Here's What Happened Page 1 of 2
A collection of the more unusual "Here's what happened" summations.
Lieutenant Disher: All right, well she told some paramedic that she loosened one of those baseboards. She pretended to be asleep. When he came back to check on her. Bam. Side of the head. [Monk laughs]
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, do you have something you'd like to share with the rest of us?
Adrian Monk: I can see his butt.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, the man is dead.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, of embarrassment! Sorry. I've got it. Here's what happened. Tuesday night, Larkin abducted his wife from that parking lot. He overpowered her. Maybe he drugged her. Then, he brought her up here. He kept her prisoner. For three days, he taunted her. He humiliated her. Something about some jewelry. He- He even refused to feed her. But last night he went a little too far. In all the excitement, his pants fell down. He killed himself. He didn't have a choice. She'd seen his hiney. [laughs]
Captain Stottlemeyer: I think we're done here.
Lieutenant Disher: How you doin'? We were looking at this case all wrong. It wasn't a burglary. It was all about the wall. The whole time. Here's what happened. The killer was in here last Thursday night. This is where he met Michelle Cullman. They have an artist in here a few nights a week sketching the customers. He drew their picture right there on the wall. After the murder, the killer remembered the sketch. That sketch could hang him. It could prove that he was with the victim the night she died. And it would prove what he was wearing. The same shirt we found at the murder scene. He had to destroy that sketch. So he smashed through the wall and pretended it was part of a burglary. He just pretended to be breaking into a pawn shop. It was never about the pawnshop.
Female Cop: I know.
Lieutenant Disher: You know?
Female Cop: I was here ten minutes ago when Monk was explaining it to you.
Adrian Monk & Liuetenant Disher: [in unison] Oh, my God. I've got it. Here's what happened!
Lieutenant Disher: We didn't meet by accident.
Adrian Monk: She electrocuted him.
Lieutenant Disher: It was a set-up from the very beginning. Oh, I can see that now. God, I'm such an idiot!
Adrian Monk: She dropped the radio into the tub while he was bathing. She wanted to make it look like an act of God to collect the extra insurance.
Lieutenant Disher: Maybe I believed it because I wanted to believe it. All those fortunes were printed in advance, just for me!
Adrian Monk: She had to preserve the body until the storm came.
Natalie: That's why she bought those bags of ice.
Deputy Paul Coby: My head is spinning. Which one are you listening to?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Neither one.
Adrian Monk: She froze the body so the coroner would never know the time of death.
Lieutenant Disher: The first fortune predicted that I'd be saved from a dirty death which is exactly what happened when I left the restaurant.
Adrian Monk: Last night, during the storm, she put her husband in the boat, then cut it loose, waited a few hours, and then reported it as an accident.
Lieutenant Disher: Now I have to go back and arrest my girlfriend for conspiracy and attempted murder. She'll probably break up with me.
Adrian Monk: "Once upon a time in a kingdom called San Francisco, there lived a brave little prince. And his name was Tommy Grazer. Tommy lived with a wicked king and queen. The queen was very greedy. She loved gold, and she wanted more and more. The queen had a plan. She would find a young fiddler from a wealthy family and kidnap him and hold him for ransom. They locked the fiddler in a dungeon. The fiddler's family was very sad. They would do anything to get him back. The wicked king and queen needed to prove that they were serious, so they chopped off the fiddler's finger and planned to leave it in the park. But Prince Tommy was very brave and very smart. He liked to reach into ladies' purses. He reached into the queen's purse and he grabbed the finger." That's where you found it, isn't it?
Adrian Monk: "Then Tommy made a new friend named Mr. Monk. Mr. Monk remembered something that the wicked queen said: 'The kid found a pinkie. It's no big deal.' How did she know the missing finger was a pinkie? The police never released that information." And then, the most wonderful and surprising thing of all happened. Mr. Monk discovered that he loved that little prince. But he also realized that the little prince could never live happily ever after if he stayed at Mr. Monk's house, because Mr. Monk can barely take care of himself. And so, they're gonna have to say good-bye. The end.
Adrian Monk: Just hurry! It's on Harrison Street. Called the Bay City Cafe.
Delivery Guy: You mind telling us what's going on?
Adrian Monk: Gully was right. It's a different city after dark.
