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‘Mr. Monk and the Candidate’ Quotes

Monk: Mr. Monk and the Candidate

101. Mr. Monk and the Candidate

Aired July 12, 2002

Monk is called in as a consultant after a sniper fires at a mayoral candidate.

Quote from Sharona

Sharona: Forget about the damn stove, okay? You are on a job here. You're a private consultant.
Adrian Monk: I know, but I smelled it and I think...
Sharona: You gotta shut up. The department thinks you're nuts. You're never gonna get reinstated, you're never gonna get hired again, and we are both gonna be unemployed. Do you understand the importance of what I am saying? [Adrian nods] Now, pull your twisted self together, concentrate and be brilliant. You're brilliant.

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Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Mrs. St. Claire, a couple of questions.
Miranda St. Claire: Let me ask you a question. How can you investigate anything? I'm told you're "germophobic," afraid of the dark, heights, crowds and milk.
Sharona: We're working on the milk. He's making good progress on milk.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: [staring at abstract painting] What is this?
Jesse Goodman: What?
Adrian Monk: It's me, isn't it?
Jesse Goodman: Look, I don't have time for this, all right? This meeting is over.
Sharona: He's gone.
Adrian Monk: It's me, isn't it?
Sharona: [answers phone] Hello?
Adrian Monk: Isn't it? It's me.

Quote from Sharona

Female Officer: What's he doing?
Sharona: I love this part. He does this Zen, Sherlock Holmes thing.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay, make me happy.
Lieutenant Disher: We found it wedged under the passenger seat, uh, in his hat. Third name from...
Captain Stottlemeyer: I see it, I see it.
Lieutenant Disher: She was a parttime volunteer. She quit two months ago. That's why her name didn't come up. So Monk was right. There is a connection.
Captain Stottlemeyer: How does he do it? I mean, I have two eyes. I see everything that he sees, but I don't see what he sees.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: That was our song.
Sharona: I'm sure she heard you.
Adrian Monk: I don't see how. She's been dead for four years. Welcome back.
Sharona: Well, don't pretend you're surprised. You know, you were right about the cases being connected. Nicole Vasques did volunteer work for the St. Claire campaign. How does it feel, always being right?
Adrian Monk: Terrible.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: You should've seen me. I'm telling you. I had the moves. No, I was diving, I was running, I was diving out of the way.
Sharona: That's great, Adrian.
Adrian Monk: Don't you get it? It means we're getting close. We're making somebody nervous.
Sharona: I just can't picture you outrunning a car.
Adrian Monk: I wasn't even running my fastest.
Sharona: Why not?
Adrian Monk: You know.
Sharona: Were you touching all the poles again?
Adrian Monk: I always touch the poles. Yeah.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: I see you've been out of town.
Jesse Goodman: Upstate. My family has a cabin on Rockaway Lake. I needed some time to clear my thoughts. It's been a hell of a week.
Adrian Monk: Mr. Goodman, I'm sure of two things. One... [touches lamp]
Sharona: Adrian.
Adrian Monk: One, your cabin is quite lovely. And, two, you were nowhere near it.
Jesse Goodman: What?
Adrian Monk: Your wristwatch. It's set two hours ahead to central time. You haven't been north, you've been east. Unless I'm wrong, which, you know, I'm not, you were in Chicago.

Quote from Benjy Fleming

Benjy: [opens door] Hello?
Sheldon Burger: Are you Benjy?
Benjy: Yeah. Who are you?
Sheldon Burger: I'm Sheldon Burger, Deputy Mayor. Hey, you like skateboarding?
Benjy: Mom, something happened to Monk!

