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‘Mr. Monk Meets His Dad’ Quotes

Monk: Mr. Monk Meets His Dad

509. Mr. Monk Meets His Dad

Aired November 17, 2006

After Monk's long-lost father, Jack Monk (guest star Dan Hedaya), is picked up on a traffic violation, Monk hits the road with him for a Christmas delivery.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Man: [over radio] Atticus One, this is Gumbo Pot. Thought you'd like to know you're coming up on a plain brown wrapper.
Adrian Monk: Roger that. If we see it, we will stop and pick it up.
Jack Monk: No! "Plain brown wrapper." That's an unmarked police car. He's trying to warn us.
Adrian Monk: Gumbo Pot, this is Atticus One. You're making it harder for the Highway Patrol to enforce the local speed limit. Which isn't very cool. Over.
Man: Jack, who the hell is that?

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Quote from Adrian Monk

Julie Teeger: They smell great.
Adrian Monk: Yeah. Oh, can I have that one?
Natalie: Mr. Monk, you have to wait. They're for the party.
Adrian Monk: Please, just that one, that Christmas tree.
Natalie: No see, then you'll want another one, she'll want one. I didn't make enough.
Adrian Monk: Natalie! Please. Just one cookie. One stupid cookie. I'm beseeching you. I promise I'll never ask for anything else. Please. Please, I gotta have that cookie!
Natalie: Okay, fine. Take the cookie.
Adrian Monk: Thank you. [puts it in the trash] That was a little crooked. What's up with that elf?
Natalie: Mr. Monk, the elf is perfect.
Adrian Monk: A little droopy.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: Mr. Monk? I'm, Randy Disher. I work with your son. This is an honor. And a pleasure and a privilege.
Jack Monk: Why?
Lieutenant Disher: I- I don't know. I just thought it was an honor and a pleasure. I could be wrong.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: What? I can't just leave. I don't have my toothbrush. I can't travel without my toothbrush.
Lieutenant Disher: You can buy a toothbrush.
Adrian Monk: Or my pillow case or my Trudy kit or my house. I never go anywhere without my house.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You can buy all that stuff, Monk. What you can't buy is another shot.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: [on the phone] What happened?
Adrian Monk: What am I doing here? He doesn't like me. He never loved me. He doesn't love anyone except for maybe Jack Junior.
Natalie: Jack Junior?
Adrian Monk: It's his other son. He bought him a bike. I never got a bike!
Natalie: [to Stottlemeyer & Disher] There's another brother.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, can you pick me up?
Natalie: Oh, Mr. Monk, it's only been a few hours. I don't think you should give up. Just keep talking. I'm sure you have a lot in common.
Adrian Monk: That makes sense. You made a lot of good points. Now come and get me!
Natalie: Mr. Monk, I can't. I can't just leave. I mean, for one thing everybody but Julie has been drinking. He wants to talk to you.
Julie Teeger: [takes the phone] Hello? Mr. Monk, I can't. I don't have a license. I don't even know where Arizona is. Please stop crying. He hung up.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Waitress: Here you go. Two Christmas Specials. Enjoy.
Jack Monk: Thank you.
Adrian Monk: It's touching.
Jack Monk: It is. It's great. After all those years.
Adrian Monk: No, I mean the food, it's touching.
Jack Monk: Okay, okay, I forgot. I forgot. Don't worry. I'll fix it, I'll fix it. Don't worry. I forgot. Carrots separate. Good? There you go. Nice and separate turkey. Good?
Adrian Monk: Thanks.
Jack Monk: You have a picture of her? [Monk hands Jack a picture from his wallet] Trudy, right? Oh. I'm glad. I'm glad she was there for you.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Julie, it's okay. Mr. Monk, you can have any cookie you want.
Adrian Monk: Yeah.
Julie Teeger: Mom, what happened?
Natalie: It's your father.
Adrian Monk: My father?
Julie Teeger: I almost forgot you had a father.
Natalie: Honey, everybody has a father.
Julie Teeger: Well, it's just you don't mention him very much.
Adrian Monk: Not everyone has a father worth mentioning.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: When was the last time you saw him?