Delivery Guy: Who's Gully?
Adrian Monk: He's the guy who stole my wallet. I learned a lot from him. Here's what happened. Nothing I saw was real. It was all a con game. There were three of them. Grifters looking for an easy mark. And they found one. A coin dealer named Jacob Posner. Posner thought he was buying drugs. But it was all a show for his benefit. They wanted Posner to think that he was in serious trouble. They told Posner they could cover it up and make it all go away. For a price. They were all in on it. The drug dealer, the so-called cop, and the waitress, Zena Davis. They only had a few minutes, but it was enough time to clean up all the blood before I got back. Posner thought he was paying them hush money. He gave them dozens of coins. Rare coins, they must've been worth a fortune. He had no idea he'd been conned until later, when we showed up. We mentioned that the dead cop was, in fact, alive and well, and we just had seen him at the train station. Posner realized he'd been conned. He didn't take it very well.
Delivery Guy: That's a hell of a story. I guess I'll be reading all about it tomorrow night. Here we are.
Brian Willis: What are we gonna do? He doesn't like the fish. He's gonna kill us! Do something.
Adrian Monk: [calmly] It's OK. It's OK. I'm very calm. We're very calm. Look how calm we are.
Brian Willis: He likes it. It's working. Keep talking, keep talking.
Adrian Monk: What do I say?
Brian Willis: I don't know. Tell him a story.
Adrian Monk: What? What story?
Brian Willis: It doesn't matter! He's a bear!
Adrian Monk: Okay. You're probably wondering what we're doing here. Here's what happened. See, an armored car was robbed, and the guard was killed, and the police recovered some shell casings from the crime scene. And if they could match them to the casings found in that clearing, they'd have an airtight case. [bear growls] Exactly. And those two men they weren't hunters, they were killers. They must've been target practicing up here, and someone must've spotted them. Maybe a park ranger. That's why they came back. 'cause they knew that those shell casings could tie them to the crime scene. [bear goes away]
Brian Willis: I guess it got bored. Nice work.
Adrian Monk: It's what I do.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You solved the case?
Adrian Monk: Take a look, take a look, take a little look. This was stapled to a telephone pole that was right in front of us the whole time. He's the guy!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Who's the guy?
Lieutenant Disher: Alice Cooper?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Are you telling us that Alice Cooper, the rock star, killed Jimmy Cusack?
Adrian Monk: First off, I don't think Alice Cooper is his real name. Take a closer look. He is sitting in an antique wingback chair. The same kind of chair Jimmy Cusack was sitting in when he was killed. Check this out.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What?
Adrian Monk: Check out the date. April 5th. Monday night. Same night as the murder. Coincidence?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, coincidence.
Adrian Monk: Ah, no. No, we were- We were looking at this case all wrong. 'Cause it never was about Cusack. It was never about the garbage strike. And it was never about the Sanitation Union. It was about the chair. The antique chair. The antique wingback Cusack chair! Here's what happened. It is no secret that rock and roll stars collect antiques. Especially antique chairs.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What the hell are you talking about?
Adrian Monk: Alice Cooper must have read about Jimmy Cusack's handcrafted wingback chair. He was consumed with envy! He was consumed with resentment! Alice had to possess the fairest antique wingbackchair in all the land.
Lieutenant Disher: Should I be writing this down?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Nope.
Adrian Monk: It's true. Alice Cooper is a hippie. But he's the bad kind of hippie. He's the kind of hippie that breaks into people's offices and beats them up and shoots them in the head. Why? To steal their antique chairs.
Lieutenant Disher: Why didn't he take the chair?
Adrian Monk: Hello! It had a bullet hole in it. It had blood on it. He didn't want it anymore.
Lieutenant Disher: He could have washed it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy. I don't think we need to stand here and pick apart the Alice-Cooper-wants an-antique-chair theory.
Adrian Monk: If you will excuse me, I have a city to clean. One bag at a time! One bag at a time. One bag at a time. One bag at a time.
Sheriff Butterfield: I told you to do something about the deer.
Lieutenant Disher: Actually, sheriff, the deer in the road was a big clue, was one of the keys to my solving the case.
