rides in the front.
Adrian Monk: I'm afraid it's not negotiable.
Cab Driver: Who's negotiating? That's it, I'm out of here.
Natalie: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, wait! I'll give you 50 bucks if you let him ride up front.
Cab Driver: Why? What's he gonna do?
Natalie: Nothing, nothing. He's got a cluster of compulsions and phobias that manifest themselves in a variety of, you know... It's one of his things. He has things.
Cab Driver: $100.
Natalie: All right, 72. That's all I have.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Adrian Monk: Captain, I have to talk to you about something.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Can it wait?
Adrian Monk: Okay. Well, we'll come back. Okay, we're back. And Natalie?
Natalie: Captain...
Captain Stottlemeyer: If this is about money, forget about it. We're broke. The department is strapped. We just got another hiring freeze.
Natalie: Captain, we haven't had a new case in three weeks.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You know, you're right. There hasn't been a major homicide in a long time. But you gotta keep your hopes up. Stay optimistic.
Adrian Monk: [chuckles] Okay, well, thank you very much.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Look, Gladys, he's Monk. Try to ignore him.
Gladys: Can you ignore him?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, I can't. Just do the best you can.

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