Adrian Monk: Ah, it was a lifetime ago. I was eight years old. He said he was going downtown to pick up some dinner. And I watched him drive away. He waved to me. I'll never forget that. How he waved. Then he was gone. My childhood was over. My mother never laughed again.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Families are always complicated.
Adrian Monk: It wasn't complicated. He just waved, then he was gone.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: Let's see here. Jack Monk. They picked him up for a traffic violation. He ran a red light.
Adrian Monk: They brought him up for that?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, well, he resisted arrest. He shoved a cop. When they brought him in for booking, he started asking for you. We got him in a holding cell upstairs. His rig is parked in the impound lot out back.
Adrian Monk: What rig?
Captain Stottlemeyer: His rig. It's a tractor trailer. Your dad is a truck driver.
Adrian Monk: I don't think so. He's a writer. He writes school books.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You two obviously have a lot to talk about.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Inmate: What are you doing?
Jack Monk: I'm speed reading.
Inmate: What's your rush?
Jack Monk: I'm old.
Officer: Jack Monk, your son is here.
Jack Monk: I'm looking at you, but I see your mother.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Uh, no. I'm Leland Stottlemeyer, sir. This is Adrian.
Jack Monk: That man looks just like your mother.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Jack Monk: Hey, how are you?
Adrian Monk: How am I? Is that what you said?
Jack Monk: Yes, how are you? That's a rather conventional salutation. In Texas, people use it all the time.
Adrian Monk: Texas?
Jack Monk: Yeah, yeah, Midland. I got a place in Midland, but I'm hardly ever there. I'm driving 18-wheelers. Long hauls. "I travel for travel's sake to come down off of this featherbed of civilization." Robert Louis Stevenson.
Adrian Monk: Jack, I don't want to hear it. You called me. I'm here. What do you want?
Jack Monk: For one thing you can call me "Dad."
Adrian Monk: No.
Jack Monk: I'll settle for "Pops." "Pappy?" You know, forget about it. I'm getting used to Jack. What do I want from you? Two things. A, forgive me. Forgive your father. I was negligent. I was selfish. And I'm very sorry. B, get me the hell out of Dodge. But if you can do one, I'll take B. I gotta be in Phoenix early in the morning.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: That's why you called me? After 39 years. To fix a parking ticket?
Jack Monk: I know you can do it. I've been reading all about you. You are a hotshot detective. Which I take a little bit of credit for.
Adrian Monk: Oh.
Jack Monk: Who read Sherlock Holmes to you every night? "Holmes, oh, you amaze me." Adrian, here's the thing. If I don't get to Phoenix in the morning, I lose the job. And this gig, it's my life. What do you say?
Adrian Monk: I say good-bye.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, Hey, Monk, look. He's not a young man. If you walk away now, you might never see him again.
Adrian Monk: You promise?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Jack Monk: I thought after I'm done with this run I would stop by and we could talk. You know, catch up a little-
Adrian Monk: Don't say that. Don't say anything. Just go. And when you drive away, don't wave.
Jack Monk: Okay. Well, Merry Christmas anyway.
Adrian Monk: Right. Right.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Ask him.
Adrian Monk: Ask him what?
Captain Stottlemeyer: You know what. Ask him.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Jack? Long as you're here, with don't you stay and have Christmas dinner with Ambrose and me. It would mean the world to him.
Jack Monk: I wish I could. I'm already three hours behind.
Adrian Monk: He wishes he could.
Jack Monk: You could come with me.
Adrian Monk: With you?
Jack Monk: Yeah. You'll be back here in three days.
Adrian Monk: I don't think so.