Jimmy Belmont: What case? What am I doin' here? Sheriff, you said this was important.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, I think solving a murder case is important. Don't you, Mr. Belmont? Here's what happened. My uncle must have stumbled across your secret crop. Oh, you know what I'm talking about, fields of reefer. [Jimmy looks at Monk] You lured him up here. We'll never know how, but at some point, you hit him.
Probably from behind. Then you put him in his pickup truck and you shot him. You shot him point-blank in the head.
Jimmy Belmont: You're delusional.
Lieutenant Disher: Am I? [to Monk] Am I?
Adrian Monk: You're doing fine, Randy.
Lieutenant Disher: It had to look like a suicide. You need a motive. So you killed or drugged Nadine and left her on the road. Then you backed up the truck and put salt licks under the fender. Probably the same four salt licks that are missing from your supply shed. Then you went to the dance and made sure you were seen. It was a perfect alibi. And that is how you did it, Mr. Belmont.
Deputy Hatcher: Uh, I'm not following.
Adrian Monk: Randy, I don't think you're quite done. Remember, you mentioned that part about the.... [imitates sprinklers] sprinklers.
Lieutenant Disher: Yes. I'm not done yet. The sprinklers! At 8:00, the sprinklers kicked on and melted the blocks of salt. Touchdown! When the lights flickered, you were half a mile away in front of 50 witnesses. As pretty a piece of homicide as I've ever encountered. Where were you?
Adrian Monk: I... I guess I just... I don't know.
Lieutenant Disher: I understand. You're in a slump. Don't worry, I've been there. Just give it time, you'll be back.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Mr. Norfleet, you're under arrest for the murder of Gladys Aquino, your wife's housekeeper.
Principal Thicket: Son, this'll be a lot easier on everyone if you just confess. I know you took the money.
Leo: That's crazy. It was in her locker. Nobody else could've opened it.
Young Monk: The cash box was in her locker because you put it there. And I know how you did it.
Adrian Monk: Here's what happened. You hired two men, Travis Baptiste and his brother, to break into Sherry's house.
Michael Norfleet: Ridiculous.
Natalie: We found this in Travis' wallet.
Michael Norfleet: Anyone could've written that.
Adrian Monk: It's true. The letters are printed. There's nothing special about them. But look at the house number. Look at the zero. There's a little line through it.
Young Monk: I noticed something yesterday. When you were stuffing me into my locker. Which, by the way, wasn't very cool. My locker was set to zero. I remember that Sherry always set her lock to zero as well. But the day before, when principal Thicket found the cash box, her lock was not set to zero.
Adrian Monk: This was all about the zeroes. You don't see a zero written like this very often. But I saw four of them the day before when you were writing Sherry's alimony check.
Michael Norfleet: I've seen other people write zeroes like that.
Adrian Monk: True, but how many of them also know the floor plan to your wife's house?
Young Monk: Here's what happened. When you pretended to help her with her books, you pocketed her lock and replaced it with yours. It was a perfect plan. You took out the money. Then, when nobody was watching, you came back and planted the cash box. Then you put her lock back on the locker.
Michael Norfleet: Why would I hire somebody to break into her house? There's nothing in there that I want.
Adrian Monk: Ah, yes, the motive. I knew it had something to do with this painting. But I just couldn't figure out what. Then I remembered how you resented paying all that alimony. I believe you called it your monthly pound of flesh.
Michael Norfleet: Her alimony?
Adrian Monk: You'd be paying her alimony forever unless she got remarried. This wasn't about stealing anything or hurting anybody. This was about them. You were fixing them up.
Sherry Judd: He knew about Jimmy. I talked about him all the time.
Lieutenant Disher: You tracked him down, and you got lucky. He was single and still living right here in the city.
Adrian Monk: But you had a problem. How were you gonna get them together? You couldn't just call her. You and Sherry were barely speaking. And she would have resented any suggestion you made. So you played cupid. You hired Travis and his brother to break into her house, and to deface the painting. A painting she loved. One you knew she would want restored. You were betting that eventually she'd bring it to James. He is the best art restorer in the city. They would discover that they still had feelings for each other. And you were right.
Michael Norfleet: Nice story. You can't prove any of it.
Tim: Julie's t-shirt?
Natalie: That's what this whole thing has been about.
Tim: Her t-shirt? I don't understand.