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: Now, you just stay out of my way, and we'll be fine.
Adrian Monk: Yes, sir. And I'm sure you and Karen will work things out.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What did you say?
Adrian Monk: You and your wife you're having some problems.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What are you talking about? Karen and I are fine. We're 100%.
Adrian Monk: Yes, sir. My mistake. Um, never been happier to be wrong.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, Monk, come here. How did you know that?
Adrian Monk: You missed a spot shaving. Karen would have caught that. And your necktie, she always ties it for you. She used that double slipknot. Conclusion you dressed yourself. And, uh, the Ramada Inn cup. Send her some roses maybe.
Captain Stottlemeyer: When we get in there, you don't say anything.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Adrian Monk: How tall are you?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Six foot.
Adrian Monk: No, really.
Captain Stottlemeyer: 5'11".
Adrian Monk: Our guy was taller 6'3", maybe 6'4", just like Santa Clara.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Just like what?
Sharona: The homicide in Santa Clara. We've been consulting on it.
Lieutenant Disher: I read about that. It's a completely different M.O.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You think there's a connection because this guy might be tall? Lieutenant, get the Warriors on the line. I want to talk to Antawn Jamison, see if he's got an alibi for Thursday morning.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: It's okay. We'll make new ones.
Adrian Monk: No. It's the key chain. The key chain, it was Trudy's. I gotta... I gotta... I gotta have those keys. That packet right there... Just give it to me.
Sharona: No. [Adrian tries to grab the packet, so Sharona hands it to him] You are going straight to hell.
Adrian Monk: I am in hell.

Quote from Sharona

Carl: He sounds certifiable.
Sharona: It's the worst job I ever had.
Carl: Yeah? So why don't you quit?
Sharona: Well, because it's also the best job I ever had. I'm having adventures. I can't believe it. I'm putting bad guys behind bars. I feel like, um What is her name? Superman's girlfriend.
Carl: Oh, Lois Lane.
Sharona: I'm Lois Lane.
Carl: Yeah.
Sharona: I mean, how many practical nurses can say that? Not many. Not many.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: He actually said, "Excuse me," and then he crawled over you?
Adrian Monk: No, no. Well, it was more like he crawled around me.

Quote from Benjy Fleming

Adrian Monk: Are you okay?
Benjy: I'm okay.
Adrian Monk: [echoing] Are you okay?
Benjy: Yeah, I'm okay.
Adrian Monk: Are you okay?
Benjy: I'm okay!
Adrian Monk: Did you hear that?
Benjy: Yeah, it's an echo. You have to get out more.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: What the hell were you thinking?
Adrian Monk: You kept saying, "Shoot him. Shoot him!"
Sharona: Adrian, I could've been killed!
Adrian Monk: I knew what I was doing. I was aiming high. He's like 20 feet tall!
Sharona: What if you missed? You could've missed!
Adrian Monk: Oh, right! How could I have missed? The guy's King Kong.
Sharona: What if it ricocheted?
Adrian Monk: Well, that that's true. I didn't think of that.

Quote from Sharona

Sharona: How'd it go?
Adrian Monk: You know.
Sharona: Aw, don't worry, we'll get them next time. Come on, I'll make you some dinner.
Adrian Monk: Oh, yeah, it's Tuesday. Tuesday night's chicken potpie.
Sharona: You know, actually, I thought we'd try something a little different this week. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Just kidding. Adrian, you missed one.
Adrian Monk: Five. Six.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Gavin Lloyd: This is totally ridiculous. I mean, it all happened so fast. It was chaotic. It was chaos. Maybe I, uh, maybe I didn't see him. Maybe I heard the shots.
Adrian Monk: You heard them?
Gavin Lloyd: Yes, I definitely heard them. I definitely heard them. We all heard them. They were coming from up there.
Adrian Monk: Well, if that's true, then you won't have any trouble finding Sharona.
Gavin Lloyd: What?
Adrian Monk: She is up there in one of these buildings with a starter's pistol. [over radio] Heckle, this is Jeckle. Are you all set?
Sharona: Anytime, Jeckle.
Adrian Monk: Let's do it. [shots echo] It's kind of like an echo chamber, isn't it? You want to take another chance? Heckle, we're going for best out of three. [shots echo]


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