Jack Monk: Okay, maybe another time. Take care.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Jack Monk: You still got that thing about germs, huh? I'm not surprised. Your mother said you would outgrow it, but I tried to tell her people don't change. They say they're gonna change. They swear to God they're gonna change. But at the end of the day, you are who you are. So how was your childhood?
Adrian Monk: Oh, it was great. It was a laugh riot. You should've been there.
Jack Monk: You're right. I should've been there. But I'm here now.
Adrian Monk: Well, I'm here too.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Do- Do you hear that? Sounds like a rattle.
Jack Monk: Look, relax, relax. Do you want to drive?
Adrian Monk: Eh, no.
Jack Monk: Come on, it's easy. It's like shifting gears. It's like riding a bike.
Adrian Monk: I can't ride a bike.
Jack Monk: You can't ride a bicycle?
Adrian Monk: I never learned. No one ever taught me.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Jack Monk: Okay, you want to get into it? Let's get into it. Adrian, I never planned to leave, okay? I went out to get some Chinese food, and on the way back I open up a fortune cookie. And it said, "Stand by your man."
Adrian Monk: "Stand by your man."
Jack Monk: Yeah, that's right. It sounds crazy, but it affected me, all right? It hit me right here. I realized I am my man. I gotta stand by me. I gotta follow my bliss. I was driving home, and I kept on going. And I've been driving ever since.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: It's says, "Driver: Jack Monk, Sr."
Jack Monk: Oh, boy.
Adrian Monk: Is there a Jack Junior?
Jack Monk: Your brother.
Adrian Monk: I have a brother.
Jack Monk: It's another brother. It's a big day for you. A lot to digest.
Adrian Monk: My other brother. And he's Jack Junior?
Jack Monk: If it makes you feel any better, I left his mother too.
Adrian Monk: Why would that make me feel any better?
Jack Monk: I don't know. He lives in Baltimore. He's 31. He's an orthopedic surgeon. Very well respected. He's famous. He wants me to come live with him. I said, "What am I gonna do? Sit on the porch and pet a dog all day long until I drop dead?" Not for me.
Adrian Monk: He looks happy.
Jack Monk: Yeah, that was his birthday. He was eight.
Adrian Monk: That's a nice bike.
Jack Monk: That was his big gift. That's me, teaching him how to ride. Hey, I got an idea. Why don't we buy a bike? Come on, let's do it. I'll pull over and teach you how to ride. It's never too late.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, it is.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: [answers phone] Oh, it's Mr. Monk! It's Mr. Monk. I've been so worried about you. Where are you? How's it going? What's he like? Wait, hold on, I'm gonna put you on speakerphone. Hold on.
Lieutenant Disher: Merry Christmas, Monk!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, Happy Holidays, buddy!
Adrian Monk: Natalie, this was a big mistake. I need to go home now. Please. Please, I want to come home! Please, please.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, I'm taking you off speakerphone.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: You hear that again?
Jack Monk: Yeah. Normally I'd check, but we're screwed if we don't reach Phoenix. We gotta drop this load and get to Yuma by 4:00.
Adrian Monk: Yuma? But we just went through Yuma. Why didn't we stop there first?
Jack Monk: Don't ask me. Ask the itinerary.
Adrian Monk: "San Francisco, Phoenix, Yuma, Tucson, Carson City." Well, that doesn't make any sense. We're zigzagging back and forth. What are we carrying?
Jack Monk: Toys. Can you believe it? I got two bosses. Partners. One of them, Ben Glaser, he marches into the office last Tuesday and he announces that he has found religion. Just like that out of the blue. This is a guy who never set foot in a church before. Then he goes and buys a bunch of toys. He loads up the truck, and he offered me five grand to drive around and hand them out. I feel like Santa Claus. I even got a costume back there. Hey, you wanna be my elf?
Adrian Monk: But why are we zigzagging like this? It makes no sense.
Jack Monk: I asked him. He said he moved around a lot when he was a kid. Foster homes, orphanages. He wanted to retrace his steps city by city. What do I know? He's the boss.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Ben Glazer: [takes the phone] Hey, Jack, it's Glaser. Yeah, how's our little mission of mercy going?