Natalie: Tim, I've been waiting a long time to say this. Here's what happened. We know Dewey Jordan has been here. Mr. Monk noticed some game coupons in his apartment. Rob Sherman and Dewey Jordan met a couple weeks ago at the courthouse. Sherman probably told Dewey he was pulling some kind of insurance scam, but they had to meet again some place to work out the details. They met here at the pier. It was perfect; noisy, a big crowd, nobody would notice them.
Tim: But I don't understand, what does all this have to do with Julie?
Natalie: It was the same day you and Julie were here getting your picture taken.
Tim: Our picture?
Natalie: Exactly. The photographer had you pose right over there. But there were other people standing behind you. That's where Mr. Monk had seen them together. On Julie's t-shirt. They were in the background the whole time.
Tim: That would make sense. That's why he was acting so weird that day we met him.
Natalie: When Mr. Sherman saw that t-shirt, he knew he was in trouble. He saw Julie hanging out with Mr. Monk, the Captain, and Randy. It was only a matter of time before somebody noticed it.
Tim: I know, but why didn't he just try to steal it?
Natalie: Much too risky. Remember, he didn't have to destroy the shirt. He just wanted Julie to stop wearing it. So he had his girlfriend contact Clay. She pretended to be Julie's Aunt.
Tim: I get it. Julie breaks up with me and she never wears the shirt again.
Natalie: She's right, you are pretty smart. That's why we're here. The Captain's getting a search warrant. The photo booth keeps backup copies of all the pictures.
Tim: Uh, copy? Why- Why do you need a copy? Where's the t-shirt?
Natalie: Julie burned it.
Tim: She what?
Sheriff Bates: We found her. County coroner's on his way. Poor kid. How did you know where she was?
Adrian Monk: Oh, just seemed obvious.
Sheriff Bates: Obvious to you.
Adrian Monk: Yeah. Here's what I think... Uh... Uh...
Sheriff Bates: Happened?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, yeah. See, you were right about Debbie and Roger Zisk. They were having an affair. On Friday night, she must've told him she was pregnant. She probably threatened to tell his wife. And that was something Roger just couldn't allow. He brought the body up here to dump it. But he forgot about the bees. They probably stung him a 100 times, and now Roger had a problem. Eventually, somebody was gonna find Debbie's body here surrounded by bees and when they did, they might remember that Roger showed up the next day covered with bee stings. How would he explain that? He had to get stung again. This time in public, so that he could explain the bee stings.
Sheriff Bates: He had guts. I'll give him that.
State Trooper: You figured all that out? What department are you with?
Adrian Monk: Actually, I'm a roofer. I'm just glad to help out. Excuse me. Is your gun loaded?
Second State Trooper: Yeah.
Adrian Monk: Could you do me a favor? Could you kill me, please?
Second State Trooper: Why didn't you just stay in the car?
Adrian Monk: There's a bee in the car. There's a bee in the car.
Trudy: We both know what's happening here, Adrian. You're having what Dr. Kroger would call a psychotic break. It's a defense mechanism. How long do you have?
Adrian Monk: Uh, there's about 50 cubic feet of air in the coffin. 35 minutes, maybe 40. Let's talk about something else.
Trudy: How did you know it was the gravedigger?
Adrian Monk: I noticed the stamp on the back of his hand. At the time, I didn't think anything about it. But then later, I saw the exact same stamp on Natalie's hand.
Trudy: So you knew Chris Downey had been to the museum.
Adrian Monk: That's right. He stole Sonny Chow's hairbrush. Because he needed Chow's DNA, so he could frame him for murder.
Trudy: But why Sonny Chow?
Adrian Monk: So the police would exhume his body. It all started six years ago. I remember the case. Downey had stolen half a million in jewels from a courier. During the getaway, he assaulted an off-duty cop. He was convicted on the assault, but they couldn't get him on the robbery.
Trudy: They never found the diamonds.
Adrian Monk: Exactly. He was working here at the cemetery. Before he went home, he must've stopped here and hid the jewels.
Adrian Monk: In Sonny Chow's coffin. It was perfect. Chow was scheduled to be buried the next day. Downey figured he could always come back and dig it up. Even five or six years later.
Trudy: You felt 'em in the pillowcase. You felt 'em when Natalie hit you in the back.
Adrian Monk: That's right.