Jack Monk: So far so good. We're outside of Phoenix. Ben, I was thinking of shooting up the 402.
Ben Glazer: No, no, what the hell is wrong with you? Just stick with the route that I gave you.
Jack Monk: It looks like I can save about two hours.
Ben Glazer: There is construction up and down the 402. It's like a parking lot. I know what I'm doing here, Monk.
Okay? Anything else?
Jack Monk: You're the boss.
Ben Glazer: Hmm, damn right I am, and don't you forget it. [hangs up]
Adrian Monk: [to Jack] He found religion?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Boy: Isn't Santa Claus the greatest? Isn't he the greatest man in the whole world?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. I don't know him very well.
Boy: Well, nobody really knows him because he only comes around once a year.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Jack Monk: This is for you.
Girl: An Easter bunny.
Jack Monk: That's correct.
Boy: Who's Ronnie Milsap?
Jack Monk: I have no idea.
Girl #2: What's this?
Jack Monk: It's a dreidel.
Girl #2: What's it do?
Jack Monk: I don't know.
Nun: I don't mean to seem ungrateful, but who selected these toys?
Adrian Monk: Spit it out. Just spit it out. [uses a little girl's finger to dislodge the plastic bit from another girl's mouth]
Girl: This is the worst Christmas ever! Where did you get all these stupid toys? At the dollar store? I hate you.
Nun: Kathy, you don't mean that.
Girl: I do too mean it. I hate you to death. Go back to the North Pole and die.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Oh, Jack, there is something wrong here. Look, a whole trailer for six boxes?
Jack Monk: What are you looking for?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. Drugs maybe.
Jack Monk: Drugs?
Adrian Monk: Or guns, weapons.
Jack Monk: That's impossible.
Adrian Monk: Well, at least it would explain what's going on here. Your boss, this Glaser. I think- I think he's using you.
Jack Monk: For what?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. But you did say he used to be an orphan here. I was just upstairs. I checked with the administrator. There's no record of him.
Jack Monk: You're checking up on my boss? What if he hears about it, h uh? What are you trying to do here?
Adrian Monk: My job. This is what I do. And I'm good at it. I know when something feels wrong. Look at this. Look. Shampoo, dog food, Q-tips, Das Kapital by Karl...
Jack Monk: Put everything back in here, please. You're gonna get me fired. Get it all back in.
Adrian Monk: Jack, think about it. Think about it. He's making you drive 5,000 miles on back roads, zigzagging back and forth to deliver this? All this junk? It doesn't make any sense.
Jack Monk: You want to know what doesn't make any sense, huh? You want to know what doesn't?! This is the first day we've been together in... in 40 years. Are you trying to help me? No. You are trying to sabotage me! I'm 68 years old! You understand that? And nobody's gonna hire me. I need this job! You're impossible. You've always been impossible. And your brother and your mother too. Now I remember why I left.
Adrian Monk: What did you say?
Jack Monk: Next time I bring Jack Junior. Get the job done properly. You coming? I gotta get out of here.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Jack Monk: You know where I am.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I know where you are. You're just running out to pick up some Chinese food.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: How did you find me?
Jack Monk: I knew you'd walk in a straight line. You always did. Ben Glaser lied to me. The 402's wide open. And his partner's been killed.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: So how was he killed?
Jack Monk: I didn't ask. I didn't think to ask. You really believe there's a connection between Kenneth Woods' murder and me being sent out on this wild good chase?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. Seems like your boss, Mr. Glaser, wants you out of the way.
Jack Monk: Oh, that's impossible. I'm a great guy. Ask anybody who's not related to me. [chuckles]