Adrian Monk: Here's what happened. I went to bed around 10. They were still playing poker. Guber must have needed more cash, so he went upstairs to get it. I went to bed around 10. They were all still playing the poker.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk! We've heard this part already.
Adrian Monk: Cappy! Cappy, you made it. How you doing? I- I- I love you. I just...
Captain Stottlemeyer: I love you too. Do your thing.
Adrian Monk: You just got... You...
Captain Stottlemeyer: Let's go sleep it off.
Adrian Monk: And thanks, thanks, thanks for the...
Captain Stottlemeyer: What?
Adrian Monk: Thanks for the... Look at that. What's that thing?
Captain Stottlemeyer: All right, come here. Come here a minute.
Adrian Monk: I'm gonna get me one.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Up to bed.
Adrian Monk: Oh, oh, wait! See, Gruber never came back. They got worried and decided to go upstairs and check him! They found Ben Gruber dead. He was dead from a heart attack. And cash, $3.1 million. They must've figured somebody would be coming around looking for it. That's the kind of money people come looking for. What to do? What to do? They decided to hide the body and split the money. If anybody asked, they were gonna pretend they never heard of him. Hold on. [sits down] Here's what happened. They got rid of Gruber's car. Then they removed his signature from the guest book and retook the group photo without him. He was gone. It was like he never existed. Gone like a ghost.
Natalie: Come on, you gotta pull yourself together. Look at me. Look at me. We just have to make it until 9:00 am. When the bank opens, they'll open the vault.
Adrian Monk: No, they won't.
Natalie: Sure they will. Somebody will.
Adrian Monk: You don't get it. It wasn't just Peter Crawley.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, well, obviously we know now that Madge was in on it too.
Lieutenant Disher: And the Russian.
Adrian Monk: No, no, you still don't get it. It was all of them. They were all in on it. Look, six toothpicks! Madge, Crawley, Jasmine, Harrison, Tiffany, Gloria. The whole staff! They planned it together. Here's what happened. It was like they were putting on a play. They must have rehearsed it for weeks. One of them had to play the Russian. It was probably Madge. She was about the right height. I didn't see her on the surveillance tape.
Natalie: But what did the toothpicks mean?
Adrian Monk: One of them had to get shot. To make it look good. So they were drawing straws.
Natalie: I don't get it. Why did they kill the manager?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, they probably had an agreement not to spend any of the money, but Crawley couldn't resist.
Adrian Monk: Of course we'll never know for sure. Because we're gonna die soon.
Adrian Monk: I'm talking about her Silver Globe Award. You didn't really earn this, did you?
Kathy Cooper: I don't know what you're talking about.
Adrian Monk: Here's what happened. Thirty-five years ago after this show was cancelled, your career was in trouble.
Kathy Cooper: I'm not listening.
Adrian Monk: And when you were nominated for this award, you knew it was your last chance, and you would do anything to win. You met a fan named Victor Timlinson. He told you where he worked. It was the luckiest break of your career. He worked for an accounting firm called Fineman and Kelly. They tabulated the ballots for all the big award shows. Including the Silver Globes. He worked in the mail room, witch meant his the first person to see the ballots. I don't know how you did it. Maybe you paid him off. Or flirted with him. But somehow you convinced him to rig the final tally. Years went by, you probably figured you'd never see him again. But when he read about your big book deal, Mr. Timlinson reappeared. He got greedy. He tried to shake you down. He threatened to tell the world the truth about how you really won this. And you knew if you paid him, he'd eventually want more. They always do. So you decided to kill him.
Kathy Cooper: That's crazy talk.
Adrian Monk: You set him up! You sent those letters to yourself. You even blew up your own car. On Monday night, you arranged to meet him at that motel. Or should I say, you arranged to murder him in cold blood. You shot him. You planted that knife in his hand and those letters in his coat.
Mrs. Cooper: Kathy, we've talked about this. Killing people is never the answer.
Mr. Cooper: I'm afraid you're grounded, young lady.
Kathy Cooper: It's not fair. He doesn't have any proof. The D.A. is gonna laugh you out of his office.
Adrian Monk: I don't think so, 'cause I found this in Timlinson's apartment in a hollowed-out book. The original ballots. Timlinson must have kept a couple as an insurance policy.