Quote from Adrian Monk

Jack Monk: So Detective, what do we do now? Call the police?
Adrian Monk: Not yet. Your boss is up to something, but we still don't know what. No, I think we should stick to the route and drop off the toys. Just see what happens.
Jack Monk: Eat your carrots. [Monk chuckles as he eats his carrots] I missed you.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: What's this?
Jack Monk: It's a GPS. Eye in the sky.
Adrian Monk: 5,000 miles?
Jack Monk: It's a memory chip. It remembers the last 5,000 miles that you drove. [Monk grabs the itinerary] What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: You started in Texas, right? Then we drove from San Francisco to Phoenix to Carson City. That's about 5,000 miles.
Jack Monk: 4,998.
Adrian Monk: Jack, pull over! Stop the truck.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Tell me about your boss. Is he a driver?
Jack Monk: He used to be.
Adrian Monk: Does he ever borrow any of these trucks?
Jack Monk: Yeah, all the time. How do you know that?
Adrian Monk: Here's what happened. Ben Glaser borrowed a truck. This truck. And he drove out to see Kenneth Woods. They must've had a fight.
Jack Monk: Makes sense. They hated each other.
Adrian Monk: Ben killed Kenneth, and he hid his body. But he had a problem. There was a record of where he had driven that day.
Jack Monk: Big Brother!
Adrian Monk: Right. And he knew that eventually the cops would check the GPS computer. He had to erase it and quick. He had to put 5,000 more miles on this truck so the box would reset.
Jack Monk: And he sends me out on this wild goose chase. Son of a bitch bastard! Excuse my language.
Adrian Monk: It's okay. I'm a trucker.
Jack Monk: It's unbelievable. You solved it. You did it. You don't even know these people, and you solved the case! Just like when I used to read Sherlock Holmes to you. You'd figure it out by page two.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Jack Monk: What about the proof?
Adrian Monk: This truck is the proof. It's all the evidence we need. As long as we can keep this under 5,000 miles. The District Attorney can introduce the memory chip from the satellite... Why is this thing moving? Is this thing broken?
Jack Monk: Come on.
Adrian Monk: Uh, Jack. Jack!
Jack Monk: Uh-oh.
Adrian Monk: What do you mean "uh-oh?" What does that mean?
Jack Monk: It can mean a variety of things, but in this case, it means no brakes.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Jack Monk: I gotta say something. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you and Ambrose. I'm so sorry. Oh, I'm a bad father. That's all that matters.
Adrian Monk: You're not a bad father. Look at Jack Junior.
Jack Monk: He's a putz!
Adrian Monk: What?
Jack Monk: Actually, he's not even a putz. He dreams one day of becoming a putz. He lives downstairs in my basement. He smokes pot all day long. He steals money from my wallet.
Adrian Monk: He's not a doctor?
Jack Monk: No, I made it up. I lied. I wanted to have a son that I could be proud of. I didn't know I had one in San Francisco.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Dad, there it is! There's another runoff!
Jack Monk: Are you okay? You called me Dad.
Adrian Monk: Ah, there goes the case. It's all been erased. I guess your boss is gonna get away with murder.
Jack Monk: You called me Dad.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Ben Glazer: Well, better late than never. Now who is this? Come on now. You know the rule about passengers riding in the cab.
Jack Monk: And you the rule about killing your partner.
Midland Detective: Hello, Ben. Told you we might be back. This is a warrant for your arrest.
Ben Glazer: You've gotta be kidding me. We've gone all through this stuff.
Adrian Monk: You were with your partner, Kenneth Woods, when he was killed. We can prove that.
Ben Glazer: [scoffs] Jack, who the hell is this guy?
Jack Monk: He's my son.
Ben Glazer: I don't believe this. Some orthopedist from Baltimore is accusing me...
Jack Monk: This is another son. Adrian. A homicide detective.
Adrian Monk: Ex-detective. I hope to be reinstated soon.
Jack Monk: You didn't apply yet?
Adrian Monk: Dad, I'm fine, all right.
Jack Monk: You want me to make a call?
Adrian Monk: Okay, look, I can take care of myself.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Midland Detective: You were in this truck, this particular truck, the day Kenneth disappeared. We saw the sign-out sheet.
Ben Glazer: That's right. I borrowed it, and I went fishing. Now can you prove that I didn't? Because if you're talking about the GPS system, that thing's already been erased. It's only got a 5,000-mile memory, hmm?
Adrian Monk: We don't need a GPS system to prove anything.
Jack Monk: There was this loud noise like a...
Adrian Monk: Yeah, it was like a rattle.
Jack Monk: Rattle.
Adrian Monk: Flutter.
Jack Monk: Flutter driving us crazy. We figured, it's gotta be a fan belt.
Adrian Monk: It wasn't a fan belt.
Midland Detective: Mr. Glaser, can you explain how part of the victim's necktie was found in a vehicle you were driving?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Jack Monk: Merry Christmas!
Adrian Monk: I- I didn't get you anything.
Jack Monk: Oh, yes, you did. Here, it's all yours. I'll be right with you. Your first bike. Get on. I'll be holding you. Go ahead. Don't be afraid. That's it. Now I got you.
Adrian Monk: Don't let go.
Jack Monk: So there's nothing to be afraid of. Are you ready, sir? Okay, start pedaling. Let's go. Slowly.
Adrian Monk: Don't let go.
Jack Monk: I'm not. Okay. Go straight, go straight. That's it. Make a turn now. To the left. Easy, easy. Easy. That's it. Pedal a little faster. Oh, you're doing great. You got it. You got it. You got it! Look at you! That's it, like you've been doing it all these years.
Adrian Monk: Dad, can I get some mud flaps?
Jack Monk: Come on. Yes, you can. That's my boy! Come on. Big circle. Big circle. Keep your eye on the road. I'm with you. That's it. Pedal harder. Keep pedaling. Go straight. Straight, straight. Go ahead, go ahead.
Adrian Monk: Hey, Dad, watch this.
Jack Monk: Go ahead. That's my boy. Come back. Come towards me. The finish line. Will he make it? Yes! Let me hear the bell. That a boy.


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